Can You Validate Me, Please?

The last few days and their events have really got me thinking about validation and how we get it… rather, WHO we get it from. For example, last night was Barrister’s Ball (aka Law School Prom), and my “date” and I couldn’t help but notice how a lot of the girls interact with guys on the dance floor. It’s classic: some girl shaking her ass in some guy’s junk. And girl, look at his face… he’s not smiling at you, he’s not even facing you! He’s smiling at your ass in his junk. It’s pretty impersonal.

Another example from last night: As I was sitting and talking to a friend at the after-party at The Park, I was watching this girl across from us. There were these two (creepy) dudes talking to her. One guy was making out with her at one point. The other guy just standing there staring at us (eventually asking if my very sparkly bracelet is real and if he could touch it to make sure… “No, foo!”). He then turns around and his buddy is now standing up, so this guy sits down with the girl and starts rubbing ALL over her leg. It doesn’t phase her. Then, the other guy starts making out with her. So, we’ve got one guy rubbing on her thighs and the other making out with her. I was in utter disgust. Is this really the “approval” you want? And, what the hell is wrong with these guys?! (Don't worry, I know some guys are not like that. Though, tell me where to find you!) ;-)

Back to the deeper issue: validation. Self-esteem is too often dictated by other people. And, usually by people who don’t even know us that well. Have you seen what teenage girls are doing these days? They are posting “Am I Ugly?” videos on YouTube. 

Example 1

Example 2

Not only do we allow strangers to control our self-esteem, but also people we allow to see deeper into our lives: boyfriends, girlfriends. Personally, this is the biggest issue for me. And perhaps, this cut runs a little deeper because we allow them to see more of who we are… the good and the bad. And, it burns when they reject us.

Personally, for one reason or another my “relationships” fizzle out fairly quickly. Like I’ve mentioned before, my only two serious relationships (spanning from a year to three and a half) ended because the guy cheated on me. Fine, it happens once. Totally sucks, his loss! But, twice? Really? Then, that’s followed by a series of very short “flings” spanning from two weeks to two months, which has been my path for about three years now. Some ended because I felt no spark. But more often than not, it’s been the guy ending it for whatever reason. I about drive myself crazy trying to figure out what it was about me that made them leave. Was it because I asked you to stir the rice? Was it because I don’t spend $300 on a pair of pants? Was it because I wouldn’t sleep with you? Was it because I was a “bitch” for calling you out on your shit? I don't get it because I'm, honestly, not controlling. I mean, if I'm not getting what I need or my gut feelings kick in, I'm going to say something. By the way, my gut has never been wrong. And, I'm fairly thoughtful. I have a "where there's a will, there's a way" attitude. I try not to sweat the small stuff. I just can't seem to figure it out.

As I was sitting on the couch writing my wonderful Real Property answer for BarBri review, I was “watching” TV. The movie “The Holiday” came on. And at one part I just stopped and listened. I couldn’t say it any better (afterall, it’s Hollywood writing this stuff), but I thought I’d share:

Listen, I know it’s hard to believe people when they say, ‘I know how you feel.’ But, I actually know how you feel. You see, I was actually seeing someone back in London. We work for the same newspaper. And then I found out he was also seeing this other girl, Sara, from the circulation department on the 19^th floor. It turned out that he wasn’t in love with me like I thought. What I’m trying to say is I understand feeling as small and insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside of you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get or gyms you join or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girl friends, you still go to bed every time going over every detail and wondering what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he could see the light and show up at your door.

The last few sentences are exactly how I’ve been feeling lately. It’s exactly how I feel often. Was my last post :::Wanted::: not about all this?! Anyway, in hindsight I don’t think I was as upset over this last one as I was over the frustrating cycle. The straw that broke the camel’s back as they say. We always hope that maybe, just maybe, this one will be different. After a while the constant disappointments add up, I break, and I begin to question myself more and more. The truth is I don’t want to be with any of these guys. They have issues I can’t do anything about. But, I want to know they know they screwed up and now regret it.  I want myself and my feelings validated! But, honestly I shouldn’t care about what a jerky guy thinks of me. They all have their own issues that have nothing to do with me. I actually think those issues stem from the need for being validated themselves.  

The bottom line is this- We really should be getting our validation from the person who knows us best: ourselves and/or God, if you so believe. You know every feeling you have. You are aware of every action you make. You are aware of every accomplishment. You know your heart better than anyone else, so why don’t YOU judge it?

If you can relate to this post, then it’s time to really focus on yourself. This is probably the hardest thing to do, and I think that’s why so many people stay in that “Validate me!” stage. Though the journey is long and hard, it will be rewarding. If you want something worthwhile, you’re going to have to put in the time and the effort. Know that you are wonderful and are worth the wait! 

I don't have all the answers, I just know that it's time to get off this sick cycle carousel. But, if it's any help, I'll next post what I think is helpful in trying to be content with yourself alone. And take heart, I'm right there with you trying to figure it all out myself. Until next time....

:::Wanted:::

Well, as most of you know my first attempt back into the dating world was a failure. Unfortunately, I’m getting fairly used to that. My skin is thicker, but still it burns the same. Anyway, I took a long drive today to clear my head, and it sparked this blog post.

Breakups are never easy. Some easier than others. A lot of that depends on your feelings for the other person and who did the breaking up. If you’re the person being broken up with or having to do the breaking up because of something irreparable (like cheating), then chances are it’s going to be a lot more difficult to get over the breakup. In these circumstances, it usually feels like you got hit by a bus. “Where the hell did that come from?” If you’re the other person, you probably saw it coming… you were already preparing.

So, how do we get over the heartache that accompanies a breakup? There’s a few ways we typically do this:

Alcohol. We drink a bottle of wine or go to a bar with friends and drink the night away.

Looking Good. Once we get past the moping around and sweatpants, we pay more attention to our appearance. Boy, do we love to workout after a breakup. And, women love changing their hair and whatnot. Reminds me of Jessie James’ “I Look So Good Without You.”  

Finding Someone Else. While out at the bar we look around hoping to find a welcoming smile. Or we make a profile on a dating site such as eHarmony or Match.

Unfortunately, I don’t think these things are the answer. After a bottle of wine or a night out drinking with friends, the drunkenness subsides and you find yourself in bed alone and sad. The new haircut, thinner waistline, and bigger muscles look great on you when you look in the mirror, but in an effort to change how you feel on the inside, you only managed to change the outside. You look different, but feel the same. And, that new flame quickly burns out leaving you in the same spot where you left off. Perhaps, even more frustrated.

You see, these are all quick fixes. It’s like airing up a tire with a hole. It’ll hold for a few miles, but eventually you’ll need to take the time and get a whole new tire. Completely inconvenient, I know. But, it’ll last you many, many more miles than a worn out one.

As hard as it is, I believe it’s better to take the road less traveled and spend time truly healing yourself. Not from just the last breakup, but from all those before it too. From all the negative feelings and hopelessness that have come with constantly striking out. After a while the pile wears on you, and you have to do something about it. The process is long and hard. I’ve been there. Hell, apparently, I’m still here! Remember my very first post about taking a dating sabbatical? I think it’s necessary in order to heal and remember who YOU are, what YOU want, and what YOU deserve.

And yes, it is hard, very hard. But nothing good comes easy. And can you truly give your new relationship a chance if you’re still trying to get over the last? When you give your heart away, it should be whole, not broken. My advice, which I’m trying my hardest to take is to take the time to enjoy things on your own again. For me as a Christian, that means doing what my “Letter From God” post stated (previous post). That means learning to be satisfied with God alone and all the things he’s already given me. Not looking at all my friends who are getting engaged, getting married, having kids, and wishing I had the same. Not looking back and asking, “What the hell happened?” But, instead, appreciating the supportive family I have, the job I have, the education I have, the friends who immediately make sure I’m okay and lend an ear,  and that I’m still breathing! For me, that also means finding someone with a real relationship with God. No one is perfect, but I want God to be the glue. I want a man who when I’m being difficult gets down on his knees and prays, “Lord, help me with this woman!”  Someone who doesn’t believe in mere coincidences, but in divine intervention. Maybe it's crazy, but I find this very attractive.

Not only must you prepare yourself, but the other person must be prepared as well. I suppose it’s not just about the person, but about timing. Ever heard the right person at the wrong time? I’m pretty sure the wrong person at the right time exists too. It’s like the theory about men being like taxis. “The theory is that when a man is ready for, or open to, the possibility of a relationship he turns his taxi light on. If you happen to be the girl that hails the cab (him) while the light is on, you've got a possibility of a decently long ride. But if you grab a cab with the light off, it doesn't really matter what you do, it's just not going to go anywhere.”

I suppose my other lesson is to be more guarded. Counterintuitive, right? I’ve often been told early on while dating that I have my guard up. I finally let it down with this last one, but it clearly didn’t make a difference. Instead, I walked away even more hurt. Two men recently told me they think that I should guard my heart a little more. At least, long enough to really know the person and whether I can really trust him. I checked my daily Bible verse today and it read, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Interesting! So, I suppose I have to keep a balance. Besides, if a guy truly cares and truly finds me amazing and truly respects me, he’ll be patient. And let me come out of my shell little by little. I imagine it like Beyoncé’s “Halo.” It even has a dachshund in the video!

That's my rant for today. More personal than usual, but fairly therapeutic nonetheless.

Letter From God

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God, to the Christian says, “No, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and content with living loved by Me alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, to have an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone. I love you, my child, and until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me – exclusive of any other desires and longing. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing – one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you. You keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things. Keep that satisfaction, knowing that I AM. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you; and you must wait.

 

Don’t be anxious, and don’t worry. Don’t look around at the things others have gotten or that I have given them. Don’t look at the things you think you want. Just keep looking off and away and up to Me, or you’ll miss what I have to show you.

And then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you would ever dream. You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready (I am working right this minute to have both of you ready at the same time), and until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I’ve prepared for you, you won’t be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this is the perfect love.

And, My dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and enjoy materially and sincerely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you Myself. I love you utterly. I AM God Almighty. Believe and be Satisfied.”

Is it Love or Lust?

I think we’ve all asked ourselves this question at one point or another.  Maybe in terms of a new relationship, “Could this be love?” Or perhaps, in retrospect, “Did he/she really love me?”

We’ve all been in that euphoric stage at the beginning stage of a relationship – the honeymoon. You meet for the first time and your eyes lock. Something is gravitating you toward this person. You talk for hours on end, and you seem to have so much in common. You might have even gone over that mental “checklist” in your head. Attractive, check. Loves dogs, check. Has a career, check. Loves his/her family, loves to travel, makes you laugh… check! check! check! Over the next few weeks, you go on a few wonderful dates, and each one leaves you wanting more and more. You start to walk around town smiling like a lunatic. You can’t believe how happy you are, and ask yourself, “Am I in love?”

Before you answer that question, I urge you to really think about the difference between love and lust. Perhaps, what we should be saying is “I lust you, baby!”

So, what is love?

Love is patient. The dictionary defines patience as, “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” So, patience means knowing when to hold your tongue when your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse pushes your buttons. Remaining calm when all you want to do is bop ‘em upside the head to knock some sense in! This is easier said than done. It’s quite natural to lash out at someone when he just said something hurtful. But, being impatient and dishing it right back only leads to more hurtful things. I don’t always “get a chance” to do this, but I try to reverse the situation: how would I feel if someone just said/did that to me? As hard as it is, show the person love by being patient and putting their feelings first.

Love is kind. This one isn’t hard to understand. We all know or should know how to be kind to one another. Say nice things. Don’t put each other down. Help out. Be thankful.

Love is truthful. I can’t stress how important this is in a relationship. How can you say you love someone yet lie to his/her face? I’m not saying you should respond, “Yes” when your girlfriend or wife asks if her jeans make her look fat. But, lying about where you’re going, etc. Even if it seems completely innocent the truth always surfaces, and you’ll have lost some of that trust. It’s better to be honest because chances are there’s a reason you’re lying about things, and that’s the bigger problem that needs to be addressed. So, this really goes to being honest about how you feel. So many times I’ve bottled up my negative feelings about a relationship. Overtime, I become bitter and resentful… never giving the relationship a real chance. Do yourself and your partner a favor, and be honest with one another. There’s always a tactful way to say something.

Love never fails. This is a hard one. The rate of divorce is so high these days. But, I’d like to think that true love never fails. It perseveres even in the toughest of times… when it’d be easier to give up. Talk to any old couple married for 40, 50, 60 years. Not everyday together was like walking on sunshine. My parents have been married for 35 years, and there have been times that I wondered if they’d be better off divorced. But, they cool down, apologize, and realize they’d be lost without each other (mostly my dad). Haha. Whatever the situation, love is unconditional.

So, what is lust? Rather, what is love not?

Love is not envious. I think envy and jealousy go hand-in-hand. In my own experience, this meant competition. When I’d accomplish something, the now-ex would one-up me, “Well, I did this!” This isn’t love. Love means being genuinely happy for someone when he/she achieves something. Spouses should be supportive, never tearing the other down. Remember, you’re a team! Act like it! Slap the other on the butt for a “good job!”

Love is not proud. Has your pride ever kept you from apologizing when you, honestly, knew you were wrong? Pride requires you to put yourself and your feelings above others. It makes you believe that you and your needs are of utmost importance. In a relationship, it’s important to be humble. To admit you don’t have all the answers, and that sometimes you are… wrong.

Love keeps no records of wrongs. Who hasn’t brought up something hurtful from the past? Kept a mental list of all the hurtful things someone said and kept it as ammo? I know I have. It’s human nature to shrivel up and be guarded when someone hurts you, and even return the heat. But, if love is to progress, we need to let this stuff go. Move on.

By now, some of you may have figured out where I got my inspiration. This kind of love is perfect love… and no one here is perfect. However, I believe the closer you are to these qualities I’ve used to describe love, the closer you are to real love. If you find yourself questioning whether you love someone or whether someone loves you, look at your relationship and ask yourself if it resembles this kind of love. If not, perhaps, “I lust you” is more appropriate.