Last time, the topic was about validation and self-esteem. I mentioned that we should be getting our self-esteem and validation from within. I also mentioned that even though I know this is the right direction, I’m a bit confused about how to develop more healthy sense of self-worth. But, here are a few idea I’ve come up with:
Stopping judging yourself! No one is perfect. Accept your perceived flaws. If acceptance is too hard right now, try focusing on what you already like about yourself. Your beautiful eyes. Your kind heart. Your dedication.
But, also admit your mistakes. Then, accept them. But more importantly, learn from them. There’s nothing you can do to change the past, but you can change how you think about it.
Do things that make you happy. I’ve said this a million times, but it’s important. Join a gym... and actually go. Start a dance class. Blog. Read in the sun. Whatever it is, just make sure you are doing it for yourself and like doing it, then DO IT! (Ha, I sound like a Nike commercial!) And remember that there’s always time for the important things. No excuses! Keep yourself accountable. Write these things down and put them in a place you’ll see them often like the fridge.
Help others and treat them with respect. I know this sounds like it has nothing to do with self-worth. But, it can feel really good to connect with others or know you made someone’s day go by just a little easier. Hold the door open for someone. Say, "Thank you." Call an old friend. Send a letter... yes, the mailbox kind. I bet someone would really like that. And, if someone treats you badly, kill them with kindness. Walk away knowing you were the best person you could be, and have no regrets.
Spend time with good people who make you feel good. Make "dates" with friends. I think one of the best things about dating is having something to look forward to at the end of the day/week. Instead of relying on dating for that, make dates with friends, and even yourself!
Date yourself! As some of you know from my earliest blogs, I had always wanted to go to a movie and dinner alone. And, I did just that. I’d also make a nice dinner, set the table, light candles, and pour a glass of wine. Who says only company is worth the nice dishes and wine glasses. Ha! Treat yourself how you would want to be treated in a good relationship.
If bad experiences in dating is where your self-esteem tends to crumble… Set your standards, and don’t lower them! Don’t compromise. I have a feeling I’ll expand on this in a later blog because I feel a lot of us are struggling with this nowadays.
Lastly, I’ll share some of my experiences lately:
One thing I’ve recently started is Bikram or hot yoga. Honestly, I hate the first 45 minutes (of 90) in class, but I feel so good afterwards. Some of you might know that I’m a bit of a hippy when it comes to freeing the mind (no drugs or free loving, though!). This past Tuesday, I went to class first thing in the morning. The instructor said something that really struck a chord with me, “Let yourself grow. Let everything else go.” I don’t think it actually rhymed like that, but you get the point. They always remind us to let our stresses out through our breathing and that the next 90 minutes is about us. Also, I really don’t feel judged there either. I come in with my hair up, no makeup, and no pushup bra… and I don’t feel like anyone is saying, "OMG, look at her hair! She has a pimple! She could use a boob job!" It’s a great feeling, and I never thought I’d get that at a “fitness” class where people tend to be SO superficial. That same morning, out of nowhere, this girl asked if she could say something. She said that she challenged herself to a 30-day (regular) yoga challenge. She’s now done over 60 classes and says that she doesn’t need any of her anxiety or anti-depressant medications. I’m not 100% convinced that I’ll just be some new person. But, I do like the way I feel afterwards. Not to mention I use the time to be positive and focus on myself.
Another “hippy” thing I do is turn off all the lights and light a few candles. I may turn on soft music or not. I may stretch or pray or just sit quietly. I do whatever I feel I need to calm down from the day. And just for a while, in that moment, I’m at peace.
Dancing around to fun music is nothing new to me, but it’s something I’ve forgotten to do over the last few months. After a Bible study, I got home, put on some music, and made pizza. I miss that part of me.
Now, go celebrate yourself! Because you're awesome!
I apologize right now, as this is about to be a huge ramble of agreement with what you've just said. I couldn't help but notice how many proven psychological principles you've mentioned in here. Perhaps you didn't even know you were doing them. If that's the case, you have a very good intuition! So much self worth now days is often determined by how much we perceive to be wanted by others, and how to strive to be as wanted as possible. One way to let go of the judgement is to just stand back and look at your accomplishments without comparing them to anyone else. No need to keep saying to yourself, "Yeah I'm in grad school, but my GPA is a 3.8 and hers is a 4.0" or "Yeah I'm good looking, but I'm not Rachael McAdams good looking (or Ryan Gosling good looking haha)". Another good trick, or tool, can be to take a very honest look at all the things you do for other people without knowing it. If you ever bought a certain pair of pants just for the stitch pattern on the back pockets, this can sometimes be a good example of doing something because it creates social importance to you.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the working out is fantastic! The neuropsychological benefits of exercise and good nutrition has been shown to be more effective in treating moderate depression and anxiety than any stupid pill! Exercise releases endorphins, dopamine, increases serotonin, resulting in lower cortisol levels and slower heart rates, just to name a few things.
Lighting candles for yourself is a great start. A bath, a glass of wine. All these Epicurian things to maximize pleasure are fantastic. It's also a form of relaxation therapy. For me, personally, I put my VERY pricey headphones on, play a couple tracks of my favorite songs and lay a hot rag over my face. I also put something with some weight (a pound or two) on my stomach. When you see massage therapy involving hot rocks being placed on peoples bodies, it's for good reason. Placing these on your ab muscles helps relax them which will assist in breathing worry free. Speaking of breathing, a great breathing exercise to help lower stress is to breath in slowly for four seconds, hold for four, release for four, and repeat four times.
Since this is a dating blog, I will say that you can use those breathing techniques while on a date and not even get caught doing it! In addition, working out at a gym can be a great way to not only improve your physiological feeling and health but also a place to meet someone with similar interests. Finally, to me, when dating I want to keep in mind that even if this person I'm out with is not perfect or has some really noticable flaws, flaws can often psychologically work in a couples favor. Someone who likes to be in control might actually benefit from someone who can't make decisions, for example. Noticing something bad about the person is one thing, but then go one step further and say "is this flaw perfect for ME?"
That is all :-) Great blog!
Aw... Thanks! I've always loved psychology, but I think most of my viewpoints are a product of my crazy over-analytical brain (it's not usually a good thing). I want something better for my life than the norm I see out there, so I search for answers (which I don't always have).
ReplyDeleteI like your point about others' flaws. There's a difference between glaring red flags like being a control freak because of your own insecurity and actual decisiveness, for example. Sometimes it's hard to know the difference... "love" can make us blind.
Anyway, thank you! I look forward to hearing more from you!