The Call of Fall

It’s that time of year. The leaves begin to change into vibrant hues of orange and gold. The temperature subtly drops, and the smell of rain is in the air. The days become a little shorter and the nights, a little longer. Yes, my friends, the call of Fall is upon me.

I suppose my moods change with the seasons themselves. After a cold, cloudy Winter, I find myself smiling while driving down the highway at the warmth of sun upon my skin. As Summer approaches, all I want to do is have some fun in the sun. But, as Fall and Winter approach, I find myself feeling more passionate… and tempted toward love.

But, love is the last thing I need right now. I only have a few more weeks of classes, which means finals are fast-approaching. Not to mention, after finals, I have to study for the Bar like a full-time job, but worse – 8+ hours a day, 7 days a week, for about 2 ½ months straight. Adding love to the picture sounds to me like a recipe for disaster – unless, of course, he’s extremely patient, kind, and supportive. But, experience tells me, “Keep dreaming, sister!”

Practicality aside, I find something tugging at my heartstrings in these months. I just feel more in tune with my emotional needs. It’s a sensual, passionate kind of emotion. Not necessarily a want for the very beginning stages of a relationship – but the part where it’s still somewhat new, though you know each other well and feel comfortable. An affectionate stare. Slow, passionate kisses. Being held just tightly enough that your bodies fit perfectly together like a glove clothes a hand. The need of no words, only chemistry.

And, I’m not talking about hot, primal sex either (though, that probably sounds like that’s where I’m headed). It’s that feeling you get as a result of mirror neurons when watching a romantic movie. Or listening to a song like Edwin McCain’s “I Could Not Ask For More”.

Lying here with you
Listening to the rain
Smiling just to see the smile upon your face
These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I found all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

It’s no wonder that the vast majority of my relationships have begun in the Fall or Winter. I blame the change of seasons for the sudden surge of emotion. But, for now, it is all it can be – an irrational longing… because, well, the heart isn’t rational, now, is it?

An Unexpected Date and a New Rule

As you may remember per my last post in August, dating is on hold. But, unfortunately, the world doesn’t revolve around me.

So, a few weeks ago, I received an email from a guy who I met online in the summer. We never met because we live about two hours apart. But since we enjoyed talking to one another, we exchanged email addresses. Anyhoo, it just so happened that he would to be in town for work. At first, I already had plans. But, as the date got closer (points for him for giving me a proper head’s up), my plans fell through and I thought, “What the heck… why not?”

Sounds innocent enough, right? As a result, I’m expanding and elaborating on Rule 3: Let the Man Take the Lead (see A Dating Experiment: Me as the Guinea Pig). Anyway, we were to meet where he’d be working, which was about 25 miles away from my house and at a time that was earlier than I would have liked. When I got there, the parking was a mess. Long story short, I told him it’d be better to meet up another time.

Mistake 1: Getting up earlier than I would have normally. Since I’ve been unemployed, I’ve been more of a night owl and well, I’ve never liked waking up early... unless, it’s going to the airport to go on a trip. And, I know, a “date” in the morning? Try to forget about that part.

Mistake 2: Driving 25 miles to meet.

Right move 1: Deciding I was not about to pay $10 for parking, and telling him it’d be better to meet up another time.

To some, I just sound inflexible and cheap. But, dig a litter deeper - having to set my alarm on a Saturday morning for a guy I don’t know and driving 25 miles to meet up says DOORMAT. Luckily, I already had it in my mind that if I couldn't find convenient parking, I wouldn't put any more effort into it. Besides, shouldn’t the guy be shelling out the money on the first “date”? Yeah, you heard me right. It’s 2012 and the guy still pays for dinner... or coffee or whatever.

Sidenote: a lesson to the guys out there, the correct thing to do would have been to meet me halfway… or at least, at a nearby coffee shop. I’m not necessarily mad at him for not “reading my mind” on this… I know he was there for work, but I am mad at myself for going out of my way for someone I don’t really know.

So, my elaboration on Rule 3 is this - letting him take the lead also means letting him come to you… literally. Most guys I know who really like a girl will be mindful enough of her preferences – whether there’s a certain restaurant she might like, where she wants to meet, whether it’d be okay if he picks her up. The answers don’t matter. She could want to swing at some golf balls and eat burgers or  go to a fancy restaurant (though, I’d choose the former most of the time). The point is that he’s giving her options and being accommodating (since he was the one who asked her out a.k.a. being a man).

This also leads me to a new rule:

Rule 12: Let a First Date be Date

These circumstances sounded like a good opportunity to meet, but the proper response would have been, “That’s great that you’ll be in town. If I’m not busy after you’re finished with work, we should meet up.” Simply getting across that you’re not a convenience and would like a proper date.

Please Hold

Since the last post, I went on one other date, planned another with a new guy, cancelled that date, and rejected two second dates.

So, Man D, was it? Upon meeting him, I immediately wasn’t feeling the attraction. I feel so awful when that happens. It makes me feel a bit superficial, but hey, if you’re ever going to procreate, the thought of jumping his bones has got to cross your mind at some point. I’ve definitely dated purely for personality in the past. Let me tell ya, it doesn’t work. You have to feel some kind of attraction toward the person if you want any hope of a future. To me, that doesn’t mean he has to have a six-pack or ocean blue eyes. After all, attraction comes in many forms. But, Man D, I just wasn’t feelin’ it.

About the same time, Man C asked me out again, and I declined. See, I have no problem finding crazy, insecure, or jerky men. The confident, attractive, supportive, God-fearing men… I’m convinced that there’s sign on my forehead that reads, “Normal men need not apply!”

And, remember Man A? Well, he’s texted me twice now. In the first text, he apologized for it being a while since he had made contact and said that a lot had been going on, and hoped I was doing well. After receiving no response from me, he texted last night stating that he felt he owed me an explanation. My first thought, “You mean, had I replied you weren’t going to tell me the truth?” Anyway, he logically explained that he fell off the face of the earth because an ex he had once wanted to marry came back into his life after our last date. But rest assured, she’s gone! Because he found out she was sleeping with one of his friends. And, now he has one less friend too. But, he totally understands if I have already moved on.

So, my second thoughts? “Oh, baby! I’m so glad you’re back. Yes, even after you ran back to your ex who, according to you, has a lot of psychological issues. I just love taking second place, especially when someone choses me only after he finds out his ex was screwing his friend. That's when I feel the most special.” I was busting up laughing when I read his text. “Oh, and by the way, I’m so glad you’re 30 and use text to explain your crazy-ass drama to a girl you still want to have something to do with.”

The most irritating thing is being lied to. I mean, don’t tell me you aren’t seeing other girls and are only pursuing me, then use excuses as to why you go incommunicado as an attempt to keep me as a backup. Have some respect, dude. Here’s a very critical piece of truth, ladies: if he’s not pursuing you, it’s because he doesn’t want to. It’s quite simple. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again - NOTHING will stand in a man’s way when he genuinely likes a woman.

My response to this experiment thus far is that it does make it easier to distinguish the decent men from the losers. As I said in the last post, it’s also helped to reinforce the respect I have for myself. I can’t tell you how good it feels to patiently wait for a man to prove himself… or disprove himself. How good it feels to NOT to throw all common sense aside and dive into a “relationship” with someone you don’t know. It feels so good to leave someone knowing I made no mistakes of my own and stuck to my convictions. It's very empowering.

So, I decided that the online thing has ran its course for now. In 4 months, I graduate law school. In 6 months, I take the Bar Exam.  I don’t need to take on the risk of dating drama during such an important time in my life. So, for now, I’m putting dating on hold.

Man C and Sailing

So, this was the first date with Man C. We planned on sailing, but once we got there, there was pretty much no wind. So, we kayaked instead.

As far as following the rules go, I did pretty well except we did touch on subjects every now and then concerning past dating experiences. I find this incredibly hard to avoid because it usually comes as a follow-up example to a statement. For example, we were talking about work and the time it takes away from the rest of your life. He mentioned he had dated a doctor and never wanted to date one again. Then, sorta explained it. That kind of thing. It's so hard to get around. We're on a date, and we've been shaped into who we are now by our past dating experiences. So, that's something I still need to work on.

On that note, I sorta added another rule, but it’s a minor one. I really think it’s important to avoid being half naked early on in the dating process. And, I’ve seen Patti Stanger on Millionaire Matchmaker scold a guy for taking a girl on a first date where she was required to wear a swimsuit, so I’m not making this up. The idea behind it is that you’re letting the guy check out the goods before making a purchase.  So, sailing, kayaking… it calls for swimsuits! As hot as I was I kept my shirt and shorts on when we left the dock. I did decide to take off my shorts later because I had to go somewhere after and they were getting wet (poor planning on my part). Overall, I stayed as clothed as possible under the circumstances. I know the saying goes that a man falls in love through his eyes, but I really don’t think he needs a half naked body – that’s probably going to give him a boner, not make him fall in love. Let’s be real!

So, how did the date go? Okay, so he’s got a nice car, no doubt. I think a Porsche, if I remember correctly. “But, that don’t impress me much. So you got the CAR, but have you got the touch?” Probably not. I wasn’t really feeling it. He used the words "fat" and "ugly" to describe people including random passerbys. Personally, I prefer euphemisms. I’m not saying those words don’t cross my mind, but there’s probably a more tactful way to go about it, especially when you really don’t know the other person. Ironically enough, I find people who consistently describe others in those terms to have very low self-esteem. On the flip side, power to ya for being yourself – it makes my job a lot easier in deciding whether I’d want another date.

With that said, surprisingly, we were out on the water for a few hours. I know not everyone is perfect, so I put my happy face on and made conversation. I do give him credit for bringing an ice chest and snacks. And, he wasn’t awful. We talked for a long time and I wasn't bored. I just didn’t get butterflies. I just didn’t feel that “click”.

Once I got in my car, I thought FOR SURE he was not going to contact me again. I thought, “If I’m not really feeling it, how could he?” To my surprise, I received a text from him telling me he had a good time and would like to take me out again. Isn’t it interesting how that works? Girl really likes boy, boy sorta likes girl and doesn’t pursue much. Girl doesn’t like boy, boy really likes girl and pursues her. Grrrr! When, oh, when will the planets align?

I'm slightly inclined to give people the benefit of the doubt and try for a second date, but it'll just depend on how I'm feeling that day. Lately, I've found dating to be much less exciting than it should be. Maybe I'm just more realistic. :-) 

Overall, I feel like I’m becoming a lot more confident about my beliefs, my opinions… myself in general. And also, more nonchalant about this whole dating thing. Regardless of whether any of these guys “work out”, I’m learning what works and what doesn’t… what I can handle and what I can’t… which will ultimately lead me to much better relationships. No one has really had the whole package yet, but some have come sorta close, I suppose. But, I'm still young, and I still think I deserve the whole package.

Next up... date with Man D.

Man A, Date 3

So, I did this whole no initiating contact thing, and Man A did eventually contact me again and asked for a third date… on a Saturday! YeeHa! The rules are working, right?! Well, that feeling of victory was short-lived. He somehow totally forgot his dad’s birthday and had to cancel.

Anyway, eventually we went on that third date… on a Thursday (meh). It went pretty well, and even ended in some kisses. ;-) He said he’d call, but he just texted something really short the next day. Patti Stanger says something like, "Phone calls make the man, texting make the boy, and emails make him a phantom." Good point, Patti!

After dealing with this guy, I completely appreciate a guy’s calls from the recent past. At the time, I wasn’t able to chat on the phone much and often missed calls. But now that I have more free time and have been dating different people, I totally appreciate the phone calls. It’s a little awkward when you don’t know someone too well, but once you’ve been on a few dates, it’s nice to get an old-fashioned call from a boy. ;-) By doing this, he says, “I am making an effort, and right now my attention is all yours.”

So, my conclusion with Man A is this- I’m done. Let’s face it; he’s just not that into me… or at least not for the right reasons. If a man really likes a woman, he’ll make time for her. Obstacles do not stand in a man’s way when he really likes a woman. One of my friends told me her then boyfriend, now husband made several five hour drives from the Central Valley to LA just to see her for a couple of days… just because he missed her. 

“Some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.” And I, I refuse to settle!

So, what valuable information have I learned from this experience? Well, first I’ve been surprisingly less anxious about it than usual. It kinda sucks to be subtly rejected if that’s what you want to call it, but a part of me really doesn’t care. So, I’m learning to be less anxious; I’m getting used to the feeling; my skin's getting thicker. I think that’s a good thing.

Second, you really have to watch what men say to you. And, I know this! But I tend to want to believe them when they say they are ready to get into a relationship. Though, I know a man will say ANYTHING to make you “fall in love” with him so you’ll ultimately sleep with him. I’m finally not as quick to believe ‘em. I took this one really slow, and I believe his true colors began to show before I could make any of my own mistakes. Some red flags (which I should have ran when I seen) were: he's 30 and hasn’t been in a relationship for longer than 6 months or a year (I’m still confused about that one), has had way more sexual partners than I’d like a guy to have, and asked me to stay the night on the third date (hm… I wonder if he just wanted a snuggle buddy for the night… ahahahaha- and, no, he didn't get one, I went home).

Regardless, I’m a little bit stronger and smarter. Next up, is the first date with Man C, which will involve sailing....

Man A, Man B

I forgot a rule- and a pretty important one.

RULE 11: Do Not Accept Last-Minute Dates

·      A man should respect you… and your time.  I know, men aren’t planners. But, you’ll notice that during any good summer love or in any good relationship you’ve had, the man wants to be around you more and more. Some time during the week, he’ll ask you what your plans are for the weekend – NOT It’s 5 o’clock on Friday and you get a text saying, “Hey, wanna meet up tonight?” That’s fine after you’re exclusive, but you’re not a doormat who is ready to hang out at the drop of a hat. Besides, you already have plans, silly!

·      Personally, this can be difficult because I’m fairly spontaneous. But at the same time, I like to have an idea of what my weekend looks like ahead of time – the anticipation of a good date can get me through the workweek. Not to mention, I won't take a backseat. I'm not your backup plans, buddy.

I know these rules can sound harsh. But just remember that things slightly change when you two decide to become “official.” Of course, you can initiate phone calls to your boyfriend or do something last-minute.

As for my progress, I went on a date this week. We’ll call him Man B. I followed Rule 2 (Honor Your Dating Commitments). I didn’t really feel like going on this date, but I’m not a flake. He was nice, but I could tell immediately that I wasn’t clicking with him. I feel bad too because he asked me out tonight. Oh, look! I got a Saturday night date… with the wrong dude. Story of my life. Anyway, I had to decline: ONE, because it was last minute- he asked me out this afternoon; TWO, I know I’m not interested and do not want to go out with someone just for sake of having something to do. Damn you, morals!

Man A. Well, still no mention of a date. He did let me know that he’s busy over the next few weekends, but that he’s interested in seeing only me. I’m really not sure what to think (honest or BS?). Usually, the dates start to pick up by now or the communication picks up... at the least.  I mean, I also know what busy means and have still managed to make time for a new crush even if it wasn’t a Friday, Saturday or Sunday… like my last “relationship” – but look how that turned out for me. Ha! ...Meh. It is what it is. I’d like to see him again and learn more about him, but I’m just going to go on about my life. No sense in wasting energy on it.

Regardless of how things end, I always try to look at something positive I got from the experience. Man A – I feel like we’re equally yoked, which is so important to me… so, he’s able to encourage me through the trials and tribulations that come with being a Christian. I like that he’s able to play the role the Bible asks of a man – the role of spiritual leader. So, with him I became more aware that my relationship with Christ is just that – a relationship – and, any relationship will have its tough times. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.

Man B. I haven’t gotten to know him well at all. But, Gunthers was super busy, so we strolled over to Coffee Garden. I love that place. Anyhoo, I didn’t realize there was some random “talent” happenings on Thursdays. If I get super bored on Thursday, I can head over there, grab a coffee or tea, sit outside with funky talent on a warm summer evening under their mood lighting, and read a book. Sounds awesome to me!

This is also a point that Patti Stanger makes. Yes, dating sucks! But you can learn to enjoy it by doing things you’ve always wanted to do on the date. She suggests making a list of ANYTHING you’ve wanted to do on a date – try a new restaurant, whatever. Then, suggesting one of those things to a guy for a date. One thing I still really want to do is learn more about wine! I think I would find more wines I like (and, finally graduate to red wines) if I just knew what I was looking for. So, even if the date was a complete dud, I’d at least get something good out of it. Until next time….

A Dating Experiment: Me as the Guinea Pig

After years of dating, you’d think I’d have found myself in a better dating situation by now. After all, I’m an educated, attractive, young woman who has a good head on her shoulders. And, it’s not like I’m uneducated in this subject – I mean, I’ve spent some significant time in that dreaded section of the bookstore –  SELF-HELP. 

The advice from the many books I’ve read makes sense, but I somehow fail to follow it just about every time. It appears I’m not alone. I’ve been watching a new series called “Miss Advised”, which follows three women (an advice columnist, a matchmaker, and a sex expert) through their dating lives. The advice columnist and matchmaker say that their dating rules work, yet they can’t seem to follow their own advice.

At this point, I really don’t have much to lose. So, I’ve decided to do some experimenting by  making myself the Test Subject aka "the guinea pig." I will follow the rules I’ve learned so far. For sake of simplicity, I’m going to primarily take my advice from Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Stanger. And you, my readers, are here to keep me accountable. And, please do so!

THE RULES

Rule 1: Promptly Return Calls

·      This means returning calls within 24 to 48 hours (this won’t be much of a problem).

Rule 2: Honor Dating Commitments

·      Hate your flakey friends? Me too. Don’t become like them. If you make a date, keep it! Even if you don’t want to, and even if Channing Tatum calls you up, tells you he’s dumping his wife, and demands he give you one of those sexy lap dances he seems to do so well.

Rule 3: Let the Man Take the Lead

·      HE calls YOU. HE asks you out. If you become the aggressor now, prepare to be the aggressor for the remainder of the relationship.

·      I’ve made this mistake countless times. I have very little patience, and don’t mind going after something I want. HOWEVER, that has not done a damn thing for me in the past, and I’d be crazy to think that the same actions will produce different results.

Rule 4: In the Beginning (first several dates), Keep the Past there – in the Past.

·      No talk of exes, how many dates you’ve been going on, how many losers you’ve managed to attract over the years. None of it.

·      This will be a challenge. I like to know a little about the guy’s past before I bother with potentially wasting my time. I also tend to volunteer my shitty dating experience. Ooops.

Rule 5: Be Engaging

·      Focus your attention on him, not other guys while you’re on a date. Smile and radiate positive energy.

Rule 6: Do Not Drink Too Much on a Date

·      Make sure you maintain classiness and mental clarity.

Rule 7: Act Like a Lady

·      No foul language. Sit like a lady. Say “please” and “thank you.” Thank him for the date on the date. Do not call or text saying you had a good time after the date. Do not talk of sex too early even if you're comfortable with your sexuality.

Rule 8: Express Sincerity and Appreciation

·      For every four dates he pays for, reciprocate with doing something nice like making dinner or something.

·      This might be a bit hard because I don’t want to come off as a gold digger. I think three is probably a better number.

Rule 9: No Sex until Monogamy

·      Also, assume he’s dating other people until he makes it clear you two are exclusive. With that said, make sure you date other people. Do not put all your eggs in one basket until HE initiates “that talk.”

Rule 10: Get into the Saturday Night Slot

·      If he has only has given you his Tuesday nights, you are not a priority. Saturday nights (or equivalent) are prime date nights- He doesn’t have to work and can sleep in the next day. After he’s given you a couple of crap date nights, do not settle for anything other than a Saturday night. It’s your third or fourth date and he suggests Thursday? You’re busy! You can only get together Saturday night! If he won't budge, dump him.

·      This will also be a challenge because I don’t like to give up my weekends for someone I’m not sure about either. But, after a couple of good dates, I’m probably excited to see the guy again and will give up a weekend night. So, I can let the first couple of dates go, but not when things are seemingly going well. People who really hit it off want to spend more quality time together.

That’s all the rules for now. Though, I may add more as I reread my books. Also, it’s important to note that these rules are designed to separate the good men who are looking for a long-term relationship from the douchy one-night stand guys.

As for where I’m starting off… I’m on an online dating site again. So, I will be using this as well as the real world (hopefully). I have one guy I’m particularly interested in, and we’ve been on two dates so far. I’ve actually been okay at following these rules thus far (eh, except the exes- he asked! And, sexuality). However, I’ve definitely received less phone calls lately. Other than that, everything seems to be pointing to another date. He frequently wishes me a good day, and has hinted at future dates. Though, I’ve seen many good actors. He also hasn’t tried to get in my pants… yet. ;-) The biggest obstacle is getting a weekend night. He's often out of town on the weekends. But, I’ll keep you posted. As much as I seem to like him... if I don’t get a weekend night next time, I’m going to have to let this one go… reluctantly. I want a man, after all.

Let the experimenting begin! And, wish me luck!