Dark Horse

I just got back from Costa Rica, which was a-mazing! And, I was in desperate need of a vacation. It has been about 10 months since my last vacation, which was the last time I’d taken more than a paid day off from work. Instead of taking time off here and there, I save my time up to take at least one big vacation a year. First world problems, I know, but that doesn't mean there aren't serious consequences from overworking yourself. The combination of not taking bits of time off between vacations, allowing myself to feel guilty anytime I left the office before 6 p.m. (even though I’m usually at work by 7:45/8 a.m.), and just not taking care of myself physically and mentally definitely took its toll this winter.

What I love about taking a week or two off and getting the hell out of the country is the rejuvenating effect it has. The vacation high doesn’t last as long as it should, but I usually come back so much happier, confident, and energized. Vacations also give me time to reflect – sometimes those reflections bring about frustration and sadness, but in the end, I usually reach some kind of joy and inner peace.

The frustration and sadness came when I realized that even in a foreign country, I seem to embody something that causes me to become nearly invisible or looked over. Like having to ask three times for my first drink at a bar when everyone else was served immediately. Or, trying to participate in the group conversation only to be unheard. And, I know I don't speak in a quiet tone. My immediate family is loud since my dad has always had severe hearing loss. Or, someone bumping into me as they pass through a line I'm in - as if my being is completely transparent. Or, being cut off mid-sentence and completely changing the topic. I hate that! There were some other events that only added to the feeling that I won't get into. Eventually, I just get frustrated, say "fuck it," and go off by myself. Like the hour I spent walking along the moonlit beach listening to music with not another soul around. That alone time can be refreshing and reviving, but this time, it was a bit lonely and a cause for more over-analyzing.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't feeling this way all the time; but, I definitely had my moments. Especially, given how stressed out I've been and well, how lonely I had already been feeling. I think it occurred mostly at night. It reminds me of a song from Sara Bareilles, "I don't want to be alone. Sky, don't let the sun go. I'm not ready for darkness...."

This feeling pours over into my romantic life too. I'm not the girl who walks into a room and commands attention. I'm the girl in the group who fades into the background... that is, until you take the time to listen. The problem is that most people don't take the time to listen, so I'm usually background noise. And, by the time someone does listen, it's too late, and circumstances have changed.  

And, it's as though I can feel the surprise or sudden realization that I'm much more than what meets the eye. I often hear the words, "I didn't know you... [fill in the blank]," or "I didn't think you were that..." In other words, I'm so very underestimated. I assume it's because I don't throw out everything about myself right away. Instead, I'm multifaceted, and reveal one layer at a time. Someone on the trip offered some unsolicited, but appreciated insight into my lack of a love life... my feelings are probably not all that obvious. He said that if I had feelings for someone, they'd never know it. I do flirt, but I suppose I don't quite give a man enough attention. Oy! 

Then, there's the whole successful woman thing... someone on the trip actually laughed when I replied, "I'm an attorney" when asked what I do for a living. I'm not sure why that's funny. I highly doubt the reaction would have been the same had it been a guy my age. Another person suggested that "attorney" usually means makes a decent living and that could translate into assuming she'll try to manipulate a man 'cause that's how it tends to work when the roles are reversed. That's never crossed my mind. I think that being a financially independent woman should signal that she's into you for you, not your money or ability to provide financially. I'm not sure I can explain this issue more than this clip from Sex and the City, which hits close to home:

But, you see, the joy and inner peace came when I thought about my qualities and remembered, "Damn, I'm an awesome f*cking catch!" But, the vast majority of men want low hanging fruit - they don't want to put in much effort (tell any man this and I'd bet he'd disagree, but I'm right). In any event, I'm a bad-ass bitch, and baby, I'm coming at you like a dark horse. 

Man A, Man B, and Doubtfully Man C

So, it’s been about two months since I joined an online dating site. I’ve only met two guys in-person so far. There is just something about this round (sad that I can say that) that is extra daunting. Admittedly, I’m not very active on the site. But, I also feel that the quality of men have dwindled since the last time (two years ago).

So, Man A. Things seemed to be going really well. We went on three dates, and then I kinda got annoyed. There were a couple of other things with date three, but what took the cake was him being 30+ minutes late. I’m sitting in a wine bar excited about this third date, and when 15 minutes pass I have no idea what to do because it’s never happened to me. I guess there’s a first time for everything. About this time, he texted saying that he was sorry he was late, and that he had just left his house. Luckily, I had already started drinking without him, but it did nothing to ease my irritation.

I am lucky to have good friends who I can call on to help me figure out where to draw the line (thank you, Sarah!).  I drew my line at 25/30 minutes regardless of the fact that he had called, somewhat explained, and said he was on his way. Once 8:25 rolled around, I got up, paid my tab, and walked out the door. Just then, I saw him drive by (and, I’m pretty sure he saw me too). In any event, I kept walking… and I felt like a badass. As much as I wanted to hang out with him, I couldn’t let someone think it was okay to be that late. It’s completely unacceptable, especially in the beginning. I won’t get into the details, but we did end up on the third date. However, after talking more with him he started to sound like he was in his early 20s, not 30s. Plus, after the whole being late thing, neither of us were quite the same. Needless to say, we have not had a fourth date. By the way, I have this theory that if you make it past the third date, things are very likely to bloom into a relationship. Every guy I’ve had a fourth date with has become a boyfriend… though, some longer than others. 

So, I was also chatting with another guy who I recently went on a first date with – Man B (I only name those I've met in-person). He was a bit refreshing. He consistently kept in contact, and I didn’t ever really wonder if he was interested or not. I knew he was by our conversations. Anyway, we didn’t meet until about two weeks after we started talking. I left sort of… confused, maybe? The in-person chemistry and conversation didn’t match our behind-the-screen conversations, which was a disappointment. I’m still not completely sure how to feel about it, but it’s pretty much reaffirmed my belief that dating men around my age is a bad idea.

I’ve been described by others as an “old soul” or someone mentally older, even by those who have dated me. I’m also very analytical (Exhibit A – this blog). So, it really doesn’t surprise me that I feel this way. I have received a few messages that were clearly written by gentlemen (a rare occurrence). However, they always are divorcees with kids… sometimes several kids. I just don’t want to go down that road, but I don’t know… is that how I find the right guy? I mean, I’ve dated through the most social times of my life (college and law school), and I’m still very single. I really don’t see prospects getting any better. I’m at the age that people are getting married, having kids, and getting divorced. Statistically speaking, the odds are not in my favor.

I have one more month left on my subscription and I will not be renewing. I’ve seriously been considering a professional matchmaker. That probably sounds desperate to some of you just as online dating may be, but now that my life is in a groove, I’d kinda like someone to hang out with, share highs and lows, and a guaranteed travel buddy would be awesome.

Until next time….

"Are You Going to Walmart?" & "Do You Want Kids?"

Anyone who has entered the online dating world knows that you have to have a sense of humor, or it’ll eventually annoy the crap out of you. Well, even if you do have a good sense of humor, you find yourself saying, “What the fuck?!” often. It’s been a month, and I’ve hit that point. For example, this one guy, we’ll call him “The Texan”, didn’t receive a reply after a few messages. So, he sends me his phone number. I don’t reply or call or text. He messages, “I’m still waiting on that text.” I still don’t reply. Naturally, the next thing you might do is comment on one of my photos (a professional vintage-esque photo): “I'm interested to know the story behind the outifit...or were you just going to Walmart for the day?” I actually said, “What the fuck?” out loud, then started laughing. Obviously, he can’t handle subtle rejection.

Moving on... this other guy, we’ll call him… hell, I don’t know what to call him. I haven’t exactly encountered this before. The defensiveness of men, yes, absolutely. But, this guy just straight up asked me mid-message: "I was wondering do you want kids? I do want a family in the future." Then, sends another message saying that he’s sorry for being so blunt, but he doesn’t understand my profile selection of “Not Sure” when asked whether I want kids. I’m all for getting things out in the open, but I really had to step back and scratch my head.

What alarmed me most was that I somewhat got the impression from Man A that he was wondering about that too; though, he was way more subtle and I may just be reading into it. Side note: I had a third date with Man A, but I will save that for another time. Anyway, I feel like there's been this sudden shift in gender stereotypes, if that's even the right term. I mean, guys/men usually run the other way when they can smell “baby fever” on a woman. I didn’t think that would be the case when a woman is unsure of having kids.

Unlike a lot of women, I suppose, I don’t feel my biological clock ticking at 29, and I don’t get all crazy around babies. In fact, I’m not sure what to do with them, and I really don’t like other kids (with the exception of a niece or nephew surely, but I don’t have one). And, for the last year+ I’ve been single. I’ve enjoyed waking up whenever I want, not having to consider someone else, or ask someone else for “permission” to do something. After awhile of being single, you start to get used to this freedom, and it’s hard to imagine a man and a child all of a sudden.

Call me crazy, but I know that I do not want a child without a husband. I will not be visiting a sperm bank and parenting on my own. No, thank you! I just haven’t met anyone who makes me want to start a family. I don’t doubt that that could happen, and if I met the right guy and he wanted a family (with me in particular), I’d start a family. But, I just haven’t met him.

I guess I understand a bit of what men may feel when a woman has “baby fever”. Besides the whole “I still want a life thing, and I don’t even know if I like you yet” part, I don’t want to feel like a baby-maker… like I’m just an oven to incubate your little mini-you. I’ve somewhat felt that before, and even on men, it’s not attractive.

Sadly, in the back of my mind, I’ve wondered, “Do I change my status to ‘Someday’?”

Are We Gonna Do This or Not?

Well, well, well, what do you know, I posted something after almost a year. I suppose a quick update is in order. Since the last post, I left one job, began another more in line with my education (okay, completely in line with my education – this chick ended up at a law firm), and I moved back to Sacramento. In short, I’m happy with my job, I live comfortably and in the city I plan to settle down in, I love my neighborhood – I’m truly independent and ready for whatever is next.

As I mentioned in the last few posts over the course of a few years, I’ve felt really numb. As a result, I had little to no interest in dating. My last relationship ended well over a year ago, and until recently I hadn’t gone on a date for that same amount of time. I had opportunities, but just the idea felt like a serious inconvenience. Anyway, ever so slightly I’ve become more interested in dating. I had an unexpected, but nice conversation with someone who is so wrong for me; nonetheless, it suddenly reminded me how nice it can feel to share random thoughts with a man.

I’m not cured of the apathy, but I can feel some excitement here and there. Long story short, I decided to give online dating a try again… for the fifth-ish time. Oh, Lord, help me! I was somewhat excited to see what was out there after over two years of not looking. I recall from past experiences that it wasn’t an amazing process, but either I’ve gotten pickier or the pool has gotten crappier. See, I’m a quality over quantity type of gal. I suppose it’s nice to receive messages from numerous guys, but it’s a bit like finding a needle in a haystack.  I did, however, find one that has a lot of potential. Enter Man A (sound familiar?).

Man A and I have gone out on two dates so far, and he appears to be interested in me. I won’t bore you with the details because that’s not the point. The point is that I’m 20-fucking-9 years old, and want a gentleMAN. I hate playing guessing games, and I want a man who pursues what he wants… like right now. As much as I believe in gender equality, I also enjoy some of the gender roles when it comes to dating.

So all the annoying things that come with dating again brought me to read some of my older blog posts, and it’s funny because I actually started to feel empowered. I thought, “This chick is pretty awesome. She has some good points.” I was glad to be reminded of a somewhat painful reality – “If he isn’t pursuing you like he should, it’s because he doesn’t want to. A man who is really into a woman will pursue her.” And, I completely respect that. In fact, it’s kind of sexy… unless, he doesn’t know when to stop. Fine line, guys, fine line.

I don’t mean to sound arrogant, but I do think I’m a decent catch. Slight tangent – I’m watching Barbara Walters interview Amy Schumer and she’s talking about feeling good naked, “I take my clothes off, and am like, ‘You’re welcome.’” I like that woman! My point - let’s not apologize for being awesome! Moving along…. So, I’m educated, intelligent. I have a good, stable job. I don’t need anyone to take care of me; I can do that myself (that means I’m with you because I want to be with you… imagine that). I will admit when I’m wrong. And, I’m not bad-looking.

In any event, I have no patience when it comes to dating. My thoughts – “Let’s cut the crap. Are we doing this or not?”

Only in a Dream

So, it’s been awhile since my last post – a little over a year and a half. That’s just about the time I started my current job… hmm… interesting. I’ve noticed that during this time I have stopped doing a lot of the things that once added some joy in my life - this being one of them – so I’m trying to make it a point to take some time out for myself and write. Though, if circumstances remain the same, this will continue to be a challenge.

Anyhoo, with Valentine’s Day in view I thought this would be a good time to write about love… or the lack thereof.  I had this strange dream last week. Did you know that you forget 90% of your dreams within 10 minutes upon waking? Yet, here I am still thinking of this dream.

So, what was so special about this dream? It was the way I felt that is so memorable. The circumstances were strange, but I met this amazing dude who I just completely meshed with. It’s hard to explain the feeling. It was as though we understood each other after just a few moments of being introduced. We just somehow made sense. And, the more we talked, the more we knew that the connection was not one to be ignored.

I suppose the feeling is the one I expect when I listen to the song “First Time” by Lifehouse.

I'm feeling alive all over again
As deep as the sky under my skin
Like being in love, she said, for the first time
Maybe I'm wrong, I'm feeling right
Wherever I belong with you tonight
Like being in love to feel for the first time

It’s like that naïve, first love feeling. And, I can’t remember his face. I just remember that he was white, and I think he had light hair. I know it doesn’t necessarily mean anything, but apparently the only faces that appear in our dreams are ones we have seen before whether we realize it or not. I just find that interesting. I wonder who inspired this lovely character.

I suppose the reason I find this dream so memorable is that I haven’t had strong feelings for much of anything in a long time. As I mentioned in I'm back!, I was able to somehow compartmentalize my life beginning my last semester of law school. I did begin dating later on, but I often felt like something was missing and I could never put my finger on it – I only knew that it was something within me.

It’s been about two years since this “numb” feeling began, and I can’t say I’ve ever returned to my former self. At first, the numbness was amazing because I just let idiots rolls off my shoulder. But now, it’s kind of annoying. I mean, I don’t really feel sad or anything. I’m completely fine being single, and the thought of dating again makes me feel like this: 

Although it fades more and more, I hold onto that dream because it reminds me of how good it could feel to fall in love again.

Self-Sabotage: Am I Worth it?

There’s a phenomenon that goes something like this: You attract into your life what you believe you deserve. It’s called the Law of Attraction. I’m completely fascinated by the concept. I’ve watched a documentary about it called “The Secret” (it’s probably still available on Netflix). I’ve read a book about it called “The Power of Intention” by Dr. Wayne Dyer. And, I’ve read numerous articles about it, most recently “Self Love: The Key to Breaking the Fear Barrier to Feel Safe Enough Love”.

The book and documentary talk about the law of attraction in a positive way. They both suggest that you can manifest just about anything into your life by your thoughts alone. Sounds a little kooky, right? The latest article I read doesn’t quite have the same message, but I believe it’s all connected. The article talks about “self-sabotage”. Well, the author actually denies that it’s self-sabotage, but more of the subconscious’ misguided way of protecting against a perceived threat. But, I’m still going to call it self-sabotage.

The subconscious “learns” things as we go through life. It tries to make sense of everything. It remembers how you felt when you first rode a bike, how your first kiss felt and all the breakups afterward, the millions of times you wanted to quit law school… you get the picture. So, if you’ve had particularly bad experiences in one area of your life, your subconscious will make you do what it needs you to do to get rid of the perceived threat so it doesn’t have to experience those negative feelings again. The crappy part is that you don’t even know you’re doing it… well, not usually until it’s too late.

So, what does this have to do with anything? Well, for me, I think it has a lot to do with my career and love life. I’ll start with my career. Now, I’m not trying to be boastful as this is purely illustrative. I graduated from UC Berkeley, an amazing school. I graduated from law school, something few people can do. And, I passed the CA Bar, arguably the hardest professional exam in the country (well, that’s what the letter said from the CA Bar people). I’m elated about the whole Bar thing. I will never forget the moment I found out. But, I think I triple checked the website for about three days just to make sure it was real. I’m still in a bit of shock. But, I shouldn’t be in that much shock. I mean, I graduated from an ABA accredited school, I took a commercial prep course, I followed the plan, and studied hard. I know my friends and family “knew” I’d pass, but I wasn’t so convinced. I had actually started planning for the next round of hell (I did the same thing for the MPRE). Don’t get me wrong. It’s a super hard exam and is probably the worst thing I’ve had to do. My whole point is that I lack confidence (I’m just lucky that self-sabotage didn’t get ahold of it... this time).

Where I think self-sabotage is starting to show up is in my search of a job. Well, not just a J-O-B, but, the beginning of my career! How exciting it is for me to say that. It’s also very frightening. Though, I’m still not convinced I want to actually practice law, I (consciously) know I’m probably just as prepared as the next guy who just got out of law school. Besides, law school doesn’t actually teach you how to practice law. Strange, ain’t it? But true. Yet, I am terrified to apply for an entry-level attorney position. Yes, there are openings for entry-level attorneys who have ZERO experience and I have not yet applied.

I think this is a form of self-sabotage. I can identify at least one experience that may be causing this fear. And, it’s rather ridiculous. I can completely (consciously) rationalize why the experience is not what should have happened and is not what is ordinary. I have friends who tell me that every new attorney will make a million mistakes for a while. It’s expected. How can you magically know how to do something you were never trained to do? It makes complete sense, consciously. But, I think my subconscious gets in the way. It’ll find a way, an excuse, to not pursue the lead.

As far as dating goes, my fear is more clear to me. If you’ve been reading my blog, you know I haven’t have the best experiences in dating. I’m rarely attracted to the decent guys, and I get hurt by the attractive, but not so decent guys. It’s probably the most common problem among us ladies. However, I don’t think I could date someone I’m not attracted to… isn’t that just called a friend? I had to throw that out there because I know some women who admittedly settled because the guy was safe or could financially take care of her, and tell me it's the only way to go. But, I’m a hopeless romantic. I want LOVE. I want PASSION. And, perhaps that will be the death of me.

Anyhoo, I’m back on a dating website again (a paid one this time because I just think the quality is better).  I find myself actually trying to find something wrong with the guy so I won’t have to write him back. Some things are legit (in my opinion, of course) like lives too far away (how would that ever work?), looks ghetto (No, foo!), is younger (how will we ever be on the same page), just wants to hook up (real classy, man), writes impersonal and stupid messages (who is going to reply to that?!), etc. Other things I think are legit, but I fear others would disagree are certain professions like pilots, cops, firemen, probably military too, bartenders, personal trainers (they have the highest rate of infidelity, also been there, done that); kids (relationships with one person is hard enough and I don’t need baby mama drama); weird facial hair (what is that on your face?); looks too strange in his pictures (mmm, not attracted), is way too hot for me (he’ll figure it out and stray).

And, when I do actually write back, I dread the next step… chatting on the phone and meeting. It’s just awkward. It’s not the same as meeting someone in person through friends or whatnot. It’s less natural. I still do it because I do not see myself finding someone in the usual ways.

Long story short, I think I avoid these things… these new beginnings that could lead to independence and happiness all because I’ve been burned in the past... or maybe I subconsciously don't think I'm worthy of it. I’m well aware of most of this damning behavior. I just don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to be BRAVE.

I'm back!

Wow. It’s been quite a few months since I’ve written anything on here. But, I’m happy to say that law school is officially behind me, and I’ve taken the CA Bar Exam (hopefully, that’s behind me too).  To celebrate, I went to Kauai. It was definitely a source of inspiration for this blog in many ways. Unfortunately, I have a hard time keeping inspiration, so I’m just going to write since I’ve missed blogging. Please forgive the stream of consciousness that I so dearly love.

So, as most of you know, while I was wrapping up law school and studying for the Bar I was somehow able to compartmentalize my life. My love life was neatly placed in a drawer, and it hasn’t really been touched since. I think it was the first time in my life I was able to really just push everything else aside. It was probably more out of survival than anything else, though. There were a few random moments of interest, but nothing all that exciting.

Tangent: Do you ever notice that exes contact you when you’re just fine and doing your own thing? About twice a year, I’ll get 2-3 randomly contact me all within about a week of each other. So, bizarre. Makes me want to believe more in vibes or karma or whatever it is you call it.

Anyway, I feel like that part of my life is starting to creep out of that drawer. The logical side of me wants to put a damn lock on it. Sure, I’ve finished law school and am so close to starting my career (hopefully). This is the time I’ve been waiting for. BUT, I’ve move backwards a bit. Since the last post, I’ve moved back to my parents’ house. I loved living solo, and it’s really hard for me to accept that I’m 26, have two degrees, and still live with my parents. I’m so ready to start my life already! Except that whole paying off a mortgage’s worth of student debt thing. That I can wait for. With that said, the logical part of me thinks I should continue to evade dating until I’ve moved out of this damn little town and really begun to live my life.

However, is there really a good time to start something? I read an article on a similar topic recently – having kids. Is there really a good time have kids? After you finish school? But, after school, don’t you want to start your career? When is it a good time to put your career on hold? So, like kids, I don’t think there’s actually a good time to start dating in relation to your career. Sure, I’ll have a better idea where I’ll be settling down when I land that first full-time permanent position. But, interests change, companies layoff, promotions happen, unexpected opportunities arise, so there really is no guarantee that a year from now you’ll be settled in the same place.

Logic aside, I feel like some Spring lovin’ would be fun. Today I was driving around with the windows down, the sun beaming on me through the open moon roof, and then Luke Bryan’s “Drunk on You” comes on.

I just can’t resist being around a man, a five o’clock shadow, decent arms, and a warm evening. Yum! That song just drives me crazy! Yep, that would be some pent up frustration. But, hey, with the amount of stress studying for the Bar gives a person, I’d be surprised if I was the only one.

Alright, well, I better get ready for some bowling. I’m so ready to let my hair down after all these years of crazy stress! Next time, I’ll try to tap into that more meaningful inspiration that I seem to have lost.