Yesterday I was talking to a friend about my latest experience in dating. His response to this one was, “It sounds like you dodged a bullet!” Then, he shared some of his own experiences before he met his wonderful wife. He articulated the feelings I have recently been experiencing. The basic principle is that
wordly achievements do not make a person a good person.
Education has been a “wobbler” for me. I, in no way, require a Master’s Degree, or a Doctorate, etc. However, I have felt that a Bachelor’s degree is so basic that I should require that of someone I’m about to date. I suppose that I naively believed that going to college would mean that I’d be better understood. That my way of thinking would be better understood. And, that the massive amount of time and dedication I must spend on my studies in the law would be better understood.
The first truth is that education cannot be equated with intelligence. Being educated means you are formally educated. It does not mean you have street smarts or “life smarts” as I’ll call them. In fact, I’d almost argue that the more educated one is, the more stupid he is in life. Not necessarily, but may I offer the Sheldon character in “Big Bang Theory” or just take a look around at your fellow students, especially in a graduate degree program. Or take many attorneys, for example. Many have not the first clue about how to communicate with real people, the very people they represent.
The second truth is more of a half-truth. For the most part, your fellow students will understand the amount of time and dedication your education requires, and will empathize. Those are your friends. It doesn’t have to, but that understanding often changes when the dynamics of the relationship changes – when friends become lovers… or when you just hop straight to lovers (Oh, how I need to learn to develop a friendship first!). I don’t know what it is, but we become irrational and less understanding when it comes to romantic relationships. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been bitched at because of my busy schedule. It’s funny because I really do believe that where there’s a will, there’s a way. So, my solution to this is to change what is under my control. I’ll give an example. In this last situation, our schedules were pretty conflicting. But, I thought, “Well, we seem to have everything we’ve been looking for and we really hit it off, so why should a little temporary scheduling get in the way of our happiness?” He worked weekend nights while I had weekends off. His Saturday was my and the rest of the world’s Monday. But, I had a little wiggle room with my schedule, so I accommodated us. Where he found a conflict, I found the solution. And that worked, temporarily. Then, the complaining began… again.
This isn’t really all that new to me. I think just about every guy I’ve dated has bitched about my schedule instead of making the best of it. Looking back, I realize I’ve always been the one to put in that kind of effort. Perhaps, I should have been saying, “Fine. F**k off, dude.” And eventually, I do. I’ m just so full of determination in just about everything I do. I remember spending weeks trying to figure out how to go to Bali on my flight benefits when I worked for an airline. Every time I found a solution, I hit a huge roadblock. It was the evening before my vacation started, and I just couldn’t give up. I wanted Bali, damn it! At about 11 at night, I figured it out. I even have a photo documenting my extreme excitement of figuring it out. It was frustrating trying to figure it out, but when I was on the plane, I said to myself, “THIS makes it all worth it!”
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| I look crazy, but I was so happy! :-) |
Oh, how I love my tangents! Moving on…. Other things I thought were good achievements that were “pluses", not requirements, were an established career, owning a home, owning a dog, etc. In my mind, I figured these were signs that he has his sh*t together, and wasn’t afraid of commitment. And, it certainly could be, but is not necessarily the case. I’ve learned this the hard way.
My point is that achievements - Degrees, home ownership, a great career, a nice car, the responsibility of pet ownership – DO NOT MAKE A PERSON GOOD -DO NOT MAKE A PERSON WORTH DATING – DO NOT GUARANTEE HE WILL TREAT YOU THE WAY YOU DESERVE. As I write this, I’m thinking, “DUH!” But, I completely overlooked this. I got caught up in what society tells us to look for in a person. Hell, the Millionaire Matchmaker told us to look for these things! Of course, a great career and happiness with it or multiple educational degrees could be an indicator that he/she will be dedicated to other things in life, including a relationship. But, it is definitely not a guarantee. It’s a very simple concept, but we tend to get caught up in the list of achievements rather than the person.
So, back to the drawing board. Personally, I don’t care if someone has gone to college or not… not anymore. It doesn’t mean that that person won’t understand me. And, I’ve had plenty of intellectual, “deep” conversations with the “formally uneducated.” And, I’ve also been told by law students that I have very “deep” thoughts (in a negative way). If I am to judge career choices, I would much rather date someone who has worked really hard, who is self-made than someone who has been handed everything and works at daddy’s firm. I’m just saying that I could have missed out on someone really awesome because I automatically dismissed him based on his career or education.
While my deal-breakers still include things that do not necessarily indicate a good person -Non-Christian, divorced, has kids (and these things, besides religion, could change) – I’m now focusing more on personality traits, not achievements.
Family-oriented
Patient
Kind
Considerate
Similar Sense of Humor
Intellectual Curiousity
Dedicated
Confident (not cocky)
Emotionally mature
Good communicator
Honest
Trustworthy
Respectful
These are what makes a person GOOD, this is the kind of person worthy of your time.
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