Only in a Dream

So, it’s been awhile since my last post – a little over a year and a half. That’s just about the time I started my current job… hmm… interesting. I’ve noticed that during this time I have stopped doing a lot of the things that once added some joy in my life - this being one of them – so I’m trying to make it a point to take some time out for myself and write. Though, if circumstances remain the same, this will continue to be a challenge.

Anyhoo, with Valentine’s Day in view I thought this would be a good time to write about love… or the lack thereof.  I had this strange dream last week. Did you know that you forget 90% of your dreams within 10 minutes upon waking? Yet, here I am still thinking of this dream.

So, what was so special about this dream? It was the way I felt that is so memorable. The circumstances were strange, but I met this amazing dude who I just completely meshed with. It’s hard to explain the feeling. It was as though we understood each other after just a few moments of being introduced. We just somehow made sense. And, the more we talked, the more we knew that the connection was not one to be ignored.

I suppose the feeling is the one I expect when I listen to the song “First Time” by Lifehouse.

I'm feeling alive all over again
As deep as the sky under my skin
Like being in love, she said, for the first time
Maybe I'm wrong, I'm feeling right
Wherever I belong with you tonight
Like being in love to feel for the first time

It’s like that naïve, first love feeling. And, I can’t remember his face. I just remember that he was white, and I think he had light hair. I know it doesn’t necessarily mean anything, but apparently the only faces that appear in our dreams are ones we have seen before whether we realize it or not. I just find that interesting. I wonder who inspired this lovely character.

I suppose the reason I find this dream so memorable is that I haven’t had strong feelings for much of anything in a long time. As I mentioned in I'm back!, I was able to somehow compartmentalize my life beginning my last semester of law school. I did begin dating later on, but I often felt like something was missing and I could never put my finger on it – I only knew that it was something within me.

It’s been about two years since this “numb” feeling began, and I can’t say I’ve ever returned to my former self. At first, the numbness was amazing because I just let idiots rolls off my shoulder. But now, it’s kind of annoying. I mean, I don’t really feel sad or anything. I’m completely fine being single, and the thought of dating again makes me feel like this: 

Although it fades more and more, I hold onto that dream because it reminds me of how good it could feel to fall in love again.

Self-Sabotage: Am I Worth it?

There’s a phenomenon that goes something like this: You attract into your life what you believe you deserve. It’s called the Law of Attraction. I’m completely fascinated by the concept. I’ve watched a documentary about it called “The Secret” (it’s probably still available on Netflix). I’ve read a book about it called “The Power of Intention” by Dr. Wayne Dyer. And, I’ve read numerous articles about it, most recently “Self Love: The Key to Breaking the Fear Barrier to Feel Safe Enough Love”.

The book and documentary talk about the law of attraction in a positive way. They both suggest that you can manifest just about anything into your life by your thoughts alone. Sounds a little kooky, right? The latest article I read doesn’t quite have the same message, but I believe it’s all connected. The article talks about “self-sabotage”. Well, the author actually denies that it’s self-sabotage, but more of the subconscious’ misguided way of protecting against a perceived threat. But, I’m still going to call it self-sabotage.

The subconscious “learns” things as we go through life. It tries to make sense of everything. It remembers how you felt when you first rode a bike, how your first kiss felt and all the breakups afterward, the millions of times you wanted to quit law school… you get the picture. So, if you’ve had particularly bad experiences in one area of your life, your subconscious will make you do what it needs you to do to get rid of the perceived threat so it doesn’t have to experience those negative feelings again. The crappy part is that you don’t even know you’re doing it… well, not usually until it’s too late.

So, what does this have to do with anything? Well, for me, I think it has a lot to do with my career and love life. I’ll start with my career. Now, I’m not trying to be boastful as this is purely illustrative. I graduated from UC Berkeley, an amazing school. I graduated from law school, something few people can do. And, I passed the CA Bar, arguably the hardest professional exam in the country (well, that’s what the letter said from the CA Bar people). I’m elated about the whole Bar thing. I will never forget the moment I found out. But, I think I triple checked the website for about three days just to make sure it was real. I’m still in a bit of shock. But, I shouldn’t be in that much shock. I mean, I graduated from an ABA accredited school, I took a commercial prep course, I followed the plan, and studied hard. I know my friends and family “knew” I’d pass, but I wasn’t so convinced. I had actually started planning for the next round of hell (I did the same thing for the MPRE). Don’t get me wrong. It’s a super hard exam and is probably the worst thing I’ve had to do. My whole point is that I lack confidence (I’m just lucky that self-sabotage didn’t get ahold of it... this time).

Where I think self-sabotage is starting to show up is in my search of a job. Well, not just a J-O-B, but, the beginning of my career! How exciting it is for me to say that. It’s also very frightening. Though, I’m still not convinced I want to actually practice law, I (consciously) know I’m probably just as prepared as the next guy who just got out of law school. Besides, law school doesn’t actually teach you how to practice law. Strange, ain’t it? But true. Yet, I am terrified to apply for an entry-level attorney position. Yes, there are openings for entry-level attorneys who have ZERO experience and I have not yet applied.

I think this is a form of self-sabotage. I can identify at least one experience that may be causing this fear. And, it’s rather ridiculous. I can completely (consciously) rationalize why the experience is not what should have happened and is not what is ordinary. I have friends who tell me that every new attorney will make a million mistakes for a while. It’s expected. How can you magically know how to do something you were never trained to do? It makes complete sense, consciously. But, I think my subconscious gets in the way. It’ll find a way, an excuse, to not pursue the lead.

As far as dating goes, my fear is more clear to me. If you’ve been reading my blog, you know I haven’t have the best experiences in dating. I’m rarely attracted to the decent guys, and I get hurt by the attractive, but not so decent guys. It’s probably the most common problem among us ladies. However, I don’t think I could date someone I’m not attracted to… isn’t that just called a friend? I had to throw that out there because I know some women who admittedly settled because the guy was safe or could financially take care of her, and tell me it's the only way to go. But, I’m a hopeless romantic. I want LOVE. I want PASSION. And, perhaps that will be the death of me.

Anyhoo, I’m back on a dating website again (a paid one this time because I just think the quality is better).  I find myself actually trying to find something wrong with the guy so I won’t have to write him back. Some things are legit (in my opinion, of course) like lives too far away (how would that ever work?), looks ghetto (No, foo!), is younger (how will we ever be on the same page), just wants to hook up (real classy, man), writes impersonal and stupid messages (who is going to reply to that?!), etc. Other things I think are legit, but I fear others would disagree are certain professions like pilots, cops, firemen, probably military too, bartenders, personal trainers (they have the highest rate of infidelity, also been there, done that); kids (relationships with one person is hard enough and I don’t need baby mama drama); weird facial hair (what is that on your face?); looks too strange in his pictures (mmm, not attracted), is way too hot for me (he’ll figure it out and stray).

And, when I do actually write back, I dread the next step… chatting on the phone and meeting. It’s just awkward. It’s not the same as meeting someone in person through friends or whatnot. It’s less natural. I still do it because I do not see myself finding someone in the usual ways.

Long story short, I think I avoid these things… these new beginnings that could lead to independence and happiness all because I’ve been burned in the past... or maybe I subconsciously don't think I'm worthy of it. I’m well aware of most of this damning behavior. I just don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to be BRAVE.

I'm back!

Wow. It’s been quite a few months since I’ve written anything on here. But, I’m happy to say that law school is officially behind me, and I’ve taken the CA Bar Exam (hopefully, that’s behind me too).  To celebrate, I went to Kauai. It was definitely a source of inspiration for this blog in many ways. Unfortunately, I have a hard time keeping inspiration, so I’m just going to write since I’ve missed blogging. Please forgive the stream of consciousness that I so dearly love.

So, as most of you know, while I was wrapping up law school and studying for the Bar I was somehow able to compartmentalize my life. My love life was neatly placed in a drawer, and it hasn’t really been touched since. I think it was the first time in my life I was able to really just push everything else aside. It was probably more out of survival than anything else, though. There were a few random moments of interest, but nothing all that exciting.

Tangent: Do you ever notice that exes contact you when you’re just fine and doing your own thing? About twice a year, I’ll get 2-3 randomly contact me all within about a week of each other. So, bizarre. Makes me want to believe more in vibes or karma or whatever it is you call it.

Anyway, I feel like that part of my life is starting to creep out of that drawer. The logical side of me wants to put a damn lock on it. Sure, I’ve finished law school and am so close to starting my career (hopefully). This is the time I’ve been waiting for. BUT, I’ve move backwards a bit. Since the last post, I’ve moved back to my parents’ house. I loved living solo, and it’s really hard for me to accept that I’m 26, have two degrees, and still live with my parents. I’m so ready to start my life already! Except that whole paying off a mortgage’s worth of student debt thing. That I can wait for. With that said, the logical part of me thinks I should continue to evade dating until I’ve moved out of this damn little town and really begun to live my life.

However, is there really a good time to start something? I read an article on a similar topic recently – having kids. Is there really a good time have kids? After you finish school? But, after school, don’t you want to start your career? When is it a good time to put your career on hold? So, like kids, I don’t think there’s actually a good time to start dating in relation to your career. Sure, I’ll have a better idea where I’ll be settling down when I land that first full-time permanent position. But, interests change, companies layoff, promotions happen, unexpected opportunities arise, so there really is no guarantee that a year from now you’ll be settled in the same place.

Logic aside, I feel like some Spring lovin’ would be fun. Today I was driving around with the windows down, the sun beaming on me through the open moon roof, and then Luke Bryan’s “Drunk on You” comes on.

I just can’t resist being around a man, a five o’clock shadow, decent arms, and a warm evening. Yum! That song just drives me crazy! Yep, that would be some pent up frustration. But, hey, with the amount of stress studying for the Bar gives a person, I’d be surprised if I was the only one.

Alright, well, I better get ready for some bowling. I’m so ready to let my hair down after all these years of crazy stress! Next time, I’ll try to tap into that more meaningful inspiration that I seem to have lost.

The Call of Fall

It’s that time of year. The leaves begin to change into vibrant hues of orange and gold. The temperature subtly drops, and the smell of rain is in the air. The days become a little shorter and the nights, a little longer. Yes, my friends, the call of Fall is upon me.

I suppose my moods change with the seasons themselves. After a cold, cloudy Winter, I find myself smiling while driving down the highway at the warmth of sun upon my skin. As Summer approaches, all I want to do is have some fun in the sun. But, as Fall and Winter approach, I find myself feeling more passionate… and tempted toward love.

But, love is the last thing I need right now. I only have a few more weeks of classes, which means finals are fast-approaching. Not to mention, after finals, I have to study for the Bar like a full-time job, but worse – 8+ hours a day, 7 days a week, for about 2 ½ months straight. Adding love to the picture sounds to me like a recipe for disaster – unless, of course, he’s extremely patient, kind, and supportive. But, experience tells me, “Keep dreaming, sister!”

Practicality aside, I find something tugging at my heartstrings in these months. I just feel more in tune with my emotional needs. It’s a sensual, passionate kind of emotion. Not necessarily a want for the very beginning stages of a relationship – but the part where it’s still somewhat new, though you know each other well and feel comfortable. An affectionate stare. Slow, passionate kisses. Being held just tightly enough that your bodies fit perfectly together like a glove clothes a hand. The need of no words, only chemistry.

And, I’m not talking about hot, primal sex either (though, that probably sounds like that’s where I’m headed). It’s that feeling you get as a result of mirror neurons when watching a romantic movie. Or listening to a song like Edwin McCain’s “I Could Not Ask For More”.

Lying here with you
Listening to the rain
Smiling just to see the smile upon your face
These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I found all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

It’s no wonder that the vast majority of my relationships have begun in the Fall or Winter. I blame the change of seasons for the sudden surge of emotion. But, for now, it is all it can be – an irrational longing… because, well, the heart isn’t rational, now, is it?

An Unexpected Date and a New Rule

As you may remember per my last post in August, dating is on hold. But, unfortunately, the world doesn’t revolve around me.

So, a few weeks ago, I received an email from a guy who I met online in the summer. We never met because we live about two hours apart. But since we enjoyed talking to one another, we exchanged email addresses. Anyhoo, it just so happened that he would to be in town for work. At first, I already had plans. But, as the date got closer (points for him for giving me a proper head’s up), my plans fell through and I thought, “What the heck… why not?”

Sounds innocent enough, right? As a result, I’m expanding and elaborating on Rule 3: Let the Man Take the Lead (see A Dating Experiment: Me as the Guinea Pig). Anyway, we were to meet where he’d be working, which was about 25 miles away from my house and at a time that was earlier than I would have liked. When I got there, the parking was a mess. Long story short, I told him it’d be better to meet up another time.

Mistake 1: Getting up earlier than I would have normally. Since I’ve been unemployed, I’ve been more of a night owl and well, I’ve never liked waking up early... unless, it’s going to the airport to go on a trip. And, I know, a “date” in the morning? Try to forget about that part.

Mistake 2: Driving 25 miles to meet.

Right move 1: Deciding I was not about to pay $10 for parking, and telling him it’d be better to meet up another time.

To some, I just sound inflexible and cheap. But, dig a litter deeper - having to set my alarm on a Saturday morning for a guy I don’t know and driving 25 miles to meet up says DOORMAT. Luckily, I already had it in my mind that if I couldn't find convenient parking, I wouldn't put any more effort into it. Besides, shouldn’t the guy be shelling out the money on the first “date”? Yeah, you heard me right. It’s 2012 and the guy still pays for dinner... or coffee or whatever.

Sidenote: a lesson to the guys out there, the correct thing to do would have been to meet me halfway… or at least, at a nearby coffee shop. I’m not necessarily mad at him for not “reading my mind” on this… I know he was there for work, but I am mad at myself for going out of my way for someone I don’t really know.

So, my elaboration on Rule 3 is this - letting him take the lead also means letting him come to you… literally. Most guys I know who really like a girl will be mindful enough of her preferences – whether there’s a certain restaurant she might like, where she wants to meet, whether it’d be okay if he picks her up. The answers don’t matter. She could want to swing at some golf balls and eat burgers or  go to a fancy restaurant (though, I’d choose the former most of the time). The point is that he’s giving her options and being accommodating (since he was the one who asked her out a.k.a. being a man).

This also leads me to a new rule:

Rule 12: Let a First Date be Date

These circumstances sounded like a good opportunity to meet, but the proper response would have been, “That’s great that you’ll be in town. If I’m not busy after you’re finished with work, we should meet up.” Simply getting across that you’re not a convenience and would like a proper date.

Please Hold

Since the last post, I went on one other date, planned another with a new guy, cancelled that date, and rejected two second dates.

So, Man D, was it? Upon meeting him, I immediately wasn’t feeling the attraction. I feel so awful when that happens. It makes me feel a bit superficial, but hey, if you’re ever going to procreate, the thought of jumping his bones has got to cross your mind at some point. I’ve definitely dated purely for personality in the past. Let me tell ya, it doesn’t work. You have to feel some kind of attraction toward the person if you want any hope of a future. To me, that doesn’t mean he has to have a six-pack or ocean blue eyes. After all, attraction comes in many forms. But, Man D, I just wasn’t feelin’ it.

About the same time, Man C asked me out again, and I declined. See, I have no problem finding crazy, insecure, or jerky men. The confident, attractive, supportive, God-fearing men… I’m convinced that there’s sign on my forehead that reads, “Normal men need not apply!”

And, remember Man A? Well, he’s texted me twice now. In the first text, he apologized for it being a while since he had made contact and said that a lot had been going on, and hoped I was doing well. After receiving no response from me, he texted last night stating that he felt he owed me an explanation. My first thought, “You mean, had I replied you weren’t going to tell me the truth?” Anyway, he logically explained that he fell off the face of the earth because an ex he had once wanted to marry came back into his life after our last date. But rest assured, she’s gone! Because he found out she was sleeping with one of his friends. And, now he has one less friend too. But, he totally understands if I have already moved on.

So, my second thoughts? “Oh, baby! I’m so glad you’re back. Yes, even after you ran back to your ex who, according to you, has a lot of psychological issues. I just love taking second place, especially when someone choses me only after he finds out his ex was screwing his friend. That's when I feel the most special.” I was busting up laughing when I read his text. “Oh, and by the way, I’m so glad you’re 30 and use text to explain your crazy-ass drama to a girl you still want to have something to do with.”

The most irritating thing is being lied to. I mean, don’t tell me you aren’t seeing other girls and are only pursuing me, then use excuses as to why you go incommunicado as an attempt to keep me as a backup. Have some respect, dude. Here’s a very critical piece of truth, ladies: if he’s not pursuing you, it’s because he doesn’t want to. It’s quite simple. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again - NOTHING will stand in a man’s way when he genuinely likes a woman.

My response to this experiment thus far is that it does make it easier to distinguish the decent men from the losers. As I said in the last post, it’s also helped to reinforce the respect I have for myself. I can’t tell you how good it feels to patiently wait for a man to prove himself… or disprove himself. How good it feels to NOT to throw all common sense aside and dive into a “relationship” with someone you don’t know. It feels so good to leave someone knowing I made no mistakes of my own and stuck to my convictions. It's very empowering.

So, I decided that the online thing has ran its course for now. In 4 months, I graduate law school. In 6 months, I take the Bar Exam.  I don’t need to take on the risk of dating drama during such an important time in my life. So, for now, I’m putting dating on hold.

Man C and Sailing

So, this was the first date with Man C. We planned on sailing, but once we got there, there was pretty much no wind. So, we kayaked instead.

As far as following the rules go, I did pretty well except we did touch on subjects every now and then concerning past dating experiences. I find this incredibly hard to avoid because it usually comes as a follow-up example to a statement. For example, we were talking about work and the time it takes away from the rest of your life. He mentioned he had dated a doctor and never wanted to date one again. Then, sorta explained it. That kind of thing. It's so hard to get around. We're on a date, and we've been shaped into who we are now by our past dating experiences. So, that's something I still need to work on.

On that note, I sorta added another rule, but it’s a minor one. I really think it’s important to avoid being half naked early on in the dating process. And, I’ve seen Patti Stanger on Millionaire Matchmaker scold a guy for taking a girl on a first date where she was required to wear a swimsuit, so I’m not making this up. The idea behind it is that you’re letting the guy check out the goods before making a purchase.  So, sailing, kayaking… it calls for swimsuits! As hot as I was I kept my shirt and shorts on when we left the dock. I did decide to take off my shorts later because I had to go somewhere after and they were getting wet (poor planning on my part). Overall, I stayed as clothed as possible under the circumstances. I know the saying goes that a man falls in love through his eyes, but I really don’t think he needs a half naked body – that’s probably going to give him a boner, not make him fall in love. Let’s be real!

So, how did the date go? Okay, so he’s got a nice car, no doubt. I think a Porsche, if I remember correctly. “But, that don’t impress me much. So you got the CAR, but have you got the touch?” Probably not. I wasn’t really feeling it. He used the words "fat" and "ugly" to describe people including random passerbys. Personally, I prefer euphemisms. I’m not saying those words don’t cross my mind, but there’s probably a more tactful way to go about it, especially when you really don’t know the other person. Ironically enough, I find people who consistently describe others in those terms to have very low self-esteem. On the flip side, power to ya for being yourself – it makes my job a lot easier in deciding whether I’d want another date.

With that said, surprisingly, we were out on the water for a few hours. I know not everyone is perfect, so I put my happy face on and made conversation. I do give him credit for bringing an ice chest and snacks. And, he wasn’t awful. We talked for a long time and I wasn't bored. I just didn’t get butterflies. I just didn’t feel that “click”.

Once I got in my car, I thought FOR SURE he was not going to contact me again. I thought, “If I’m not really feeling it, how could he?” To my surprise, I received a text from him telling me he had a good time and would like to take me out again. Isn’t it interesting how that works? Girl really likes boy, boy sorta likes girl and doesn’t pursue much. Girl doesn’t like boy, boy really likes girl and pursues her. Grrrr! When, oh, when will the planets align?

I'm slightly inclined to give people the benefit of the doubt and try for a second date, but it'll just depend on how I'm feeling that day. Lately, I've found dating to be much less exciting than it should be. Maybe I'm just more realistic. :-) 

Overall, I feel like I’m becoming a lot more confident about my beliefs, my opinions… myself in general. And also, more nonchalant about this whole dating thing. Regardless of whether any of these guys “work out”, I’m learning what works and what doesn’t… what I can handle and what I can’t… which will ultimately lead me to much better relationships. No one has really had the whole package yet, but some have come sorta close, I suppose. But, I'm still young, and I still think I deserve the whole package.

Next up... date with Man D.