:::Wanted:::

Well, as most of you know my first attempt back into the dating world was a failure. Unfortunately, I’m getting fairly used to that. My skin is thicker, but still it burns the same. Anyway, I took a long drive today to clear my head, and it sparked this blog post.

Breakups are never easy. Some easier than others. A lot of that depends on your feelings for the other person and who did the breaking up. If you’re the person being broken up with or having to do the breaking up because of something irreparable (like cheating), then chances are it’s going to be a lot more difficult to get over the breakup. In these circumstances, it usually feels like you got hit by a bus. “Where the hell did that come from?” If you’re the other person, you probably saw it coming… you were already preparing.

So, how do we get over the heartache that accompanies a breakup? There’s a few ways we typically do this:

Alcohol. We drink a bottle of wine or go to a bar with friends and drink the night away.

Looking Good. Once we get past the moping around and sweatpants, we pay more attention to our appearance. Boy, do we love to workout after a breakup. And, women love changing their hair and whatnot. Reminds me of Jessie James’ “I Look So Good Without You.”  

Finding Someone Else. While out at the bar we look around hoping to find a welcoming smile. Or we make a profile on a dating site such as eHarmony or Match.

Unfortunately, I don’t think these things are the answer. After a bottle of wine or a night out drinking with friends, the drunkenness subsides and you find yourself in bed alone and sad. The new haircut, thinner waistline, and bigger muscles look great on you when you look in the mirror, but in an effort to change how you feel on the inside, you only managed to change the outside. You look different, but feel the same. And, that new flame quickly burns out leaving you in the same spot where you left off. Perhaps, even more frustrated.

You see, these are all quick fixes. It’s like airing up a tire with a hole. It’ll hold for a few miles, but eventually you’ll need to take the time and get a whole new tire. Completely inconvenient, I know. But, it’ll last you many, many more miles than a worn out one.

As hard as it is, I believe it’s better to take the road less traveled and spend time truly healing yourself. Not from just the last breakup, but from all those before it too. From all the negative feelings and hopelessness that have come with constantly striking out. After a while the pile wears on you, and you have to do something about it. The process is long and hard. I’ve been there. Hell, apparently, I’m still here! Remember my very first post about taking a dating sabbatical? I think it’s necessary in order to heal and remember who YOU are, what YOU want, and what YOU deserve.

And yes, it is hard, very hard. But nothing good comes easy. And can you truly give your new relationship a chance if you’re still trying to get over the last? When you give your heart away, it should be whole, not broken. My advice, which I’m trying my hardest to take is to take the time to enjoy things on your own again. For me as a Christian, that means doing what my “Letter From God” post stated (previous post). That means learning to be satisfied with God alone and all the things he’s already given me. Not looking at all my friends who are getting engaged, getting married, having kids, and wishing I had the same. Not looking back and asking, “What the hell happened?” But, instead, appreciating the supportive family I have, the job I have, the education I have, the friends who immediately make sure I’m okay and lend an ear,  and that I’m still breathing! For me, that also means finding someone with a real relationship with God. No one is perfect, but I want God to be the glue. I want a man who when I’m being difficult gets down on his knees and prays, “Lord, help me with this woman!”  Someone who doesn’t believe in mere coincidences, but in divine intervention. Maybe it's crazy, but I find this very attractive.

Not only must you prepare yourself, but the other person must be prepared as well. I suppose it’s not just about the person, but about timing. Ever heard the right person at the wrong time? I’m pretty sure the wrong person at the right time exists too. It’s like the theory about men being like taxis. “The theory is that when a man is ready for, or open to, the possibility of a relationship he turns his taxi light on. If you happen to be the girl that hails the cab (him) while the light is on, you've got a possibility of a decently long ride. But if you grab a cab with the light off, it doesn't really matter what you do, it's just not going to go anywhere.”

I suppose my other lesson is to be more guarded. Counterintuitive, right? I’ve often been told early on while dating that I have my guard up. I finally let it down with this last one, but it clearly didn’t make a difference. Instead, I walked away even more hurt. Two men recently told me they think that I should guard my heart a little more. At least, long enough to really know the person and whether I can really trust him. I checked my daily Bible verse today and it read, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Interesting! So, I suppose I have to keep a balance. Besides, if a guy truly cares and truly finds me amazing and truly respects me, he’ll be patient. And let me come out of my shell little by little. I imagine it like Beyoncé’s “Halo.” It even has a dachshund in the video!

That's my rant for today. More personal than usual, but fairly therapeutic nonetheless.