What
I love about taking a week or two off and getting the hell out of the
country is the rejuvenating effect it has. The vacation high doesn’t
last as long as it should, but I usually come back so much happier,
confident, and energized. Vacations also give me time to reflect –
sometimes those reflections bring about frustration and sadness, but in
the end, I usually reach some kind of joy and inner peace.
The
frustration and sadness came when I realized that even in a foreign
country, I seem to embody something that causes me to become nearly
invisible or looked over. Like having to ask three times for my first
drink at a bar when everyone else was served immediately. Or, trying to
participate in the group conversation only to be unheard. And, I know I
don't speak in a quiet tone. My immediate family is loud since my dad
has always had severe hearing loss. Or, someone bumping into me as they
pass through a line I'm in - as if my being is completely transparent.
Or, being cut off mid-sentence and completely changing the topic. I hate
that! There were some other events that only added to the feeling that I
won't get into. Eventually, I just get frustrated, say "fuck it," and
go off by myself. Like the hour I spent walking along the moonlit beach
listening to music with not another soul around. That alone time can be
refreshing and reviving, but this time, it was a bit lonely and a cause
for more over-analyzing.
Don't get me wrong, I wasn't feeling this way all
the time; but, I definitely had my moments. Especially, given how
stressed out I've been and well, how lonely I had already been feeling. I
think it occurred mostly at night. It reminds me of a song from Sara
Bareilles, "I don't want to be alone. Sky, don't let the sun go. I'm not
ready for darkness...."
This
feeling pours over into my romantic life too. I'm not the girl who
walks into a room and commands attention. I'm the girl in the group who
fades into the background... that is, until you take the time to listen.
The problem is that most people don't take the time to listen, so I'm
usually background noise. And, by the time someone does listen, it's too
late, and circumstances have changed.
And, it's as though I can feel
the surprise or sudden realization that I'm much more than what meets
the eye. I often hear the words, "I didn't know you... [fill in the
blank]," or "I didn't think you were that..." In other words, I'm so
very underestimated. I assume it's because I don't throw out everything
about myself right away. Instead, I'm multifaceted, and reveal one layer
at a time. Someone on the trip offered some unsolicited, but
appreciated insight into my lack of a love life... my feelings are
probably not all that obvious. He said that if I had feelings for
someone, they'd never know it. I do flirt, but I suppose I don't quite
give a man enough attention. Oy!
Then,
there's the whole successful woman thing... someone on the trip
actually laughed when I replied, "I'm an attorney" when asked what I do
for a living. I'm not sure why that's funny. I highly doubt the reaction
would have been the same had it been a guy my age. Another person
suggested that "attorney" usually means makes a decent living and that
could translate into assuming she'll try to manipulate a man 'cause
that's how it tends to work when the roles are reversed. That's never
crossed my mind. I think that being a financially independent woman
should signal that she's into you for you, not your money or ability to
provide financially. I'm not sure I can explain this issue more than
this clip from Sex and the City, which hits close to home:
But, you see, the joy and inner peace came when I thought about my qualities and remembered, "Damn, I'm an awesome f*cking catch!" But, the vast majority of men want low hanging fruit - they don't want to put in much effort (tell any man this and I'd bet he'd disagree, but I'm right). In any event, I'm a bad-ass bitch, and baby, I'm coming at you like a dark horse.
