Only in a Dream

So, it’s been awhile since my last post – a little over a year and a half. That’s just about the time I started my current job… hmm… interesting. I’ve noticed that during this time I have stopped doing a lot of the things that once added some joy in my life - this being one of them – so I’m trying to make it a point to take some time out for myself and write. Though, if circumstances remain the same, this will continue to be a challenge.

Anyhoo, with Valentine’s Day in view I thought this would be a good time to write about love… or the lack thereof.  I had this strange dream last week. Did you know that you forget 90% of your dreams within 10 minutes upon waking? Yet, here I am still thinking of this dream.

So, what was so special about this dream? It was the way I felt that is so memorable. The circumstances were strange, but I met this amazing dude who I just completely meshed with. It’s hard to explain the feeling. It was as though we understood each other after just a few moments of being introduced. We just somehow made sense. And, the more we talked, the more we knew that the connection was not one to be ignored.

I suppose the feeling is the one I expect when I listen to the song “First Time” by Lifehouse.

I'm feeling alive all over again
As deep as the sky under my skin
Like being in love, she said, for the first time
Maybe I'm wrong, I'm feeling right
Wherever I belong with you tonight
Like being in love to feel for the first time

It’s like that naïve, first love feeling. And, I can’t remember his face. I just remember that he was white, and I think he had light hair. I know it doesn’t necessarily mean anything, but apparently the only faces that appear in our dreams are ones we have seen before whether we realize it or not. I just find that interesting. I wonder who inspired this lovely character.

I suppose the reason I find this dream so memorable is that I haven’t had strong feelings for much of anything in a long time. As I mentioned in I'm back!, I was able to somehow compartmentalize my life beginning my last semester of law school. I did begin dating later on, but I often felt like something was missing and I could never put my finger on it – I only knew that it was something within me.

It’s been about two years since this “numb” feeling began, and I can’t say I’ve ever returned to my former self. At first, the numbness was amazing because I just let idiots rolls off my shoulder. But now, it’s kind of annoying. I mean, I don’t really feel sad or anything. I’m completely fine being single, and the thought of dating again makes me feel like this: 

Although it fades more and more, I hold onto that dream because it reminds me of how good it could feel to fall in love again.