Coming Out

Yes, I'm coming out of the closet! But not in the sense you're thinking. This figure of speech has been a reoccurring theme in my life lately. Of course, you've  probably only heard this phrase used in the context of gays and lesbians no longer being ashamed of their sexuality. But a pastor of all people recently said, "We could all learn something from this gay and lesbian movement." While he meant it in the context of Christianity, I'm going to take it a step further and talk about it in the context of identity in general.

Coming out means you're no longer willing to hide your true identity. You are no longer ashamed of who you are. Every single one of us has things we hide from people... out of fear of rejection, lack of confidence, or because we've been broken and scarred. Regardless of the cause, we're unsure of how people will react. We're too afraid to be judged. What will he think? What will she think? What if I'm not the person everyone thinks I am? 

First, think about it in the physical sense. Ladies, do you wear makeup? Do you color your hair? What are we trying to hide? Perhaps, that imperfect skin or that hair color you perceive as boring. I'd really just like someone to think I'm just as beautiful in the morning without the makeup as I am at night with all the makeup.

Now let's look at the gym and working out. While I understand staying fit is a healthy life decision, it also sheds some light on what we think of ourselves. We not only go to the gym to be healthy, but also to change some things. Maybe we'd like a little more muscle and a little less jiggle. I'd say this plays a fairly big role for men, especially. I bet having those muscles makes you more confident when approaching a woman. I mean, wouldn't she be less interested if you didn't have those nice biceps? Would she leave you if you didn't look the way you do? I bet that's crossed a few people's minds. I was even asked in a relationship once if I'd stay if something tragic ever happened to him and he didn't look the way he did then or became paralyzed. What he was asking me was, "Do you accept me for me?" I bet you'd really just like to be accepted for who you are too.

That brings me to the more important stuff... what's on the inside. Unfortunately, we can't go to the store and buy some makeup to cover up that inner defect. It's not quite that easy. Instead, we choose not to share things about ourselves. Or sometimes we get defensive, and don't explain why. Either way we're hiding our true identity. We want to be perceived as perfect and happy. We're not perfect. We'll never be perfect. And we can't always be happy. Shit happens.

One thing that comes to mind is the front couples put on. Have you ever been shocked to see a seemingly happy couple get a divorce or breakup? "I had no idea! I thought they were happy!" We want to maintain the best outward appearance for people when on the inside we're actually crying out for help!

I wish we could all be a little more honest with each other. Stop judging one another. Who likes to be judged? Certainly, not me. And I bet you don't either. I'd even bet some of you are judging me this very moment. But instead of judging, I ask you to be a little more transparent.

How about this? I'll start. So, what are some things in my closet? One, I'm a Christian. That's not news to many of you. But I am fairly quiet about my beliefs. I don't feel it's necessary to preach to people. But I do believe in God and it is important to me. When good things happen in my life, I know why or who put them there. I know they are really just answered prayers. I don't often say that. Rather, I just share the good news. Sometimes, I'm afraid to share what I actually believe for fear of being judged by non-Christians. I really shouldn't be ashamed because my beliefs make me happy. I just want people to accept that I have these beliefs and not be so hostile about it.

Two, I'm hiding behind a mask of fear when it comes to dating. A lot of things in my life are where they should be. I feel like I have everything I need and pretty much want right now with one exception- I have no one to share it with. Again, I feel ashamed for feeling lonely sometimes. I feel ungrateful for wanting more, for asking for more. I feel people judge me as being desperate for wanting to be in relationship. And that mask of fear... I'm afraid that the next attempt at dating will be just like all the others. Honestly, I'm so tired of dating a guy for a few weeks, and it failing. I'm tired of meeting men who pressure me and don't respect "Let's wait and get to know each other." And I haven't been in an actual relationship in almost three years now. I've definitely done my share of dating, but I rarely feel a true spark. And I miss that spark. I miss being able to call someone and share my day with him. I miss being able to call someone to come over and watch a movie spur of the moment. So, yeah, I miss being in a relationship, and I'm afraid I won't meet a nice, God-fearing, educated, attractive, respectful guy. Bottom line, I just want to be respected, adored, and accepted for the crazy, quirky chick I am. And I want to feel in love again. I don't think that's all that crazy. It's human nature to want share your life with someone.

So, there. There's some transparency, some honesty. Now, what's hiding in your closet? What would you like people to truly accept about you?

What a Man Wants

 A bitter woman would say,  “All a man wants is sex.” Of course men want sex, and I may be going out on a limb here, but I don’t think that’s all they want from a woman. And you know what the bitter man would say? The same thing as the bitter woman, “All I want is sex, baby.” I’ve definitely ran into a few of these guys, and I’ve found that these men are more often than not scorn by girlfriends of the past, and use sex as a cover-up. 

That reminds me of a song I heard today - “All the pretty girls involved with me. Makin’ pretty love to me. Pretty pity. I can’t feel a thing. I can’t feel her. Novocain for the pain." (“Novocain” by Frank Ocean).  I’ve heard it before, but it just made more sense to me today. My interpretation is that he’s caught up on this one girl and he feels nothing for these other girls when he’s well… fucking them. See, even rappers write about this stuff. 

Now, I realize that I’m not a man. But I’ve had enough experience dating them to conclude that men want more than just sex. (And keep in mind that I was once that bitter woman ;-)). So, what on earth can a woman give (besides sex) that his buddies can’t? First, a man wants someone to boost his ego. I’ve talked about this before in a previous post ("To Feel Important"), but for those of you who missed it, I will elaborate. 

Ego boosts can make him feel many different ways: Important… Sexy… Smart…Strong… Needed. Yes, his buddies can do a little of this for him, but it’s nothing like a what a woman can do. Think about it - when you meet a new friend, you probably don’t disappear from the world. But men and women alike seem to fall off the face of the earth when they meet someone special. 

So, back to the ego. Men have bigger egos to fill than women. I don’t necessarily mean that in a condescending way… we all need a boost now and then, but I think it’s particularly important for men. Men really don’t get that positive reinforcement as much as women do. For example, men are not in the business of giving each other compliments… not like women. When’s the last time you heard a guy say, “Bro, I just love your hair. How’d you do it?” Or “Man, those jeans look so good on you!” Or “You smell so good! What are you wearing?” To us women, this is completely normal and we get a lot of compliments from our friends... and even from our “frienemies.” We also get them from the opposite sex. When you go out for a date, the first thing a guy usually says is, “You look great tonight.” And you’ll probably hear it over and over.  This complimenting is mostly one-sided for men, that is,  most of what they hear is from the opposite sex. 

And I’m not just talking about complimenting on the physical. He’d love to hear about how much you admire his baseball skills. Or how smart you think he is. Or how safe you feel when you’re around him. Men don’t quite get that much attention when it comes to compliments, but they like them no less. So, lesson one: He wants an ego boost.

Lesson two: He wants a woman! He wants femininity. The gender roles can vary with each guy, but I’d bet that most men would prefer a woman who is clean, knows how to cook, can be a great mother, dresses feminine, and has long hair (yes, most men prefer long hair). Now, this doesn’t mean you have to be a stay-at-home mom, but I think the ability to play those gender roles goes a long way. Reverse it. What kind of man do you like? I know I like a man who can play the gender role if need be. First, I like men who are built like a man. He's got some muscle. Muscle that would be far too gross on a woman. Second, he can also get the stuff off the top shelf for me and can open those damn jars that never seem to want to come off. He knows how to change a tire.  He’ll kill spiders for me (remember the Sex in the City episode where Charlotte dates the guy who jumps up on a chair at the first sight of a mouse and tells her to kill it! That was about the time she put him in "the friend zone."). I can do all those "manly" things on my own, but I like a man to be able to do these things if I don't feel like being Miss Independent 24/7. So, yes, a man wants a woman because well… she’s a woman.

Lesson three: He wants someone to share his life with. Okay, so guys don’t like to talk as much as we do, but they would still like someone to be there to listen when they do want to talk. Maybe he’s had a bad day and wants to vent. Or he might want to see that new Kids movie coming out or listen to soft, sensual music like Sade, but he sure as hell isn’t going to do that with the boys because they’ll tease him for weeks about it. Or maybe he’s really in need of a vacation and wants to spend a calm week away in Hawaii.  Or maybe he doesn’t feel like spending the weekend in bars and just wants to sit home with someone. Chances are that someone he wants to sit home with is a chick.

I’m sure there are a ton more things a man wants. What 99% of them will have in common is an emotional/psychological component. So yes, men have emotions- they are just a hell of a lot better at hiding them than we are.  Alas, I’ll leave you with a quote I heard on an episode of one of my favorite shows:

“There are distinct differences between male and female brains. Female brains have a larger hippocampus, which usually makes them better at retention and memory. Male brains have a bigger parietal cortex, which helps when fending off an attack. Male brains confront challenges differently than female brains. Women are hard-wired to communicate with language… detail… empathy. Men... not so much. But it doesn’t mean [they are] any less capable of emotion.”

Online Dating

I just activated an online profile yesterday. I'm finding that I still have some weird resistance to online dating. I have no idea what it is, but it freaks me out a little. I think part of it is that you are meeting through a dating site. We're all there for that very reason. Contrast that with casually meeting someone through school, an organization, a friend, etc. It's usually unexpected. You go about your business, then then POOF he's there, and before you know it you're having a great conversation and wondering if he's feeling the same way. Things progress, and the rest is history.

I guess I feel less pressure with the good old-fashioned way. In all honesty, I'd much prefer it that way. However, it's just not working for me. I've never been into meeting someone at a bar. And I suppose that in the back of my mind, I kinda expected to meet someone at school or through friends. I'm really not trying to be rude, but it's slim-pickin' at my school. The average law school guy has a ridiculous ego, is very insecure and socially awkward. There are some decent guys, however, I tend to find out they all have girlfriends or wives. Of course! Bottom line: what I've been doing isn't working.

Back to online dating. I'm actually surprised to hear that quite a few people I know have found good relationships through online dating. So far it's only been through eharmony and match. So, I'm going to have to try that out next. (Currently, my only profile is on a free site that shall remain nameless). Slowly, I think online dating has become more acceptable. I hear so many girls with the same complaints about dating the normal way. And with our busy schedules, it's really hard to take the time out to just sit on the couch and wait for prince charming to come knock on our doors. ;-) So, I figure what do we have to lose? It's working for some people, and they're happy. I guess it doesn't really matter how you meet just as long as you found someone compatible and you're both happy.

With that said, I'd like to share what little experience I do have. I figure it's a good laugh. I'd say the majority of guys are so far from my expectations. The following are all worthy of the DELETE button:

1) "Sup" - really? You think that's going to get a response? Grow up, buddy.
2) "Ur so beautiful" - "Ur" is spelled "You're"
3) Spelling and sentence structure in general - No one is perfect, but you should have some basics down. You only get one first impression.
3) Messaging several times - If I didn't respond the first time, I'm not going to respond the second... or third time either... and I'm going to label you as desperate and creepy.
4) Your pictures consist of you taking a picture of yourself in the mirror with your shirt off.
5) Too old or too young - I do not have daddy issues, and I'm also not looking for a Frat boy.
6) Non-Religious/Atheist - I clearly mentioned faith was important to me. Did you not read my profile?
7) You have pictures of your ex-girlfriend on your profile... or you blur out her face. That's weird, dude.
8) You send me a private message with pictures of your car.

I could go on and on, I'm sure. On a positive note, I've probably seen maybe one or two guys that may fit. I guess it only takes one, right?