Man A, Date 3

So, I did this whole no initiating contact thing, and Man A did eventually contact me again and asked for a third date… on a Saturday! YeeHa! The rules are working, right?! Well, that feeling of victory was short-lived. He somehow totally forgot his dad’s birthday and had to cancel.

Anyway, eventually we went on that third date… on a Thursday (meh). It went pretty well, and even ended in some kisses. ;-) He said he’d call, but he just texted something really short the next day. Patti Stanger says something like, "Phone calls make the man, texting make the boy, and emails make him a phantom." Good point, Patti!

After dealing with this guy, I completely appreciate a guy’s calls from the recent past. At the time, I wasn’t able to chat on the phone much and often missed calls. But now that I have more free time and have been dating different people, I totally appreciate the phone calls. It’s a little awkward when you don’t know someone too well, but once you’ve been on a few dates, it’s nice to get an old-fashioned call from a boy. ;-) By doing this, he says, “I am making an effort, and right now my attention is all yours.”

So, my conclusion with Man A is this- I’m done. Let’s face it; he’s just not that into me… or at least not for the right reasons. If a man really likes a woman, he’ll make time for her. Obstacles do not stand in a man’s way when he really likes a woman. One of my friends told me her then boyfriend, now husband made several five hour drives from the Central Valley to LA just to see her for a couple of days… just because he missed her. 

“Some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.” And I, I refuse to settle!

So, what valuable information have I learned from this experience? Well, first I’ve been surprisingly less anxious about it than usual. It kinda sucks to be subtly rejected if that’s what you want to call it, but a part of me really doesn’t care. So, I’m learning to be less anxious; I’m getting used to the feeling; my skin's getting thicker. I think that’s a good thing.

Second, you really have to watch what men say to you. And, I know this! But I tend to want to believe them when they say they are ready to get into a relationship. Though, I know a man will say ANYTHING to make you “fall in love” with him so you’ll ultimately sleep with him. I’m finally not as quick to believe ‘em. I took this one really slow, and I believe his true colors began to show before I could make any of my own mistakes. Some red flags (which I should have ran when I seen) were: he's 30 and hasn’t been in a relationship for longer than 6 months or a year (I’m still confused about that one), has had way more sexual partners than I’d like a guy to have, and asked me to stay the night on the third date (hm… I wonder if he just wanted a snuggle buddy for the night… ahahahaha- and, no, he didn't get one, I went home).

Regardless, I’m a little bit stronger and smarter. Next up, is the first date with Man C, which will involve sailing....

Man A, Man B

I forgot a rule- and a pretty important one.

RULE 11: Do Not Accept Last-Minute Dates

·      A man should respect you… and your time.  I know, men aren’t planners. But, you’ll notice that during any good summer love or in any good relationship you’ve had, the man wants to be around you more and more. Some time during the week, he’ll ask you what your plans are for the weekend – NOT It’s 5 o’clock on Friday and you get a text saying, “Hey, wanna meet up tonight?” That’s fine after you’re exclusive, but you’re not a doormat who is ready to hang out at the drop of a hat. Besides, you already have plans, silly!

·      Personally, this can be difficult because I’m fairly spontaneous. But at the same time, I like to have an idea of what my weekend looks like ahead of time – the anticipation of a good date can get me through the workweek. Not to mention, I won't take a backseat. I'm not your backup plans, buddy.

I know these rules can sound harsh. But just remember that things slightly change when you two decide to become “official.” Of course, you can initiate phone calls to your boyfriend or do something last-minute.

As for my progress, I went on a date this week. We’ll call him Man B. I followed Rule 2 (Honor Your Dating Commitments). I didn’t really feel like going on this date, but I’m not a flake. He was nice, but I could tell immediately that I wasn’t clicking with him. I feel bad too because he asked me out tonight. Oh, look! I got a Saturday night date… with the wrong dude. Story of my life. Anyway, I had to decline: ONE, because it was last minute- he asked me out this afternoon; TWO, I know I’m not interested and do not want to go out with someone just for sake of having something to do. Damn you, morals!

Man A. Well, still no mention of a date. He did let me know that he’s busy over the next few weekends, but that he’s interested in seeing only me. I’m really not sure what to think (honest or BS?). Usually, the dates start to pick up by now or the communication picks up... at the least.  I mean, I also know what busy means and have still managed to make time for a new crush even if it wasn’t a Friday, Saturday or Sunday… like my last “relationship” – but look how that turned out for me. Ha! ...Meh. It is what it is. I’d like to see him again and learn more about him, but I’m just going to go on about my life. No sense in wasting energy on it.

Regardless of how things end, I always try to look at something positive I got from the experience. Man A – I feel like we’re equally yoked, which is so important to me… so, he’s able to encourage me through the trials and tribulations that come with being a Christian. I like that he’s able to play the role the Bible asks of a man – the role of spiritual leader. So, with him I became more aware that my relationship with Christ is just that – a relationship – and, any relationship will have its tough times. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.

Man B. I haven’t gotten to know him well at all. But, Gunthers was super busy, so we strolled over to Coffee Garden. I love that place. Anyhoo, I didn’t realize there was some random “talent” happenings on Thursdays. If I get super bored on Thursday, I can head over there, grab a coffee or tea, sit outside with funky talent on a warm summer evening under their mood lighting, and read a book. Sounds awesome to me!

This is also a point that Patti Stanger makes. Yes, dating sucks! But you can learn to enjoy it by doing things you’ve always wanted to do on the date. She suggests making a list of ANYTHING you’ve wanted to do on a date – try a new restaurant, whatever. Then, suggesting one of those things to a guy for a date. One thing I still really want to do is learn more about wine! I think I would find more wines I like (and, finally graduate to red wines) if I just knew what I was looking for. So, even if the date was a complete dud, I’d at least get something good out of it. Until next time….

A Dating Experiment: Me as the Guinea Pig

After years of dating, you’d think I’d have found myself in a better dating situation by now. After all, I’m an educated, attractive, young woman who has a good head on her shoulders. And, it’s not like I’m uneducated in this subject – I mean, I’ve spent some significant time in that dreaded section of the bookstore –  SELF-HELP. 

The advice from the many books I’ve read makes sense, but I somehow fail to follow it just about every time. It appears I’m not alone. I’ve been watching a new series called “Miss Advised”, which follows three women (an advice columnist, a matchmaker, and a sex expert) through their dating lives. The advice columnist and matchmaker say that their dating rules work, yet they can’t seem to follow their own advice.

At this point, I really don’t have much to lose. So, I’ve decided to do some experimenting by  making myself the Test Subject aka "the guinea pig." I will follow the rules I’ve learned so far. For sake of simplicity, I’m going to primarily take my advice from Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Stanger. And you, my readers, are here to keep me accountable. And, please do so!

THE RULES

Rule 1: Promptly Return Calls

·      This means returning calls within 24 to 48 hours (this won’t be much of a problem).

Rule 2: Honor Dating Commitments

·      Hate your flakey friends? Me too. Don’t become like them. If you make a date, keep it! Even if you don’t want to, and even if Channing Tatum calls you up, tells you he’s dumping his wife, and demands he give you one of those sexy lap dances he seems to do so well.

Rule 3: Let the Man Take the Lead

·      HE calls YOU. HE asks you out. If you become the aggressor now, prepare to be the aggressor for the remainder of the relationship.

·      I’ve made this mistake countless times. I have very little patience, and don’t mind going after something I want. HOWEVER, that has not done a damn thing for me in the past, and I’d be crazy to think that the same actions will produce different results.

Rule 4: In the Beginning (first several dates), Keep the Past there – in the Past.

·      No talk of exes, how many dates you’ve been going on, how many losers you’ve managed to attract over the years. None of it.

·      This will be a challenge. I like to know a little about the guy’s past before I bother with potentially wasting my time. I also tend to volunteer my shitty dating experience. Ooops.

Rule 5: Be Engaging

·      Focus your attention on him, not other guys while you’re on a date. Smile and radiate positive energy.

Rule 6: Do Not Drink Too Much on a Date

·      Make sure you maintain classiness and mental clarity.

Rule 7: Act Like a Lady

·      No foul language. Sit like a lady. Say “please” and “thank you.” Thank him for the date on the date. Do not call or text saying you had a good time after the date. Do not talk of sex too early even if you're comfortable with your sexuality.

Rule 8: Express Sincerity and Appreciation

·      For every four dates he pays for, reciprocate with doing something nice like making dinner or something.

·      This might be a bit hard because I don’t want to come off as a gold digger. I think three is probably a better number.

Rule 9: No Sex until Monogamy

·      Also, assume he’s dating other people until he makes it clear you two are exclusive. With that said, make sure you date other people. Do not put all your eggs in one basket until HE initiates “that talk.”

Rule 10: Get into the Saturday Night Slot

·      If he has only has given you his Tuesday nights, you are not a priority. Saturday nights (or equivalent) are prime date nights- He doesn’t have to work and can sleep in the next day. After he’s given you a couple of crap date nights, do not settle for anything other than a Saturday night. It’s your third or fourth date and he suggests Thursday? You’re busy! You can only get together Saturday night! If he won't budge, dump him.

·      This will also be a challenge because I don’t like to give up my weekends for someone I’m not sure about either. But, after a couple of good dates, I’m probably excited to see the guy again and will give up a weekend night. So, I can let the first couple of dates go, but not when things are seemingly going well. People who really hit it off want to spend more quality time together.

That’s all the rules for now. Though, I may add more as I reread my books. Also, it’s important to note that these rules are designed to separate the good men who are looking for a long-term relationship from the douchy one-night stand guys.

As for where I’m starting off… I’m on an online dating site again. So, I will be using this as well as the real world (hopefully). I have one guy I’m particularly interested in, and we’ve been on two dates so far. I’ve actually been okay at following these rules thus far (eh, except the exes- he asked! And, sexuality). However, I’ve definitely received less phone calls lately. Other than that, everything seems to be pointing to another date. He frequently wishes me a good day, and has hinted at future dates. Though, I’ve seen many good actors. He also hasn’t tried to get in my pants… yet. ;-) The biggest obstacle is getting a weekend night. He's often out of town on the weekends. But, I’ll keep you posted. As much as I seem to like him... if I don’t get a weekend night next time, I’m going to have to let this one go… reluctantly. I want a man, after all.

Let the experimenting begin! And, wish me luck!