There’s a phenomenon that goes something like this: You
attract into your life what you believe you deserve. It’s called the Law of
Attraction. I’m completely fascinated by the concept. I’ve watched a
documentary about it called “The Secret” (it’s probably still available on Netflix).
I’ve read a book about it called “The Power of Intention” by Dr. Wayne Dyer.
And, I’ve read numerous articles about it, most recently “Self Love: The Key to Breaking the Fear Barrier to Feel Safe Enough Love”.
The book and documentary talk about the law of attraction in
a positive way. They both suggest that you can manifest just about anything
into your life by your thoughts alone. Sounds a little kooky, right? The latest
article I read doesn’t quite have the same message, but I believe it’s all
connected. The article talks about “self-sabotage”. Well, the author actually
denies that it’s self-sabotage, but more of the subconscious’ misguided way of
protecting against a perceived threat. But, I’m still going to call it self-sabotage.
The subconscious “learns” things as we go through life. It
tries to make sense of everything. It remembers how you felt when you first rode
a bike, how your first kiss felt and all the breakups afterward, the millions
of times you wanted to quit law school… you get the picture. So, if you’ve had
particularly bad experiences in one area of your life, your subconscious will
make you do what it needs you to do to get rid of the perceived threat so it
doesn’t have to experience those negative feelings again. The crappy part is
that you don’t even know you’re doing it… well, not usually until it’s too
late.
So, what does this have to do with anything? Well, for me, I
think it has a lot to do with my career and love life. I’ll start with my
career. Now, I’m not trying to be boastful as this is purely illustrative. I
graduated from UC Berkeley, an amazing school. I graduated from law school, something
few people can do. And, I passed the CA Bar, arguably the hardest professional
exam in the country (well, that’s what the letter said from the CA Bar people).
I’m elated about the whole Bar thing. I will never forget the moment I found
out. But, I think I triple checked the website for about three days just to
make sure it was real. I’m still in a bit of shock. But, I shouldn’t be in that much shock. I mean, I graduated
from an ABA accredited school, I took a commercial prep course, I followed the
plan, and studied hard. I know my friends and family “knew” I’d pass, but I
wasn’t so convinced. I had actually started planning for the next round of hell
(I did the same thing for the MPRE). Don’t get me wrong. It’s a super hard exam
and is probably the worst thing I’ve had to do. My whole point is that I lack
confidence (I’m just lucky that self-sabotage didn’t get ahold of it... this time).
Where I think self-sabotage is starting to show up is in my
search of a job. Well, not just a J-O-B, but, the beginning of my career! How
exciting it is for me to say that. It’s also very frightening. Though, I’m
still not convinced I want to actually practice law, I (consciously) know I’m
probably just as prepared as the next guy who just got out of law school.
Besides, law school doesn’t actually teach you how to practice law. Strange,
ain’t it? But true. Yet, I am terrified to apply for an entry-level attorney
position. Yes, there are openings for entry-level attorneys who have ZERO
experience and I have not yet applied.
I think this is a form of self-sabotage. I can identify at
least one experience that may be causing this fear. And, it’s rather
ridiculous. I can completely (consciously) rationalize why the experience is
not what should have happened and is not what is ordinary. I have friends who
tell me that every new attorney will make a million mistakes for a while. It’s
expected. How can you magically know how to do something you were never trained
to do? It makes complete sense, consciously. But, I think my subconscious gets
in the way. It’ll find a way, an excuse, to not pursue the lead.
As far as dating goes, my fear is more clear to me. If
you’ve been reading my blog, you know I haven’t have the best experiences in
dating. I’m rarely attracted to the decent guys, and I get hurt by the
attractive, but not so decent guys. It’s probably the most common problem among
us ladies. However, I don’t think I could date someone I’m not attracted to…
isn’t that just called a friend? I had to throw that out there because I know
some women who admittedly settled because the guy was safe or could financially
take care of her, and tell me it's the only way to go. But, I’m a hopeless
romantic. I want LOVE. I want PASSION. And, perhaps that will be the death of
me.
Anyhoo, I’m back on a dating website again (a paid one this
time because I just think the quality is better). I find myself actually trying to find
something wrong with the guy so I won’t have to write him back. Some things are
legit (in my opinion, of course) like lives too far away (how would that ever
work?), looks ghetto (No, foo!), is younger (how will we ever be on the same page), just wants to
hook up (real classy, man), writes impersonal and stupid messages (who is going
to reply to that?!), etc. Other things I think are legit, but I fear others
would disagree are certain professions like pilots, cops, firemen, probably
military too, bartenders, personal trainers (they have the highest rate of
infidelity, also been there, done that); kids (relationships with one person is
hard enough and I don’t need baby mama drama); weird facial hair (what is that
on your face?); looks too strange in his pictures (mmm, not attracted), is way
too hot for me (he’ll figure it out and stray).
And, when I do actually write back, I dread the next step…
chatting on the phone and meeting. It’s just awkward. It’s not the same as
meeting someone in person through friends or whatnot. It’s less natural. I
still do it because I do not see myself finding someone in the usual ways.
Long story short, I think I avoid these things… these new
beginnings that could lead to independence and happiness all because I’ve been
burned in the past... or maybe I subconsciously don't think I'm worthy of it. I’m well aware of most of this damning behavior. I just
don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to be BRAVE.
