The Quarter-Life Crisis

As some of you have noticed, I haven’t posted any new posts lately. No, I haven’t ran off into the sunset (and off the face of the earth) with Mr. Right. I wish! I actually tried writing on two different topics yesterday, and another last week. I began the posts just fine, then BAM hit a roadblock. I have about 5 unfinished topics now!

You see, that’s just it. I’m stuck. Incredibly stuck. I’m standing on a path, and I can’t seem to move. I’ve come too far to go back, but I can’t take another step forward for what lies ahead seems too distant. And, I’m exhausted. So very, very exhausted.

First, I’m tired of school. I’ve been going to school for about 20 years now! Almost 20 years straight (I took a year off between college and law school). And, I freaking hate law school these days. I’m not sure I ever really, actually enjoyed it. I like the idea of it, and the idea of what I could be. I liked what I imagined practice would be like, and the kind of exciting, passionate work I’d be doing. The truth is I’ll be lucky to have a job in the legal field, let alone anything that I actually want to do… oh, and make enough money doing it to make it worth the ridiculous hours… AND pay off the loans. It’s a little late, perhaps, but I REJECT the typical attorney lifestyle. “Screw you!” I say. To me it says, “Ha! I’ve already screwed you out of over $100,000 and precious years of your life! Joke’s on you, Ms. Collins!”

So... I don’t think I want to be an attorney, not from what I see. Every now and then I come back to the idea and try to console myself. But, then my dreaming mind wanders off to more exciting places. What I see some of my friends doing… I would rather someone just shoot me now (don’t literally shoot me, please ;-)). I cannot spend the next 30 or so years spending most of my waking hours hating what I’m doing. I just can’t. 

I’m also tired of being told who to be in terms of becoming an attorney. (How appropriate! So, I’m listening to my iTunes and Sara Bareilles’ “Good Girls” comes on, “Wear it if you can, take it like a man, remember your place!” Despite the name of the song, I think I am a fairly good girl).

Anyway, I’m just tired of feeling like a misfit because I have my own personality and own ideas. And, I actually like this quirky personality of mine. I don’t want to be anyone else. I think that’s the first step to any kind of happiness, to love yourself. Yet, I’m told I can’t wear this, I can’t say that… I just have to accept the way it’s “supposed” to be. And, I feel crazy for questioning the status quo. Honestly, questioning is really nothing new to me. But, it can be a very lonely place.

Speaking of lonely. I’m so tired of being lonely. And, I’m tired meeting immature, selfish guys when I do meet guys. I’m tired of letting someone in and getting hurt. I want a MAN. A big, strong, mature man.

I’m tired of being the third wheel… well, usually the seventh wheel or so. Or the only girl in the room who can’t contribute to the “my boyfriend/husband this and that” conversation. I’m tired of feeling like I’m practically the only single person left among my friends. She’s engaged. He’s married. They’re having a baby. I’m nowhere near those milestones! Hell, I’m not even finished with school! Lord, I know you tell me not to look at what others have, but give me a break! I’m trying to be patient. I’ve taken a lot of time to learn about myself and become a better communicator, etc. But, every time I get back out there, I come out even more frustrated and exhausted. I frequently think to myself, “Where the hell is he?!”

So, what does this mean to me? For the first time in my life, I don’t know what’s next! That could be exciting, but the unknown scares the living daylights out of me! I don’t even know where I’m going to be living a year from now. Not the slightest clue. Though, God willing, I’ll be in Asia this summer. I’ve applied for a summer internship in Vietnam, and I have an interview after I get back from Spring Break. I could really use some new scenery, and a fresh perspective.

And, I’ll be honest. I’m tired of being strong through every disappointment. I feel awful, but I’m tired of praying about it. I’m tired of begging for peace and understanding. I’m tired of the roller coaster. There’s got to be more to life than temporary highs.

I’m also tired of confiding these feelings in people and getting this response: “How old are you?!” Me, “25.” “Oh, you’re so young! You have you’re whole life ahead of you. Don’t worry!” Easier said than done. And in the words of The Script, “No wise words are gonna stop the bleeding.” The advice makes sense, but the feelings never flee.

So, yes, I feel like I’m having some kind of quarter-life crisis. I have no idea what to do with my life, or myself for that matter. I’m just stuck. I have no idea how to move forward or even what direction is the right one. I’ve never felt quite like this before. I’ve always had some kind of guidance, something whispering in my ear, some nagging intuition. Not this time. I suppose a quarter-life crisis is appropriate at 25. Ha.

I’ll leave you with some lyrics from another one of Sara Bareilles’ songs – “Let the Rain.”

I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time

I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down tonight

I hold on to worry so tight
It's safe in here right next to my heart
Who now shouts at the top of her voice
Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice

And I always felt it before
That the world was filled with much more
Than the drowning soul I've learned to be
I just need the rain to remind me

Back to the Drawing Board: What Makes a Person Worthy of Your Time

Yesterday I was talking to a friend about my latest experience in dating. His response to this one was, “It sounds like you dodged a bullet!” Then, he shared some of his own experiences before he met his wonderful wife. He articulated the feelings I have recently been experiencing. The basic principle is that

wordly achievements do not make a person a good person. 

Education has been a “wobbler” for me. I, in no way, require a Master’s Degree, or a Doctorate, etc. However, I have felt that a Bachelor’s degree is so basic that I should require that of someone I’m about to date. I suppose that I naively believed that going to college would mean that I’d be better understood. That my way of thinking would be better understood. And, that the massive amount of time and dedication I must spend on my studies in the law would be better understood.

The first truth is that education cannot be equated with intelligence. Being educated means you are formally educated. It does not mean you have street smarts or “life smarts” as I’ll call them. In fact, I’d almost argue that the more educated one is, the more stupid he is in life. Not necessarily, but may I offer the Sheldon character in “Big Bang Theory” or just take a look around at your fellow students, especially in a graduate degree program. Or take many attorneys, for example. Many have not the first clue about how to communicate with real people, the very people they represent.

The second truth is more of a half-truth. For the most part, your fellow students will understand the amount of time and dedication your education requires, and will empathize. Those are your friends. It doesn’t have to, but that understanding often changes when the dynamics of the relationship changes – when friends become lovers… or when you just hop straight to lovers (Oh, how I need to learn to develop a friendship first!).  I don’t know what it is, but we become irrational and less understanding when it comes to romantic relationships. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been bitched at because of my busy schedule. It’s funny because I really do believe that where there’s a will, there’s a way. So, my solution to this is to change what is under my control. I’ll give an example. In this last situation, our schedules were pretty conflicting. But, I thought, “Well, we seem to have everything we’ve been looking for and we really hit it off, so why should a little temporary scheduling get in the way of our happiness?” He worked weekend nights while I had weekends off. His Saturday was my and the rest of the world’s Monday. But, I had a little wiggle room with my schedule, so I accommodated us.  Where he found a conflict, I found the solution. And that worked, temporarily. Then, the complaining began… again.

This isn’t really all that new to me. I think just about every guy I’ve dated has bitched about my schedule instead of making the best of it. Looking back, I realize I’ve always been the one to put in that kind of effort. Perhaps, I should have been saying, “Fine. F**k off, dude.” And eventually, I do. I’ m just so full of determination in just about everything I do. I remember spending weeks trying to figure out how to go to Bali on my flight benefits when I worked for an airline. Every time I found a solution, I hit a huge roadblock. It was the evening before my vacation started, and I just couldn’t give up. I wanted Bali, damn it! At about 11 at night, I figured it out. I even have a photo documenting my extreme excitement of figuring it out. It was frustrating trying to figure it out, but when I was on the plane, I said to myself, “THIS makes it all worth it!”

I look crazy, but I was so happy! :-)

Oh, how I love my tangents! Moving on…. Other things I thought were good achievements that were “pluses", not requirements, were an established career, owning a home, owning a dog, etc. In my mind, I figured these were signs that he has his sh*t together, and wasn’t afraid of commitment. And, it certainly could be, but is not necessarily the case. I’ve learned this the hard way.

My point is that achievements - Degrees, home ownership, a great career, a nice car, the responsibility of pet ownership – DO NOT MAKE A PERSON GOOD -DO NOT MAKE A PERSON WORTH DATING – DO NOT GUARANTEE HE WILL TREAT YOU THE WAY YOU DESERVE. As I write this, I’m thinking, “DUH!” But, I completely overlooked this. I got caught up in what society tells us to look for in a person. Hell, the Millionaire Matchmaker told us to look for these things! Of course, a great career and happiness with it or multiple educational degrees could be an indicator that he/she will be dedicated to other things in life, including a relationship. But, it is definitely not a guarantee. It’s a very simple concept, but we tend to get caught up in the list of achievements rather than the person.

So, back to the drawing board. Personally, I don’t care if someone has gone to college or not… not anymore. It doesn’t mean that that person won’t understand me. And, I’ve had plenty of intellectual, “deep” conversations with the “formally uneducated.” And, I’ve also been told by law students that I have very “deep” thoughts (in a negative way). If I am to judge career choices, I would much rather date someone who has worked really hard, who is self-made than someone who has been handed everything and works at daddy’s firm. I’m just saying that I could have missed out on someone really awesome because I automatically dismissed him based on his career or education.

While my deal-breakers still include things that do not necessarily indicate a good person -Non-Christian, divorced, has kids  (and these things, besides religion, could change) – I’m now focusing more on personality traits, not achievements.

Family-oriented

Patient

Kind

Considerate

Similar Sense of Humor

Intellectual Curiousity

Dedicated

Confident (not cocky)

Emotionally mature

Good communicator

Honest

Trustworthy

Respectful

These are what makes a person GOOD, this is the kind of person worthy of your time.

Me, Myself, and I

Last time, the topic was about validation and self-esteem. I mentioned that we should be getting our self-esteem and validation from within. I also mentioned that even though I know this is the right direction, I’m a bit confused about how to develop more healthy sense of self-worth. But, here are a few idea I’ve come up with:

Stopping judging yourself! No one is perfect. Accept your perceived flaws. If acceptance is too hard right now, try focusing on what you already like about yourself. Your beautiful eyes. Your kind heart. Your dedication.

But, also admit your mistakes. Then, accept them. But more importantly, learn from them. There’s nothing you can do to change the past, but you can change how you think about it.

Do things that make you happy. I’ve said this a million times, but it’s important. Join a gym... and actually go. Start a dance class. Blog. Read in the sun. Whatever it is, just make sure you are doing it for yourself and like doing it, then DO IT! (Ha, I sound like a Nike commercial!) And remember that there’s always time for the important things. No excuses! Keep yourself accountable. Write these things down and put them in a place you’ll see them often like the fridge.

Help others and treat them with respect. I know this sounds like it has nothing to do with self-worth. But, it can feel really good to connect with others or know you made someone’s day go by just a little easier. Hold the door open for someone. Say, "Thank you." Call an old friend. Send a letter... yes, the mailbox kind. I bet someone would really like that. And, if someone treats you badly, kill them with kindness. Walk away knowing you were the best person you could be, and have no regrets.

Spend time with good people who make you feel good. Make "dates" with friends. I think one of the best things about dating is having something to look forward to at the end of the day/week. Instead of relying on dating for that, make dates with friends, and even yourself!

Date yourself! As some of you know from my earliest blogs, I had always wanted to go to a movie and dinner alone. And, I did just that. I’d also make a nice dinner, set the table, light candles, and pour a glass of wine. Who says only company is worth the nice dishes and wine glasses. Ha! Treat yourself how you would want to be treated in a good relationship.

If bad experiences in dating is where your self-esteem tends to crumble… Set your standards, and don’t lower them! Don’t compromise. I have a feeling I’ll expand on this in a later blog because I feel a lot of us are struggling with this nowadays.

Lastly, I’ll share some of my experiences lately:

One thing I’ve recently started is Bikram or hot yoga. Honestly, I hate the first 45 minutes (of 90) in class, but I feel so good afterwards. Some of you might know that I’m a bit of a hippy when it comes to freeing the mind (no drugs or free loving, though!).  This past Tuesday, I went to class first thing in the morning. The instructor said something that really struck a chord with me, “Let yourself grow. Let everything else go.” I don’t think it actually rhymed like that, but you get the point. They always remind us to let our stresses out through our breathing and that the next 90 minutes is about us. Also, I really don’t feel judged there either. I come in with my hair up, no makeup, and no pushup bra… and I don’t feel like anyone is saying, "OMG, look at her hair! She has a pimple! She could use a boob job!" It’s a great feeling, and I never thought I’d get that at a “fitness” class where people tend to be SO superficial. That same morning, out of nowhere, this girl asked if she could say something. She said that she challenged herself to a 30-day (regular) yoga challenge. She’s now done over 60 classes and says that she doesn’t need any of her anxiety or anti-depressant medications. I’m not 100% convinced that I’ll just be some new person. But, I do like the way I feel afterwards. Not to mention I use the time to be positive and focus on myself.

Another “hippy” thing I do is turn off all the lights and light a few candles. I may turn on soft music or not. I may stretch or pray or just sit quietly. I do whatever I feel I need to calm down from the day. And just for a while, in that moment, I’m at peace.

Dancing around to fun music is nothing new to me, but it’s something I’ve forgotten to do over the last few months. After a Bible study, I got home, put on some music, and made pizza. I miss that part of me.

Now, go celebrate yourself! Because you're awesome!

Can You Validate Me, Please?

The last few days and their events have really got me thinking about validation and how we get it… rather, WHO we get it from. For example, last night was Barrister’s Ball (aka Law School Prom), and my “date” and I couldn’t help but notice how a lot of the girls interact with guys on the dance floor. It’s classic: some girl shaking her ass in some guy’s junk. And girl, look at his face… he’s not smiling at you, he’s not even facing you! He’s smiling at your ass in his junk. It’s pretty impersonal.

Another example from last night: As I was sitting and talking to a friend at the after-party at The Park, I was watching this girl across from us. There were these two (creepy) dudes talking to her. One guy was making out with her at one point. The other guy just standing there staring at us (eventually asking if my very sparkly bracelet is real and if he could touch it to make sure… “No, foo!”). He then turns around and his buddy is now standing up, so this guy sits down with the girl and starts rubbing ALL over her leg. It doesn’t phase her. Then, the other guy starts making out with her. So, we’ve got one guy rubbing on her thighs and the other making out with her. I was in utter disgust. Is this really the “approval” you want? And, what the hell is wrong with these guys?! (Don't worry, I know some guys are not like that. Though, tell me where to find you!) ;-)

Back to the deeper issue: validation. Self-esteem is too often dictated by other people. And, usually by people who don’t even know us that well. Have you seen what teenage girls are doing these days? They are posting “Am I Ugly?” videos on YouTube. 

Example 1

Example 2

Not only do we allow strangers to control our self-esteem, but also people we allow to see deeper into our lives: boyfriends, girlfriends. Personally, this is the biggest issue for me. And perhaps, this cut runs a little deeper because we allow them to see more of who we are… the good and the bad. And, it burns when they reject us.

Personally, for one reason or another my “relationships” fizzle out fairly quickly. Like I’ve mentioned before, my only two serious relationships (spanning from a year to three and a half) ended because the guy cheated on me. Fine, it happens once. Totally sucks, his loss! But, twice? Really? Then, that’s followed by a series of very short “flings” spanning from two weeks to two months, which has been my path for about three years now. Some ended because I felt no spark. But more often than not, it’s been the guy ending it for whatever reason. I about drive myself crazy trying to figure out what it was about me that made them leave. Was it because I asked you to stir the rice? Was it because I don’t spend $300 on a pair of pants? Was it because I wouldn’t sleep with you? Was it because I was a “bitch” for calling you out on your shit? I don't get it because I'm, honestly, not controlling. I mean, if I'm not getting what I need or my gut feelings kick in, I'm going to say something. By the way, my gut has never been wrong. And, I'm fairly thoughtful. I have a "where there's a will, there's a way" attitude. I try not to sweat the small stuff. I just can't seem to figure it out.

As I was sitting on the couch writing my wonderful Real Property answer for BarBri review, I was “watching” TV. The movie “The Holiday” came on. And at one part I just stopped and listened. I couldn’t say it any better (afterall, it’s Hollywood writing this stuff), but I thought I’d share:

Listen, I know it’s hard to believe people when they say, ‘I know how you feel.’ But, I actually know how you feel. You see, I was actually seeing someone back in London. We work for the same newspaper. And then I found out he was also seeing this other girl, Sara, from the circulation department on the 19^th floor. It turned out that he wasn’t in love with me like I thought. What I’m trying to say is I understand feeling as small and insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside of you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get or gyms you join or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girl friends, you still go to bed every time going over every detail and wondering what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he could see the light and show up at your door.

The last few sentences are exactly how I’ve been feeling lately. It’s exactly how I feel often. Was my last post :::Wanted::: not about all this?! Anyway, in hindsight I don’t think I was as upset over this last one as I was over the frustrating cycle. The straw that broke the camel’s back as they say. We always hope that maybe, just maybe, this one will be different. After a while the constant disappointments add up, I break, and I begin to question myself more and more. The truth is I don’t want to be with any of these guys. They have issues I can’t do anything about. But, I want to know they know they screwed up and now regret it.  I want myself and my feelings validated! But, honestly I shouldn’t care about what a jerky guy thinks of me. They all have their own issues that have nothing to do with me. I actually think those issues stem from the need for being validated themselves.  

The bottom line is this- We really should be getting our validation from the person who knows us best: ourselves and/or God, if you so believe. You know every feeling you have. You are aware of every action you make. You are aware of every accomplishment. You know your heart better than anyone else, so why don’t YOU judge it?

If you can relate to this post, then it’s time to really focus on yourself. This is probably the hardest thing to do, and I think that’s why so many people stay in that “Validate me!” stage. Though the journey is long and hard, it will be rewarding. If you want something worthwhile, you’re going to have to put in the time and the effort. Know that you are wonderful and are worth the wait! 

I don't have all the answers, I just know that it's time to get off this sick cycle carousel. But, if it's any help, I'll next post what I think is helpful in trying to be content with yourself alone. And take heart, I'm right there with you trying to figure it all out myself. Until next time....

:::Wanted:::

Well, as most of you know my first attempt back into the dating world was a failure. Unfortunately, I’m getting fairly used to that. My skin is thicker, but still it burns the same. Anyway, I took a long drive today to clear my head, and it sparked this blog post.

Breakups are never easy. Some easier than others. A lot of that depends on your feelings for the other person and who did the breaking up. If you’re the person being broken up with or having to do the breaking up because of something irreparable (like cheating), then chances are it’s going to be a lot more difficult to get over the breakup. In these circumstances, it usually feels like you got hit by a bus. “Where the hell did that come from?” If you’re the other person, you probably saw it coming… you were already preparing.

So, how do we get over the heartache that accompanies a breakup? There’s a few ways we typically do this:

Alcohol. We drink a bottle of wine or go to a bar with friends and drink the night away.

Looking Good. Once we get past the moping around and sweatpants, we pay more attention to our appearance. Boy, do we love to workout after a breakup. And, women love changing their hair and whatnot. Reminds me of Jessie James’ “I Look So Good Without You.”  

Finding Someone Else. While out at the bar we look around hoping to find a welcoming smile. Or we make a profile on a dating site such as eHarmony or Match.

Unfortunately, I don’t think these things are the answer. After a bottle of wine or a night out drinking with friends, the drunkenness subsides and you find yourself in bed alone and sad. The new haircut, thinner waistline, and bigger muscles look great on you when you look in the mirror, but in an effort to change how you feel on the inside, you only managed to change the outside. You look different, but feel the same. And, that new flame quickly burns out leaving you in the same spot where you left off. Perhaps, even more frustrated.

You see, these are all quick fixes. It’s like airing up a tire with a hole. It’ll hold for a few miles, but eventually you’ll need to take the time and get a whole new tire. Completely inconvenient, I know. But, it’ll last you many, many more miles than a worn out one.

As hard as it is, I believe it’s better to take the road less traveled and spend time truly healing yourself. Not from just the last breakup, but from all those before it too. From all the negative feelings and hopelessness that have come with constantly striking out. After a while the pile wears on you, and you have to do something about it. The process is long and hard. I’ve been there. Hell, apparently, I’m still here! Remember my very first post about taking a dating sabbatical? I think it’s necessary in order to heal and remember who YOU are, what YOU want, and what YOU deserve.

And yes, it is hard, very hard. But nothing good comes easy. And can you truly give your new relationship a chance if you’re still trying to get over the last? When you give your heart away, it should be whole, not broken. My advice, which I’m trying my hardest to take is to take the time to enjoy things on your own again. For me as a Christian, that means doing what my “Letter From God” post stated (previous post). That means learning to be satisfied with God alone and all the things he’s already given me. Not looking at all my friends who are getting engaged, getting married, having kids, and wishing I had the same. Not looking back and asking, “What the hell happened?” But, instead, appreciating the supportive family I have, the job I have, the education I have, the friends who immediately make sure I’m okay and lend an ear,  and that I’m still breathing! For me, that also means finding someone with a real relationship with God. No one is perfect, but I want God to be the glue. I want a man who when I’m being difficult gets down on his knees and prays, “Lord, help me with this woman!”  Someone who doesn’t believe in mere coincidences, but in divine intervention. Maybe it's crazy, but I find this very attractive.

Not only must you prepare yourself, but the other person must be prepared as well. I suppose it’s not just about the person, but about timing. Ever heard the right person at the wrong time? I’m pretty sure the wrong person at the right time exists too. It’s like the theory about men being like taxis. “The theory is that when a man is ready for, or open to, the possibility of a relationship he turns his taxi light on. If you happen to be the girl that hails the cab (him) while the light is on, you've got a possibility of a decently long ride. But if you grab a cab with the light off, it doesn't really matter what you do, it's just not going to go anywhere.”

I suppose my other lesson is to be more guarded. Counterintuitive, right? I’ve often been told early on while dating that I have my guard up. I finally let it down with this last one, but it clearly didn’t make a difference. Instead, I walked away even more hurt. Two men recently told me they think that I should guard my heart a little more. At least, long enough to really know the person and whether I can really trust him. I checked my daily Bible verse today and it read, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Interesting! So, I suppose I have to keep a balance. Besides, if a guy truly cares and truly finds me amazing and truly respects me, he’ll be patient. And let me come out of my shell little by little. I imagine it like Beyoncé’s “Halo.” It even has a dachshund in the video!

That's my rant for today. More personal than usual, but fairly therapeutic nonetheless.

Letter From God

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God, to the Christian says, “No, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and content with living loved by Me alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, to have an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone. I love you, my child, and until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me – exclusive of any other desires and longing. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing – one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you. You keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things. Keep that satisfaction, knowing that I AM. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you; and you must wait.

 

Don’t be anxious, and don’t worry. Don’t look around at the things others have gotten or that I have given them. Don’t look at the things you think you want. Just keep looking off and away and up to Me, or you’ll miss what I have to show you.

And then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you would ever dream. You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready (I am working right this minute to have both of you ready at the same time), and until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I’ve prepared for you, you won’t be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this is the perfect love.

And, My dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and enjoy materially and sincerely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you Myself. I love you utterly. I AM God Almighty. Believe and be Satisfied.”

Is it Love or Lust?

I think we’ve all asked ourselves this question at one point or another.  Maybe in terms of a new relationship, “Could this be love?” Or perhaps, in retrospect, “Did he/she really love me?”

We’ve all been in that euphoric stage at the beginning stage of a relationship – the honeymoon. You meet for the first time and your eyes lock. Something is gravitating you toward this person. You talk for hours on end, and you seem to have so much in common. You might have even gone over that mental “checklist” in your head. Attractive, check. Loves dogs, check. Has a career, check. Loves his/her family, loves to travel, makes you laugh… check! check! check! Over the next few weeks, you go on a few wonderful dates, and each one leaves you wanting more and more. You start to walk around town smiling like a lunatic. You can’t believe how happy you are, and ask yourself, “Am I in love?”

Before you answer that question, I urge you to really think about the difference between love and lust. Perhaps, what we should be saying is “I lust you, baby!”

So, what is love?

Love is patient. The dictionary defines patience as, “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” So, patience means knowing when to hold your tongue when your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse pushes your buttons. Remaining calm when all you want to do is bop ‘em upside the head to knock some sense in! This is easier said than done. It’s quite natural to lash out at someone when he just said something hurtful. But, being impatient and dishing it right back only leads to more hurtful things. I don’t always “get a chance” to do this, but I try to reverse the situation: how would I feel if someone just said/did that to me? As hard as it is, show the person love by being patient and putting their feelings first.

Love is kind. This one isn’t hard to understand. We all know or should know how to be kind to one another. Say nice things. Don’t put each other down. Help out. Be thankful.

Love is truthful. I can’t stress how important this is in a relationship. How can you say you love someone yet lie to his/her face? I’m not saying you should respond, “Yes” when your girlfriend or wife asks if her jeans make her look fat. But, lying about where you’re going, etc. Even if it seems completely innocent the truth always surfaces, and you’ll have lost some of that trust. It’s better to be honest because chances are there’s a reason you’re lying about things, and that’s the bigger problem that needs to be addressed. So, this really goes to being honest about how you feel. So many times I’ve bottled up my negative feelings about a relationship. Overtime, I become bitter and resentful… never giving the relationship a real chance. Do yourself and your partner a favor, and be honest with one another. There’s always a tactful way to say something.

Love never fails. This is a hard one. The rate of divorce is so high these days. But, I’d like to think that true love never fails. It perseveres even in the toughest of times… when it’d be easier to give up. Talk to any old couple married for 40, 50, 60 years. Not everyday together was like walking on sunshine. My parents have been married for 35 years, and there have been times that I wondered if they’d be better off divorced. But, they cool down, apologize, and realize they’d be lost without each other (mostly my dad). Haha. Whatever the situation, love is unconditional.

So, what is lust? Rather, what is love not?

Love is not envious. I think envy and jealousy go hand-in-hand. In my own experience, this meant competition. When I’d accomplish something, the now-ex would one-up me, “Well, I did this!” This isn’t love. Love means being genuinely happy for someone when he/she achieves something. Spouses should be supportive, never tearing the other down. Remember, you’re a team! Act like it! Slap the other on the butt for a “good job!”

Love is not proud. Has your pride ever kept you from apologizing when you, honestly, knew you were wrong? Pride requires you to put yourself and your feelings above others. It makes you believe that you and your needs are of utmost importance. In a relationship, it’s important to be humble. To admit you don’t have all the answers, and that sometimes you are… wrong.

Love keeps no records of wrongs. Who hasn’t brought up something hurtful from the past? Kept a mental list of all the hurtful things someone said and kept it as ammo? I know I have. It’s human nature to shrivel up and be guarded when someone hurts you, and even return the heat. But, if love is to progress, we need to let this stuff go. Move on.

By now, some of you may have figured out where I got my inspiration. This kind of love is perfect love… and no one here is perfect. However, I believe the closer you are to these qualities I’ve used to describe love, the closer you are to real love. If you find yourself questioning whether you love someone or whether someone loves you, look at your relationship and ask yourself if it resembles this kind of love. If not, perhaps, “I lust you” is more appropriate.