Surrender

Hello, readers. Tonight, I come to you from a slightly less bitter place than the last post, “The Quarter-Life Crisis.” I’m still feeling a bit lost in life and exhausted… like the thought of going back to school and work on Monday makes me want to cry! Though, I’m trying to stay as positive I can.

Slight tangent – If you find yourself in a place as I was/am in my previous post, it’s OKAY. Let yourself feel something, anything! If you wanna cry, cry. And, this is coming from a girl who, for years, cried maybe once a year. You know, one of those stress-relieving cries that just comes for no other reason. I think I’ve spent years being “strong” by not crying. Over the last several months, I’ve been a bawl baby. I blame some of it on yoga, but I’ll later post on Eastern medicine and the odd effects of yoga. Anyway, just allow yourself to feel whatever it is you’re feeling, and give yourself quiet time alone to process those feelings. It’s better to work through it than suppress it, then have to deal with an explosion of the feelings later.

Back to being more positive. I just finished watching the movie, “The Whistleblower.” It’s based on true events, and involves human trafficking. As many of you know sex trafficking really gets under my skin, and I really want to do something about it. In the past, I’ve gone to conferences, joined organizations, and even written foreign organizations offering free labor. I haven’t been too successful in my efforts, but that’s besides the point. 

So, I was thinking about this woman,  Kathryn Bolkovac is her name – she had just gotten a divorce, and custody of her daughter was awarded to her ex-husband. Plus, her ex-husband was moving, taking their daughter with him, to Georgia (if I remember correctly). She applied to transfer to local law enforcement agencies (she was a police officer) where her ex-husband was relocating, but was rejected. This poor woman must have been feeling like life gave up on her. Her chief at the police station told her about this UN opportunity in Bosnia. From there, things change. Oh, how they change.

I don’t think this woman had the slightest clue what she was really getting herself into. It started as a way to make quick money to ultimately end up closer to her daughter. She had no idea that she would be uncovering a huge scandal, making international news, and yes, even meeting the man she’d eventually marry. Her whole life changed as a result, arguably, from devastation – loss of a husband and custody of a child. She was alone with not a whole lot going right for her.

My point is that maybe... maybe we have to actually break to change our futures for the better. I mean, what’s it really going to take to get you off a boring, complacent path? What’s it going to take for you to stand up for yourself and say, “NO! This is not what I want to do with my life!” I’ll be the first to admit that it scares me that I’ve come this far just to figure out that it might not be meant to be. Now, this can be interpreted in many ways… from going through years and tens of thousands of dollars worth of school to almost walking down an aisle and saying, “I do.” But, sometimes this is what it takes. As much as it frustrates me, I can’t be mad at myself. I didn’t know. I couldn’t possibly have seen into the future.

Besides, right here, in this spot, writing these very words, is right where I’m suppose to be. Someone once told me, “God makes no mistakes.” I know I do! Haha. But, as long as I’m trusting in Him and following my own convictions, being true to myself… however it is you want to say it… I’m in the right place. I know, I know. It oftentimes doesn’t feel like it. I know. Trust me! But, you are not here by accident.

I have this nagging feeling that the next step is surrendering my own plans. After all, you plan, and God laughs. Is that not the truth? Nothing ever seems to go according to plan! I suppose my plan was to finish law school, take the Bar, start my career as an attorney, get married, buy a house, and have two kids: a boy and a girl. I’m sure God’s laughing right now. But, I think He has something else up his sleeve. And, even if your spiritual beliefs do not coincide with mine, I still truly believe that you should be doing whatever it is that gets your adrenaline going, whatever puts a smile on your face, whatever makes you humble and gracious. When we’re focused on what truly makes us happy, the rest will follow. I believe I spoke on this in terms of chasing after a career for money in my “Can Money Buy Happiness?” post.

I've been thinking about this A LOT. Personally, I’m feeling more and more comfortable with the idea of letting go of one type of career path. It’s actually kind of liberating. I mean, I can be whatever I want to be! It’s like being a kid again and being asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I’m now at the age where I can actually go do it! I know it’s easier said than done, but it still gives me hope that this isn’t all there is to my life.

As far as dating goes, I’m having a harder time surrendering that. I want things my way in my timing. Again, God laughs. But as I watched this movie, I realized that maybe, just maybe I could let go of being so anxious if I lived a life of true purpose. If I felt like I was doing something amazing with my life, I’m not sure I’d have such a craving for being coupled up. 

Perhaps, I need to occupy more of my life finding that purpose. So, off I go in search of this thing called PURPOSE. I’ll let you know when I find her....

The Quarter-Life Crisis

As some of you have noticed, I haven’t posted any new posts lately. No, I haven’t ran off into the sunset (and off the face of the earth) with Mr. Right. I wish! I actually tried writing on two different topics yesterday, and another last week. I began the posts just fine, then BAM hit a roadblock. I have about 5 unfinished topics now!

You see, that’s just it. I’m stuck. Incredibly stuck. I’m standing on a path, and I can’t seem to move. I’ve come too far to go back, but I can’t take another step forward for what lies ahead seems too distant. And, I’m exhausted. So very, very exhausted.

First, I’m tired of school. I’ve been going to school for about 20 years now! Almost 20 years straight (I took a year off between college and law school). And, I freaking hate law school these days. I’m not sure I ever really, actually enjoyed it. I like the idea of it, and the idea of what I could be. I liked what I imagined practice would be like, and the kind of exciting, passionate work I’d be doing. The truth is I’ll be lucky to have a job in the legal field, let alone anything that I actually want to do… oh, and make enough money doing it to make it worth the ridiculous hours… AND pay off the loans. It’s a little late, perhaps, but I REJECT the typical attorney lifestyle. “Screw you!” I say. To me it says, “Ha! I’ve already screwed you out of over $100,000 and precious years of your life! Joke’s on you, Ms. Collins!”

So... I don’t think I want to be an attorney, not from what I see. Every now and then I come back to the idea and try to console myself. But, then my dreaming mind wanders off to more exciting places. What I see some of my friends doing… I would rather someone just shoot me now (don’t literally shoot me, please ;-)). I cannot spend the next 30 or so years spending most of my waking hours hating what I’m doing. I just can’t. 

I’m also tired of being told who to be in terms of becoming an attorney. (How appropriate! So, I’m listening to my iTunes and Sara Bareilles’ “Good Girls” comes on, “Wear it if you can, take it like a man, remember your place!” Despite the name of the song, I think I am a fairly good girl).

Anyway, I’m just tired of feeling like a misfit because I have my own personality and own ideas. And, I actually like this quirky personality of mine. I don’t want to be anyone else. I think that’s the first step to any kind of happiness, to love yourself. Yet, I’m told I can’t wear this, I can’t say that… I just have to accept the way it’s “supposed” to be. And, I feel crazy for questioning the status quo. Honestly, questioning is really nothing new to me. But, it can be a very lonely place.

Speaking of lonely. I’m so tired of being lonely. And, I’m tired meeting immature, selfish guys when I do meet guys. I’m tired of letting someone in and getting hurt. I want a MAN. A big, strong, mature man.

I’m tired of being the third wheel… well, usually the seventh wheel or so. Or the only girl in the room who can’t contribute to the “my boyfriend/husband this and that” conversation. I’m tired of feeling like I’m practically the only single person left among my friends. She’s engaged. He’s married. They’re having a baby. I’m nowhere near those milestones! Hell, I’m not even finished with school! Lord, I know you tell me not to look at what others have, but give me a break! I’m trying to be patient. I’ve taken a lot of time to learn about myself and become a better communicator, etc. But, every time I get back out there, I come out even more frustrated and exhausted. I frequently think to myself, “Where the hell is he?!”

So, what does this mean to me? For the first time in my life, I don’t know what’s next! That could be exciting, but the unknown scares the living daylights out of me! I don’t even know where I’m going to be living a year from now. Not the slightest clue. Though, God willing, I’ll be in Asia this summer. I’ve applied for a summer internship in Vietnam, and I have an interview after I get back from Spring Break. I could really use some new scenery, and a fresh perspective.

And, I’ll be honest. I’m tired of being strong through every disappointment. I feel awful, but I’m tired of praying about it. I’m tired of begging for peace and understanding. I’m tired of the roller coaster. There’s got to be more to life than temporary highs.

I’m also tired of confiding these feelings in people and getting this response: “How old are you?!” Me, “25.” “Oh, you’re so young! You have you’re whole life ahead of you. Don’t worry!” Easier said than done. And in the words of The Script, “No wise words are gonna stop the bleeding.” The advice makes sense, but the feelings never flee.

So, yes, I feel like I’m having some kind of quarter-life crisis. I have no idea what to do with my life, or myself for that matter. I’m just stuck. I have no idea how to move forward or even what direction is the right one. I’ve never felt quite like this before. I’ve always had some kind of guidance, something whispering in my ear, some nagging intuition. Not this time. I suppose a quarter-life crisis is appropriate at 25. Ha.

I’ll leave you with some lyrics from another one of Sara Bareilles’ songs – “Let the Rain.”

I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time

I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down tonight

I hold on to worry so tight
It's safe in here right next to my heart
Who now shouts at the top of her voice
Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice

And I always felt it before
That the world was filled with much more
Than the drowning soul I've learned to be
I just need the rain to remind me

Back to the Drawing Board: What Makes a Person Worthy of Your Time

Yesterday I was talking to a friend about my latest experience in dating. His response to this one was, “It sounds like you dodged a bullet!” Then, he shared some of his own experiences before he met his wonderful wife. He articulated the feelings I have recently been experiencing. The basic principle is that

wordly achievements do not make a person a good person. 

Education has been a “wobbler” for me. I, in no way, require a Master’s Degree, or a Doctorate, etc. However, I have felt that a Bachelor’s degree is so basic that I should require that of someone I’m about to date. I suppose that I naively believed that going to college would mean that I’d be better understood. That my way of thinking would be better understood. And, that the massive amount of time and dedication I must spend on my studies in the law would be better understood.

The first truth is that education cannot be equated with intelligence. Being educated means you are formally educated. It does not mean you have street smarts or “life smarts” as I’ll call them. In fact, I’d almost argue that the more educated one is, the more stupid he is in life. Not necessarily, but may I offer the Sheldon character in “Big Bang Theory” or just take a look around at your fellow students, especially in a graduate degree program. Or take many attorneys, for example. Many have not the first clue about how to communicate with real people, the very people they represent.

The second truth is more of a half-truth. For the most part, your fellow students will understand the amount of time and dedication your education requires, and will empathize. Those are your friends. It doesn’t have to, but that understanding often changes when the dynamics of the relationship changes – when friends become lovers… or when you just hop straight to lovers (Oh, how I need to learn to develop a friendship first!).  I don’t know what it is, but we become irrational and less understanding when it comes to romantic relationships. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been bitched at because of my busy schedule. It’s funny because I really do believe that where there’s a will, there’s a way. So, my solution to this is to change what is under my control. I’ll give an example. In this last situation, our schedules were pretty conflicting. But, I thought, “Well, we seem to have everything we’ve been looking for and we really hit it off, so why should a little temporary scheduling get in the way of our happiness?” He worked weekend nights while I had weekends off. His Saturday was my and the rest of the world’s Monday. But, I had a little wiggle room with my schedule, so I accommodated us.  Where he found a conflict, I found the solution. And that worked, temporarily. Then, the complaining began… again.

This isn’t really all that new to me. I think just about every guy I’ve dated has bitched about my schedule instead of making the best of it. Looking back, I realize I’ve always been the one to put in that kind of effort. Perhaps, I should have been saying, “Fine. F**k off, dude.” And eventually, I do. I’ m just so full of determination in just about everything I do. I remember spending weeks trying to figure out how to go to Bali on my flight benefits when I worked for an airline. Every time I found a solution, I hit a huge roadblock. It was the evening before my vacation started, and I just couldn’t give up. I wanted Bali, damn it! At about 11 at night, I figured it out. I even have a photo documenting my extreme excitement of figuring it out. It was frustrating trying to figure it out, but when I was on the plane, I said to myself, “THIS makes it all worth it!”

I look crazy, but I was so happy! :-)

Oh, how I love my tangents! Moving on…. Other things I thought were good achievements that were “pluses", not requirements, were an established career, owning a home, owning a dog, etc. In my mind, I figured these were signs that he has his sh*t together, and wasn’t afraid of commitment. And, it certainly could be, but is not necessarily the case. I’ve learned this the hard way.

My point is that achievements - Degrees, home ownership, a great career, a nice car, the responsibility of pet ownership – DO NOT MAKE A PERSON GOOD -DO NOT MAKE A PERSON WORTH DATING – DO NOT GUARANTEE HE WILL TREAT YOU THE WAY YOU DESERVE. As I write this, I’m thinking, “DUH!” But, I completely overlooked this. I got caught up in what society tells us to look for in a person. Hell, the Millionaire Matchmaker told us to look for these things! Of course, a great career and happiness with it or multiple educational degrees could be an indicator that he/she will be dedicated to other things in life, including a relationship. But, it is definitely not a guarantee. It’s a very simple concept, but we tend to get caught up in the list of achievements rather than the person.

So, back to the drawing board. Personally, I don’t care if someone has gone to college or not… not anymore. It doesn’t mean that that person won’t understand me. And, I’ve had plenty of intellectual, “deep” conversations with the “formally uneducated.” And, I’ve also been told by law students that I have very “deep” thoughts (in a negative way). If I am to judge career choices, I would much rather date someone who has worked really hard, who is self-made than someone who has been handed everything and works at daddy’s firm. I’m just saying that I could have missed out on someone really awesome because I automatically dismissed him based on his career or education.

While my deal-breakers still include things that do not necessarily indicate a good person -Non-Christian, divorced, has kids  (and these things, besides religion, could change) – I’m now focusing more on personality traits, not achievements.

Family-oriented

Patient

Kind

Considerate

Similar Sense of Humor

Intellectual Curiousity

Dedicated

Confident (not cocky)

Emotionally mature

Good communicator

Honest

Trustworthy

Respectful

These are what makes a person GOOD, this is the kind of person worthy of your time.

Me, Myself, and I

Last time, the topic was about validation and self-esteem. I mentioned that we should be getting our self-esteem and validation from within. I also mentioned that even though I know this is the right direction, I’m a bit confused about how to develop more healthy sense of self-worth. But, here are a few idea I’ve come up with:

Stopping judging yourself! No one is perfect. Accept your perceived flaws. If acceptance is too hard right now, try focusing on what you already like about yourself. Your beautiful eyes. Your kind heart. Your dedication.

But, also admit your mistakes. Then, accept them. But more importantly, learn from them. There’s nothing you can do to change the past, but you can change how you think about it.

Do things that make you happy. I’ve said this a million times, but it’s important. Join a gym... and actually go. Start a dance class. Blog. Read in the sun. Whatever it is, just make sure you are doing it for yourself and like doing it, then DO IT! (Ha, I sound like a Nike commercial!) And remember that there’s always time for the important things. No excuses! Keep yourself accountable. Write these things down and put them in a place you’ll see them often like the fridge.

Help others and treat them with respect. I know this sounds like it has nothing to do with self-worth. But, it can feel really good to connect with others or know you made someone’s day go by just a little easier. Hold the door open for someone. Say, "Thank you." Call an old friend. Send a letter... yes, the mailbox kind. I bet someone would really like that. And, if someone treats you badly, kill them with kindness. Walk away knowing you were the best person you could be, and have no regrets.

Spend time with good people who make you feel good. Make "dates" with friends. I think one of the best things about dating is having something to look forward to at the end of the day/week. Instead of relying on dating for that, make dates with friends, and even yourself!

Date yourself! As some of you know from my earliest blogs, I had always wanted to go to a movie and dinner alone. And, I did just that. I’d also make a nice dinner, set the table, light candles, and pour a glass of wine. Who says only company is worth the nice dishes and wine glasses. Ha! Treat yourself how you would want to be treated in a good relationship.

If bad experiences in dating is where your self-esteem tends to crumble… Set your standards, and don’t lower them! Don’t compromise. I have a feeling I’ll expand on this in a later blog because I feel a lot of us are struggling with this nowadays.

Lastly, I’ll share some of my experiences lately:

One thing I’ve recently started is Bikram or hot yoga. Honestly, I hate the first 45 minutes (of 90) in class, but I feel so good afterwards. Some of you might know that I’m a bit of a hippy when it comes to freeing the mind (no drugs or free loving, though!).  This past Tuesday, I went to class first thing in the morning. The instructor said something that really struck a chord with me, “Let yourself grow. Let everything else go.” I don’t think it actually rhymed like that, but you get the point. They always remind us to let our stresses out through our breathing and that the next 90 minutes is about us. Also, I really don’t feel judged there either. I come in with my hair up, no makeup, and no pushup bra… and I don’t feel like anyone is saying, "OMG, look at her hair! She has a pimple! She could use a boob job!" It’s a great feeling, and I never thought I’d get that at a “fitness” class where people tend to be SO superficial. That same morning, out of nowhere, this girl asked if she could say something. She said that she challenged herself to a 30-day (regular) yoga challenge. She’s now done over 60 classes and says that she doesn’t need any of her anxiety or anti-depressant medications. I’m not 100% convinced that I’ll just be some new person. But, I do like the way I feel afterwards. Not to mention I use the time to be positive and focus on myself.

Another “hippy” thing I do is turn off all the lights and light a few candles. I may turn on soft music or not. I may stretch or pray or just sit quietly. I do whatever I feel I need to calm down from the day. And just for a while, in that moment, I’m at peace.

Dancing around to fun music is nothing new to me, but it’s something I’ve forgotten to do over the last few months. After a Bible study, I got home, put on some music, and made pizza. I miss that part of me.

Now, go celebrate yourself! Because you're awesome!