The Quarter-Life Crisis

As some of you have noticed, I haven’t posted any new posts lately. No, I haven’t ran off into the sunset (and off the face of the earth) with Mr. Right. I wish! I actually tried writing on two different topics yesterday, and another last week. I began the posts just fine, then BAM hit a roadblock. I have about 5 unfinished topics now!

You see, that’s just it. I’m stuck. Incredibly stuck. I’m standing on a path, and I can’t seem to move. I’ve come too far to go back, but I can’t take another step forward for what lies ahead seems too distant. And, I’m exhausted. So very, very exhausted.

First, I’m tired of school. I’ve been going to school for about 20 years now! Almost 20 years straight (I took a year off between college and law school). And, I freaking hate law school these days. I’m not sure I ever really, actually enjoyed it. I like the idea of it, and the idea of what I could be. I liked what I imagined practice would be like, and the kind of exciting, passionate work I’d be doing. The truth is I’ll be lucky to have a job in the legal field, let alone anything that I actually want to do… oh, and make enough money doing it to make it worth the ridiculous hours… AND pay off the loans. It’s a little late, perhaps, but I REJECT the typical attorney lifestyle. “Screw you!” I say. To me it says, “Ha! I’ve already screwed you out of over $100,000 and precious years of your life! Joke’s on you, Ms. Collins!”

So... I don’t think I want to be an attorney, not from what I see. Every now and then I come back to the idea and try to console myself. But, then my dreaming mind wanders off to more exciting places. What I see some of my friends doing… I would rather someone just shoot me now (don’t literally shoot me, please ;-)). I cannot spend the next 30 or so years spending most of my waking hours hating what I’m doing. I just can’t. 

I’m also tired of being told who to be in terms of becoming an attorney. (How appropriate! So, I’m listening to my iTunes and Sara Bareilles’ “Good Girls” comes on, “Wear it if you can, take it like a man, remember your place!” Despite the name of the song, I think I am a fairly good girl).

Anyway, I’m just tired of feeling like a misfit because I have my own personality and own ideas. And, I actually like this quirky personality of mine. I don’t want to be anyone else. I think that’s the first step to any kind of happiness, to love yourself. Yet, I’m told I can’t wear this, I can’t say that… I just have to accept the way it’s “supposed” to be. And, I feel crazy for questioning the status quo. Honestly, questioning is really nothing new to me. But, it can be a very lonely place.

Speaking of lonely. I’m so tired of being lonely. And, I’m tired meeting immature, selfish guys when I do meet guys. I’m tired of letting someone in and getting hurt. I want a MAN. A big, strong, mature man.

I’m tired of being the third wheel… well, usually the seventh wheel or so. Or the only girl in the room who can’t contribute to the “my boyfriend/husband this and that” conversation. I’m tired of feeling like I’m practically the only single person left among my friends. She’s engaged. He’s married. They’re having a baby. I’m nowhere near those milestones! Hell, I’m not even finished with school! Lord, I know you tell me not to look at what others have, but give me a break! I’m trying to be patient. I’ve taken a lot of time to learn about myself and become a better communicator, etc. But, every time I get back out there, I come out even more frustrated and exhausted. I frequently think to myself, “Where the hell is he?!”

So, what does this mean to me? For the first time in my life, I don’t know what’s next! That could be exciting, but the unknown scares the living daylights out of me! I don’t even know where I’m going to be living a year from now. Not the slightest clue. Though, God willing, I’ll be in Asia this summer. I’ve applied for a summer internship in Vietnam, and I have an interview after I get back from Spring Break. I could really use some new scenery, and a fresh perspective.

And, I’ll be honest. I’m tired of being strong through every disappointment. I feel awful, but I’m tired of praying about it. I’m tired of begging for peace and understanding. I’m tired of the roller coaster. There’s got to be more to life than temporary highs.

I’m also tired of confiding these feelings in people and getting this response: “How old are you?!” Me, “25.” “Oh, you’re so young! You have you’re whole life ahead of you. Don’t worry!” Easier said than done. And in the words of The Script, “No wise words are gonna stop the bleeding.” The advice makes sense, but the feelings never flee.

So, yes, I feel like I’m having some kind of quarter-life crisis. I have no idea what to do with my life, or myself for that matter. I’m just stuck. I have no idea how to move forward or even what direction is the right one. I’ve never felt quite like this before. I’ve always had some kind of guidance, something whispering in my ear, some nagging intuition. Not this time. I suppose a quarter-life crisis is appropriate at 25. Ha.

I’ll leave you with some lyrics from another one of Sara Bareilles’ songs – “Let the Rain.”

I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time

I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down tonight

I hold on to worry so tight
It's safe in here right next to my heart
Who now shouts at the top of her voice
Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice

And I always felt it before
That the world was filled with much more
Than the drowning soul I've learned to be
I just need the rain to remind me