Surrender

Hello, readers. Tonight, I come to you from a slightly less bitter place than the last post, “The Quarter-Life Crisis.” I’m still feeling a bit lost in life and exhausted… like the thought of going back to school and work on Monday makes me want to cry! Though, I’m trying to stay as positive I can.

Slight tangent – If you find yourself in a place as I was/am in my previous post, it’s OKAY. Let yourself feel something, anything! If you wanna cry, cry. And, this is coming from a girl who, for years, cried maybe once a year. You know, one of those stress-relieving cries that just comes for no other reason. I think I’ve spent years being “strong” by not crying. Over the last several months, I’ve been a bawl baby. I blame some of it on yoga, but I’ll later post on Eastern medicine and the odd effects of yoga. Anyway, just allow yourself to feel whatever it is you’re feeling, and give yourself quiet time alone to process those feelings. It’s better to work through it than suppress it, then have to deal with an explosion of the feelings later.

Back to being more positive. I just finished watching the movie, “The Whistleblower.” It’s based on true events, and involves human trafficking. As many of you know sex trafficking really gets under my skin, and I really want to do something about it. In the past, I’ve gone to conferences, joined organizations, and even written foreign organizations offering free labor. I haven’t been too successful in my efforts, but that’s besides the point. 

So, I was thinking about this woman,  Kathryn Bolkovac is her name – she had just gotten a divorce, and custody of her daughter was awarded to her ex-husband. Plus, her ex-husband was moving, taking their daughter with him, to Georgia (if I remember correctly). She applied to transfer to local law enforcement agencies (she was a police officer) where her ex-husband was relocating, but was rejected. This poor woman must have been feeling like life gave up on her. Her chief at the police station told her about this UN opportunity in Bosnia. From there, things change. Oh, how they change.

I don’t think this woman had the slightest clue what she was really getting herself into. It started as a way to make quick money to ultimately end up closer to her daughter. She had no idea that she would be uncovering a huge scandal, making international news, and yes, even meeting the man she’d eventually marry. Her whole life changed as a result, arguably, from devastation – loss of a husband and custody of a child. She was alone with not a whole lot going right for her.

My point is that maybe... maybe we have to actually break to change our futures for the better. I mean, what’s it really going to take to get you off a boring, complacent path? What’s it going to take for you to stand up for yourself and say, “NO! This is not what I want to do with my life!” I’ll be the first to admit that it scares me that I’ve come this far just to figure out that it might not be meant to be. Now, this can be interpreted in many ways… from going through years and tens of thousands of dollars worth of school to almost walking down an aisle and saying, “I do.” But, sometimes this is what it takes. As much as it frustrates me, I can’t be mad at myself. I didn’t know. I couldn’t possibly have seen into the future.

Besides, right here, in this spot, writing these very words, is right where I’m suppose to be. Someone once told me, “God makes no mistakes.” I know I do! Haha. But, as long as I’m trusting in Him and following my own convictions, being true to myself… however it is you want to say it… I’m in the right place. I know, I know. It oftentimes doesn’t feel like it. I know. Trust me! But, you are not here by accident.

I have this nagging feeling that the next step is surrendering my own plans. After all, you plan, and God laughs. Is that not the truth? Nothing ever seems to go according to plan! I suppose my plan was to finish law school, take the Bar, start my career as an attorney, get married, buy a house, and have two kids: a boy and a girl. I’m sure God’s laughing right now. But, I think He has something else up his sleeve. And, even if your spiritual beliefs do not coincide with mine, I still truly believe that you should be doing whatever it is that gets your adrenaline going, whatever puts a smile on your face, whatever makes you humble and gracious. When we’re focused on what truly makes us happy, the rest will follow. I believe I spoke on this in terms of chasing after a career for money in my “Can Money Buy Happiness?” post.

I've been thinking about this A LOT. Personally, I’m feeling more and more comfortable with the idea of letting go of one type of career path. It’s actually kind of liberating. I mean, I can be whatever I want to be! It’s like being a kid again and being asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I’m now at the age where I can actually go do it! I know it’s easier said than done, but it still gives me hope that this isn’t all there is to my life.

As far as dating goes, I’m having a harder time surrendering that. I want things my way in my timing. Again, God laughs. But as I watched this movie, I realized that maybe, just maybe I could let go of being so anxious if I lived a life of true purpose. If I felt like I was doing something amazing with my life, I’m not sure I’d have such a craving for being coupled up. 

Perhaps, I need to occupy more of my life finding that purpose. So, off I go in search of this thing called PURPOSE. I’ll let you know when I find her....