"Are You Going to Walmart?" & "Do You Want Kids?"

Anyone who has entered the online dating world knows that you have to have a sense of humor, or it’ll eventually annoy the crap out of you. Well, even if you do have a good sense of humor, you find yourself saying, “What the fuck?!” often. It’s been a month, and I’ve hit that point. For example, this one guy, we’ll call him “The Texan”, didn’t receive a reply after a few messages. So, he sends me his phone number. I don’t reply or call or text. He messages, “I’m still waiting on that text.” I still don’t reply. Naturally, the next thing you might do is comment on one of my photos (a professional vintage-esque photo): “I'm interested to know the story behind the outifit...or were you just going to Walmart for the day?” I actually said, “What the fuck?” out loud, then started laughing. Obviously, he can’t handle subtle rejection.

Moving on... this other guy, we’ll call him… hell, I don’t know what to call him. I haven’t exactly encountered this before. The defensiveness of men, yes, absolutely. But, this guy just straight up asked me mid-message: "I was wondering do you want kids? I do want a family in the future." Then, sends another message saying that he’s sorry for being so blunt, but he doesn’t understand my profile selection of “Not Sure” when asked whether I want kids. I’m all for getting things out in the open, but I really had to step back and scratch my head.

What alarmed me most was that I somewhat got the impression from Man A that he was wondering about that too; though, he was way more subtle and I may just be reading into it. Side note: I had a third date with Man A, but I will save that for another time. Anyway, I feel like there's been this sudden shift in gender stereotypes, if that's even the right term. I mean, guys/men usually run the other way when they can smell “baby fever” on a woman. I didn’t think that would be the case when a woman is unsure of having kids.

Unlike a lot of women, I suppose, I don’t feel my biological clock ticking at 29, and I don’t get all crazy around babies. In fact, I’m not sure what to do with them, and I really don’t like other kids (with the exception of a niece or nephew surely, but I don’t have one). And, for the last year+ I’ve been single. I’ve enjoyed waking up whenever I want, not having to consider someone else, or ask someone else for “permission” to do something. After awhile of being single, you start to get used to this freedom, and it’s hard to imagine a man and a child all of a sudden.

Call me crazy, but I know that I do not want a child without a husband. I will not be visiting a sperm bank and parenting on my own. No, thank you! I just haven’t met anyone who makes me want to start a family. I don’t doubt that that could happen, and if I met the right guy and he wanted a family (with me in particular), I’d start a family. But, I just haven’t met him.

I guess I understand a bit of what men may feel when a woman has “baby fever”. Besides the whole “I still want a life thing, and I don’t even know if I like you yet” part, I don’t want to feel like a baby-maker… like I’m just an oven to incubate your little mini-you. I’ve somewhat felt that before, and even on men, it’s not attractive.

Sadly, in the back of my mind, I’ve wondered, “Do I change my status to ‘Someday’?”

Are We Gonna Do This or Not?

Well, well, well, what do you know, I posted something after almost a year. I suppose a quick update is in order. Since the last post, I left one job, began another more in line with my education (okay, completely in line with my education – this chick ended up at a law firm), and I moved back to Sacramento. In short, I’m happy with my job, I live comfortably and in the city I plan to settle down in, I love my neighborhood – I’m truly independent and ready for whatever is next.

As I mentioned in the last few posts over the course of a few years, I’ve felt really numb. As a result, I had little to no interest in dating. My last relationship ended well over a year ago, and until recently I hadn’t gone on a date for that same amount of time. I had opportunities, but just the idea felt like a serious inconvenience. Anyway, ever so slightly I’ve become more interested in dating. I had an unexpected, but nice conversation with someone who is so wrong for me; nonetheless, it suddenly reminded me how nice it can feel to share random thoughts with a man.

I’m not cured of the apathy, but I can feel some excitement here and there. Long story short, I decided to give online dating a try again… for the fifth-ish time. Oh, Lord, help me! I was somewhat excited to see what was out there after over two years of not looking. I recall from past experiences that it wasn’t an amazing process, but either I’ve gotten pickier or the pool has gotten crappier. See, I’m a quality over quantity type of gal. I suppose it’s nice to receive messages from numerous guys, but it’s a bit like finding a needle in a haystack.  I did, however, find one that has a lot of potential. Enter Man A (sound familiar?).

Man A and I have gone out on two dates so far, and he appears to be interested in me. I won’t bore you with the details because that’s not the point. The point is that I’m 20-fucking-9 years old, and want a gentleMAN. I hate playing guessing games, and I want a man who pursues what he wants… like right now. As much as I believe in gender equality, I also enjoy some of the gender roles when it comes to dating.

So all the annoying things that come with dating again brought me to read some of my older blog posts, and it’s funny because I actually started to feel empowered. I thought, “This chick is pretty awesome. She has some good points.” I was glad to be reminded of a somewhat painful reality – “If he isn’t pursuing you like he should, it’s because he doesn’t want to. A man who is really into a woman will pursue her.” And, I completely respect that. In fact, it’s kind of sexy… unless, he doesn’t know when to stop. Fine line, guys, fine line.

I don’t mean to sound arrogant, but I do think I’m a decent catch. Slight tangent – I’m watching Barbara Walters interview Amy Schumer and she’s talking about feeling good naked, “I take my clothes off, and am like, ‘You’re welcome.’” I like that woman! My point - let’s not apologize for being awesome! Moving along…. So, I’m educated, intelligent. I have a good, stable job. I don’t need anyone to take care of me; I can do that myself (that means I’m with you because I want to be with you… imagine that). I will admit when I’m wrong. And, I’m not bad-looking.

In any event, I have no patience when it comes to dating. My thoughts – “Let’s cut the crap. Are we doing this or not?”

Only in a Dream

So, it’s been awhile since my last post – a little over a year and a half. That’s just about the time I started my current job… hmm… interesting. I’ve noticed that during this time I have stopped doing a lot of the things that once added some joy in my life - this being one of them – so I’m trying to make it a point to take some time out for myself and write. Though, if circumstances remain the same, this will continue to be a challenge.

Anyhoo, with Valentine’s Day in view I thought this would be a good time to write about love… or the lack thereof.  I had this strange dream last week. Did you know that you forget 90% of your dreams within 10 minutes upon waking? Yet, here I am still thinking of this dream.

So, what was so special about this dream? It was the way I felt that is so memorable. The circumstances were strange, but I met this amazing dude who I just completely meshed with. It’s hard to explain the feeling. It was as though we understood each other after just a few moments of being introduced. We just somehow made sense. And, the more we talked, the more we knew that the connection was not one to be ignored.

I suppose the feeling is the one I expect when I listen to the song “First Time” by Lifehouse.

I'm feeling alive all over again
As deep as the sky under my skin
Like being in love, she said, for the first time
Maybe I'm wrong, I'm feeling right
Wherever I belong with you tonight
Like being in love to feel for the first time

It’s like that naïve, first love feeling. And, I can’t remember his face. I just remember that he was white, and I think he had light hair. I know it doesn’t necessarily mean anything, but apparently the only faces that appear in our dreams are ones we have seen before whether we realize it or not. I just find that interesting. I wonder who inspired this lovely character.

I suppose the reason I find this dream so memorable is that I haven’t had strong feelings for much of anything in a long time. As I mentioned in I'm back!, I was able to somehow compartmentalize my life beginning my last semester of law school. I did begin dating later on, but I often felt like something was missing and I could never put my finger on it – I only knew that it was something within me.

It’s been about two years since this “numb” feeling began, and I can’t say I’ve ever returned to my former self. At first, the numbness was amazing because I just let idiots rolls off my shoulder. But now, it’s kind of annoying. I mean, I don’t really feel sad or anything. I’m completely fine being single, and the thought of dating again makes me feel like this: 

Although it fades more and more, I hold onto that dream because it reminds me of how good it could feel to fall in love again.