Me, Myself, and I

Last time, the topic was about validation and self-esteem. I mentioned that we should be getting our self-esteem and validation from within. I also mentioned that even though I know this is the right direction, I’m a bit confused about how to develop more healthy sense of self-worth. But, here are a few idea I’ve come up with:

Stopping judging yourself! No one is perfect. Accept your perceived flaws. If acceptance is too hard right now, try focusing on what you already like about yourself. Your beautiful eyes. Your kind heart. Your dedication.

But, also admit your mistakes. Then, accept them. But more importantly, learn from them. There’s nothing you can do to change the past, but you can change how you think about it.

Do things that make you happy. I’ve said this a million times, but it’s important. Join a gym... and actually go. Start a dance class. Blog. Read in the sun. Whatever it is, just make sure you are doing it for yourself and like doing it, then DO IT! (Ha, I sound like a Nike commercial!) And remember that there’s always time for the important things. No excuses! Keep yourself accountable. Write these things down and put them in a place you’ll see them often like the fridge.

Help others and treat them with respect. I know this sounds like it has nothing to do with self-worth. But, it can feel really good to connect with others or know you made someone’s day go by just a little easier. Hold the door open for someone. Say, "Thank you." Call an old friend. Send a letter... yes, the mailbox kind. I bet someone would really like that. And, if someone treats you badly, kill them with kindness. Walk away knowing you were the best person you could be, and have no regrets.

Spend time with good people who make you feel good. Make "dates" with friends. I think one of the best things about dating is having something to look forward to at the end of the day/week. Instead of relying on dating for that, make dates with friends, and even yourself!

Date yourself! As some of you know from my earliest blogs, I had always wanted to go to a movie and dinner alone. And, I did just that. I’d also make a nice dinner, set the table, light candles, and pour a glass of wine. Who says only company is worth the nice dishes and wine glasses. Ha! Treat yourself how you would want to be treated in a good relationship.

If bad experiences in dating is where your self-esteem tends to crumble… Set your standards, and don’t lower them! Don’t compromise. I have a feeling I’ll expand on this in a later blog because I feel a lot of us are struggling with this nowadays.

Lastly, I’ll share some of my experiences lately:

One thing I’ve recently started is Bikram or hot yoga. Honestly, I hate the first 45 minutes (of 90) in class, but I feel so good afterwards. Some of you might know that I’m a bit of a hippy when it comes to freeing the mind (no drugs or free loving, though!).  This past Tuesday, I went to class first thing in the morning. The instructor said something that really struck a chord with me, “Let yourself grow. Let everything else go.” I don’t think it actually rhymed like that, but you get the point. They always remind us to let our stresses out through our breathing and that the next 90 minutes is about us. Also, I really don’t feel judged there either. I come in with my hair up, no makeup, and no pushup bra… and I don’t feel like anyone is saying, "OMG, look at her hair! She has a pimple! She could use a boob job!" It’s a great feeling, and I never thought I’d get that at a “fitness” class where people tend to be SO superficial. That same morning, out of nowhere, this girl asked if she could say something. She said that she challenged herself to a 30-day (regular) yoga challenge. She’s now done over 60 classes and says that she doesn’t need any of her anxiety or anti-depressant medications. I’m not 100% convinced that I’ll just be some new person. But, I do like the way I feel afterwards. Not to mention I use the time to be positive and focus on myself.

Another “hippy” thing I do is turn off all the lights and light a few candles. I may turn on soft music or not. I may stretch or pray or just sit quietly. I do whatever I feel I need to calm down from the day. And just for a while, in that moment, I’m at peace.

Dancing around to fun music is nothing new to me, but it’s something I’ve forgotten to do over the last few months. After a Bible study, I got home, put on some music, and made pizza. I miss that part of me.

Now, go celebrate yourself! Because you're awesome!

Can You Validate Me, Please?

The last few days and their events have really got me thinking about validation and how we get it… rather, WHO we get it from. For example, last night was Barrister’s Ball (aka Law School Prom), and my “date” and I couldn’t help but notice how a lot of the girls interact with guys on the dance floor. It’s classic: some girl shaking her ass in some guy’s junk. And girl, look at his face… he’s not smiling at you, he’s not even facing you! He’s smiling at your ass in his junk. It’s pretty impersonal.

Another example from last night: As I was sitting and talking to a friend at the after-party at The Park, I was watching this girl across from us. There were these two (creepy) dudes talking to her. One guy was making out with her at one point. The other guy just standing there staring at us (eventually asking if my very sparkly bracelet is real and if he could touch it to make sure… “No, foo!”). He then turns around and his buddy is now standing up, so this guy sits down with the girl and starts rubbing ALL over her leg. It doesn’t phase her. Then, the other guy starts making out with her. So, we’ve got one guy rubbing on her thighs and the other making out with her. I was in utter disgust. Is this really the “approval” you want? And, what the hell is wrong with these guys?! (Don't worry, I know some guys are not like that. Though, tell me where to find you!) ;-)

Back to the deeper issue: validation. Self-esteem is too often dictated by other people. And, usually by people who don’t even know us that well. Have you seen what teenage girls are doing these days? They are posting “Am I Ugly?” videos on YouTube. 

Example 1

Example 2

Not only do we allow strangers to control our self-esteem, but also people we allow to see deeper into our lives: boyfriends, girlfriends. Personally, this is the biggest issue for me. And perhaps, this cut runs a little deeper because we allow them to see more of who we are… the good and the bad. And, it burns when they reject us.

Personally, for one reason or another my “relationships” fizzle out fairly quickly. Like I’ve mentioned before, my only two serious relationships (spanning from a year to three and a half) ended because the guy cheated on me. Fine, it happens once. Totally sucks, his loss! But, twice? Really? Then, that’s followed by a series of very short “flings” spanning from two weeks to two months, which has been my path for about three years now. Some ended because I felt no spark. But more often than not, it’s been the guy ending it for whatever reason. I about drive myself crazy trying to figure out what it was about me that made them leave. Was it because I asked you to stir the rice? Was it because I don’t spend $300 on a pair of pants? Was it because I wouldn’t sleep with you? Was it because I was a “bitch” for calling you out on your shit? I don't get it because I'm, honestly, not controlling. I mean, if I'm not getting what I need or my gut feelings kick in, I'm going to say something. By the way, my gut has never been wrong. And, I'm fairly thoughtful. I have a "where there's a will, there's a way" attitude. I try not to sweat the small stuff. I just can't seem to figure it out.

As I was sitting on the couch writing my wonderful Real Property answer for BarBri review, I was “watching” TV. The movie “The Holiday” came on. And at one part I just stopped and listened. I couldn’t say it any better (afterall, it’s Hollywood writing this stuff), but I thought I’d share:

Listen, I know it’s hard to believe people when they say, ‘I know how you feel.’ But, I actually know how you feel. You see, I was actually seeing someone back in London. We work for the same newspaper. And then I found out he was also seeing this other girl, Sara, from the circulation department on the 19^th floor. It turned out that he wasn’t in love with me like I thought. What I’m trying to say is I understand feeling as small and insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside of you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get or gyms you join or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girl friends, you still go to bed every time going over every detail and wondering what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he could see the light and show up at your door.

The last few sentences are exactly how I’ve been feeling lately. It’s exactly how I feel often. Was my last post :::Wanted::: not about all this?! Anyway, in hindsight I don’t think I was as upset over this last one as I was over the frustrating cycle. The straw that broke the camel’s back as they say. We always hope that maybe, just maybe, this one will be different. After a while the constant disappointments add up, I break, and I begin to question myself more and more. The truth is I don’t want to be with any of these guys. They have issues I can’t do anything about. But, I want to know they know they screwed up and now regret it.  I want myself and my feelings validated! But, honestly I shouldn’t care about what a jerky guy thinks of me. They all have their own issues that have nothing to do with me. I actually think those issues stem from the need for being validated themselves.  

The bottom line is this- We really should be getting our validation from the person who knows us best: ourselves and/or God, if you so believe. You know every feeling you have. You are aware of every action you make. You are aware of every accomplishment. You know your heart better than anyone else, so why don’t YOU judge it?

If you can relate to this post, then it’s time to really focus on yourself. This is probably the hardest thing to do, and I think that’s why so many people stay in that “Validate me!” stage. Though the journey is long and hard, it will be rewarding. If you want something worthwhile, you’re going to have to put in the time and the effort. Know that you are wonderful and are worth the wait! 

I don't have all the answers, I just know that it's time to get off this sick cycle carousel. But, if it's any help, I'll next post what I think is helpful in trying to be content with yourself alone. And take heart, I'm right there with you trying to figure it all out myself. Until next time....

:::Wanted:::

Well, as most of you know my first attempt back into the dating world was a failure. Unfortunately, I’m getting fairly used to that. My skin is thicker, but still it burns the same. Anyway, I took a long drive today to clear my head, and it sparked this blog post.

Breakups are never easy. Some easier than others. A lot of that depends on your feelings for the other person and who did the breaking up. If you’re the person being broken up with or having to do the breaking up because of something irreparable (like cheating), then chances are it’s going to be a lot more difficult to get over the breakup. In these circumstances, it usually feels like you got hit by a bus. “Where the hell did that come from?” If you’re the other person, you probably saw it coming… you were already preparing.

So, how do we get over the heartache that accompanies a breakup? There’s a few ways we typically do this:

Alcohol. We drink a bottle of wine or go to a bar with friends and drink the night away.

Looking Good. Once we get past the moping around and sweatpants, we pay more attention to our appearance. Boy, do we love to workout after a breakup. And, women love changing their hair and whatnot. Reminds me of Jessie James’ “I Look So Good Without You.”  

Finding Someone Else. While out at the bar we look around hoping to find a welcoming smile. Or we make a profile on a dating site such as eHarmony or Match.

Unfortunately, I don’t think these things are the answer. After a bottle of wine or a night out drinking with friends, the drunkenness subsides and you find yourself in bed alone and sad. The new haircut, thinner waistline, and bigger muscles look great on you when you look in the mirror, but in an effort to change how you feel on the inside, you only managed to change the outside. You look different, but feel the same. And, that new flame quickly burns out leaving you in the same spot where you left off. Perhaps, even more frustrated.

You see, these are all quick fixes. It’s like airing up a tire with a hole. It’ll hold for a few miles, but eventually you’ll need to take the time and get a whole new tire. Completely inconvenient, I know. But, it’ll last you many, many more miles than a worn out one.

As hard as it is, I believe it’s better to take the road less traveled and spend time truly healing yourself. Not from just the last breakup, but from all those before it too. From all the negative feelings and hopelessness that have come with constantly striking out. After a while the pile wears on you, and you have to do something about it. The process is long and hard. I’ve been there. Hell, apparently, I’m still here! Remember my very first post about taking a dating sabbatical? I think it’s necessary in order to heal and remember who YOU are, what YOU want, and what YOU deserve.

And yes, it is hard, very hard. But nothing good comes easy. And can you truly give your new relationship a chance if you’re still trying to get over the last? When you give your heart away, it should be whole, not broken. My advice, which I’m trying my hardest to take is to take the time to enjoy things on your own again. For me as a Christian, that means doing what my “Letter From God” post stated (previous post). That means learning to be satisfied with God alone and all the things he’s already given me. Not looking at all my friends who are getting engaged, getting married, having kids, and wishing I had the same. Not looking back and asking, “What the hell happened?” But, instead, appreciating the supportive family I have, the job I have, the education I have, the friends who immediately make sure I’m okay and lend an ear,  and that I’m still breathing! For me, that also means finding someone with a real relationship with God. No one is perfect, but I want God to be the glue. I want a man who when I’m being difficult gets down on his knees and prays, “Lord, help me with this woman!”  Someone who doesn’t believe in mere coincidences, but in divine intervention. Maybe it's crazy, but I find this very attractive.

Not only must you prepare yourself, but the other person must be prepared as well. I suppose it’s not just about the person, but about timing. Ever heard the right person at the wrong time? I’m pretty sure the wrong person at the right time exists too. It’s like the theory about men being like taxis. “The theory is that when a man is ready for, or open to, the possibility of a relationship he turns his taxi light on. If you happen to be the girl that hails the cab (him) while the light is on, you've got a possibility of a decently long ride. But if you grab a cab with the light off, it doesn't really matter what you do, it's just not going to go anywhere.”

I suppose my other lesson is to be more guarded. Counterintuitive, right? I’ve often been told early on while dating that I have my guard up. I finally let it down with this last one, but it clearly didn’t make a difference. Instead, I walked away even more hurt. Two men recently told me they think that I should guard my heart a little more. At least, long enough to really know the person and whether I can really trust him. I checked my daily Bible verse today and it read, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Interesting! So, I suppose I have to keep a balance. Besides, if a guy truly cares and truly finds me amazing and truly respects me, he’ll be patient. And let me come out of my shell little by little. I imagine it like Beyoncé’s “Halo.” It even has a dachshund in the video!

That's my rant for today. More personal than usual, but fairly therapeutic nonetheless.

Letter From God

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God, to the Christian says, “No, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and content with living loved by Me alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, to have an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone. I love you, my child, and until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me – exclusive of any other desires and longing. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing – one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you. You keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things. Keep that satisfaction, knowing that I AM. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you; and you must wait.

 

Don’t be anxious, and don’t worry. Don’t look around at the things others have gotten or that I have given them. Don’t look at the things you think you want. Just keep looking off and away and up to Me, or you’ll miss what I have to show you.

And then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you would ever dream. You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready (I am working right this minute to have both of you ready at the same time), and until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I’ve prepared for you, you won’t be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this is the perfect love.

And, My dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and enjoy materially and sincerely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you Myself. I love you utterly. I AM God Almighty. Believe and be Satisfied.”

Is it Love or Lust?

I think we’ve all asked ourselves this question at one point or another.  Maybe in terms of a new relationship, “Could this be love?” Or perhaps, in retrospect, “Did he/she really love me?”

We’ve all been in that euphoric stage at the beginning stage of a relationship – the honeymoon. You meet for the first time and your eyes lock. Something is gravitating you toward this person. You talk for hours on end, and you seem to have so much in common. You might have even gone over that mental “checklist” in your head. Attractive, check. Loves dogs, check. Has a career, check. Loves his/her family, loves to travel, makes you laugh… check! check! check! Over the next few weeks, you go on a few wonderful dates, and each one leaves you wanting more and more. You start to walk around town smiling like a lunatic. You can’t believe how happy you are, and ask yourself, “Am I in love?”

Before you answer that question, I urge you to really think about the difference between love and lust. Perhaps, what we should be saying is “I lust you, baby!”

So, what is love?

Love is patient. The dictionary defines patience as, “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” So, patience means knowing when to hold your tongue when your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse pushes your buttons. Remaining calm when all you want to do is bop ‘em upside the head to knock some sense in! This is easier said than done. It’s quite natural to lash out at someone when he just said something hurtful. But, being impatient and dishing it right back only leads to more hurtful things. I don’t always “get a chance” to do this, but I try to reverse the situation: how would I feel if someone just said/did that to me? As hard as it is, show the person love by being patient and putting their feelings first.

Love is kind. This one isn’t hard to understand. We all know or should know how to be kind to one another. Say nice things. Don’t put each other down. Help out. Be thankful.

Love is truthful. I can’t stress how important this is in a relationship. How can you say you love someone yet lie to his/her face? I’m not saying you should respond, “Yes” when your girlfriend or wife asks if her jeans make her look fat. But, lying about where you’re going, etc. Even if it seems completely innocent the truth always surfaces, and you’ll have lost some of that trust. It’s better to be honest because chances are there’s a reason you’re lying about things, and that’s the bigger problem that needs to be addressed. So, this really goes to being honest about how you feel. So many times I’ve bottled up my negative feelings about a relationship. Overtime, I become bitter and resentful… never giving the relationship a real chance. Do yourself and your partner a favor, and be honest with one another. There’s always a tactful way to say something.

Love never fails. This is a hard one. The rate of divorce is so high these days. But, I’d like to think that true love never fails. It perseveres even in the toughest of times… when it’d be easier to give up. Talk to any old couple married for 40, 50, 60 years. Not everyday together was like walking on sunshine. My parents have been married for 35 years, and there have been times that I wondered if they’d be better off divorced. But, they cool down, apologize, and realize they’d be lost without each other (mostly my dad). Haha. Whatever the situation, love is unconditional.

So, what is lust? Rather, what is love not?

Love is not envious. I think envy and jealousy go hand-in-hand. In my own experience, this meant competition. When I’d accomplish something, the now-ex would one-up me, “Well, I did this!” This isn’t love. Love means being genuinely happy for someone when he/she achieves something. Spouses should be supportive, never tearing the other down. Remember, you’re a team! Act like it! Slap the other on the butt for a “good job!”

Love is not proud. Has your pride ever kept you from apologizing when you, honestly, knew you were wrong? Pride requires you to put yourself and your feelings above others. It makes you believe that you and your needs are of utmost importance. In a relationship, it’s important to be humble. To admit you don’t have all the answers, and that sometimes you are… wrong.

Love keeps no records of wrongs. Who hasn’t brought up something hurtful from the past? Kept a mental list of all the hurtful things someone said and kept it as ammo? I know I have. It’s human nature to shrivel up and be guarded when someone hurts you, and even return the heat. But, if love is to progress, we need to let this stuff go. Move on.

By now, some of you may have figured out where I got my inspiration. This kind of love is perfect love… and no one here is perfect. However, I believe the closer you are to these qualities I’ve used to describe love, the closer you are to real love. If you find yourself questioning whether you love someone or whether someone loves you, look at your relationship and ask yourself if it resembles this kind of love. If not, perhaps, “I lust you” is more appropriate.

Can Money Buy Happiness?

 Over the past month or so I’ve been thinking a lot about wealth and happiness. In my opinion, they are often at odds with each other. I recently stumbled upon an article about Americans and happiness. It came to the conclusion that America is the most wealthy and work-obsessed nation, yet one of the most unhappy nations. This notion came up again when I was watching an episode of “Bizarre Foods.” This episode featured Cambodia, a very poor nation, as we all know. At the end of the segment, the host stated that even though these people make very, very little (like $5 a day), they are the most welcoming, friendly, and happy people. I absolutely agree, and have experienced this first-hand.

As many of you know, my favorite travel destination is Southeast Asia. For one, it’s very accommodating to my student-budget. Two, it’s absolutely gorgeous and the weather is quite pleasant. But the people are also much more friendly and welcoming than Americans or Europeans. For example, we hired a taxi driver in Bali to drive us around the island for the day, and by the end of the trip he asked us to join him for his birthday later that night. I don’t think I can say that about any taxi drivers I’ve had on my American vacations. And you frequently see this in documentaries and stories like “Eat, Pray, Love.”  Though, completely “bankrupt,” these people are willing to share what little they do have with complete strangers.

Not only have I noticed their generous hearts despite having so little, I’ve also noticed their spirits. I remember one day in particular -men and women working in a rice field on a very, very hot and humid day. I go to take a picture, and they smile at me. Or another day in Thailand – we were stopped in traffic and a man riding his moped looks over and gives me a big smile. Caught that on camera too. Contrast that with another time I was in Thailand on a very remote area of an island. There was a white man, clearly a tourist, sitting on the beach reading. I thought it would be a great picture, so I snapped a shot as he read his book. I got a nasty glare in return, not a smile.  

Smilin' Thai Man

I know these stories have some underlying “wealth” to them. You have be wealthy and from an industrialized country to do so much traveling, right? Not quite. I worked for an airline part-time working about 12 to 15 hours per week at anywhere from $9.00-$11.50 an hour. Hardly anything to live on in America. But I got very discounted travel. Instead of spending a few hundred dollars on the newest iPhone or buying a car I couldn’t afford just to look cool, I saved my money to travel. I didn’t stay at resorts or fancy hotels. I stayed at modest accommodations. Some even having no running water, no air conditioning, and electricity for only a few hours a day. But those were probably some of the best times of my life.

Bungalow with no running water, a few hours of electricity, no a/c, and mosquito nets.

But this was the view I woke up to.

Anyway, back to America. Being in law school, I hear a lot of talk about wealth. It seems it’s everyone’s goal to make as much as possible. Don’t get me wrong, I need to pay off these crazy-ass loans I’ve accumulated too… But I’m finding that the question is never, “Is this the job or the area of law you want to do?”  or “Is this what’s going to make you happy?” Instead, it’s “How much money are you  going to make?”

As Americans we are so obsessed with accumulating wealth. Many of us say, “I work to live, not live to work.” Really?! I think we’re lying to ourselves.  And after all, actions speak louder than words. And by our actions, many of us live to work. I understand hard work and dedication. How can I not? I graduated from a top university, and well I haven’t been kicked out of law school yet. ;-) I’ve also worked since I was 16, sometimes 2 or 3 jobs at a time. I know what hard work, dedication, sleep deprivation, and insanity means. But my daddy also taught me what vacation means. Regardless of family finances, we always went on a summer vacation when I was growing up. Hell, we still do. Some vacations were more grand than others, but we always got away because… we deserved it!

So, do Americans think they don’t deserve vacations? No, I bet we think we’re more entitled to it than anyone. But Americans probably take the least amount of vacation than any other industrialized country. Get this! Some countries have a statutory minimum number of vacation days! Austria requires 25 days of vacation and has 13 public holidays. In fact, most European countries have a statutory minimum of 25 to 30 days of vacation… paid vacation. Other parts of the world have statutory minimums too such as Brazil, Singapore, South Korea, New Zealand, Taiwan, Hong Kong, and even Canada. Yes, vacation is mandated by law! And these are just minimums. But in America, a country “ahead” of many of those nations I just listed -No such thing exists. (Well, two weeks is typical if you work full-time, but it’s still well under the rest of the industrialized world).

If any of you have had the “luxury” of vacationing in Asia or other places where a lot of Europeans or Australians visit, you’ll be asked something like this, “How long are you in Bali?” Me: “Oh, just a week.” Vacationer: “Oh, a week in Bali. Then where to? Lombok? Thailand? Singapore?” Me: “No, just Bali.” Vacationer: “Oh, this is the end of your vacation? Where did you travel before?” Me: “No, no, this is it. Just Bali. For a week. Before Bali and after Bali, is home in the States. Back to work.” I’ve had a few of these conversations, and I seem to confuse these poor fellow vacationers. No one else but Americans seem to travel for such a short period of time.

Not only is vacation at the bottom of our priority lists, but so is health and family. Work always seems to come before family and health. Most of our waking hours are spent with our co-workers, not our family or friends. By the end of your 8, 9, 10,… 12 hour work-day, you’re tired… exhausted… maybe even a bit frustrated. And this is what the family gets – the left over time, the left over you. The leftovers. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like having leftovers five times a week.

What I’ve noticed about Europe and other areas of the world is that people just look happier. The couples seem to actually like each other and the parents are actually playing at the park with their kids. I often mention this to Europeans when I’m out traveling. I’m jealous at how they seem to have things in order. And a lot of them tell me that they don’t understand how Americans live the way they do, work the way they do. For many Europeans and others around the world, the motto is, “Work to live.”

To make matters worse, most Americans define themselves and others, by what they do for a living. One of the first questions someone new will ask you is “What do you do?” Though a vague question, we all know what it means. And immediately you’re judged. I imagine that “attorney” or “doctor” commands respect while “freelance writer” probably gains some, but less. And “plumber” gains the least of the four. But why? It probably has something to do with the wealth associated with it as well as education, but mostly wealth. Americans also define themselves and others by material possessions… by the car you drive, the house you live in, the latest gadgets you have… and ladies, the bags you carry, the sunglasses you hide behind, and the shoes on your feet. Again, we’re pointing to wealth.

But do these things make you happy? How much happiness does a pair of designer sunglasses give you? How much happiness does a nice, big house give you if you don’t spend much time in it? How much happiness does a law degree or the legal profession really bring? How many attorneys are truly happy? What do the dying regret the most when they look back at their lives? “I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” “I wish I didn't work so hard.” “I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.” “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.” “I wish that I had let myself be happier.”[1]

So, forgive me when I tell you I want to work to live. I want to make enough to pay off my loans and lively comfortably. I don’t want to be married to my work. I don’t want my phone to beep every moment I get an email. I don’t want fancy shoes or purses. I want a LIFE. Because at the end of the day, a job won’t keep me warm at night. Nor will my possessions. And at the end of my life, it won’t be there to keep me company. And besides, what good are money and possessions if I don’t have the time to enjoy them or I don’t have people in my life to enjoy them with? And honestly, I don’t enjoy going to school or working a lot of hours. It’s stressful. I take that stress home with me. Who doesn’t? It’s gotten so bad that I take all my stress out at night by clenching my teeth, then wake up every morning with a gnarly migraine. If this is my future, Lord, show me another way.

So, what do I want to do? I want to explore! There are too many sunsets I haven’t seen. Too many lands I haven’t explored. Too many cultures I haven’t experienced. Too many foods I haven’t tried! I want to learn from others. I want to help others. I want to spend time with my family and friends. Those are the things that make me happy. Those are the things that make up who I am.

I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with wealth itself, it’s the obsession with it. It’s the “I’ll do anything even sell my soul to obtain it” attitude that’s wrong. I’m sure everyone has heard this one time or another, that is, “Do what you love and the rest will follow.” Or “Do what you love, and the money will come.” Or take it from a Carnegie Mellon graduate who chose teaching yoga over law school, “When you’re doing the thing you’re supposed to be doing, the universe seems to make everything really easy.”[2] Or a Cornell economics professor, “The most important thing is to find something you like to do, because only then will you have the passion to get good at something.”[3] Very few of us take this advice. Instead, we find a profession or an area within a profession that will provide us with a large income and never ask ourselves, “Is this what I love?”

Again, I apologize for this not being a blog about dating. Instead, I challenge you to ask yourself a few questions honestly - What do you love? What makes you happy? If money wasn’t an object, what would your life look like?

Now, what do ya say? Let’s go chase it!

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[1] Bronnie, Ware. "Regrets of the Dying." Science of the Spirit. N.p., 2011. Web. 18 Dec 2011. <http://www.sott.net/articles/show/229764-Regrets-of-the-dying>.

[2] Gammello, Jenny. "Millennials: Entrepreneurship or Bust." Forbes. 05 Dec 2011: 126-130. Print.

[3] Id.

Coming Out

Yes, I'm coming out of the closet! But not in the sense you're thinking. This figure of speech has been a reoccurring theme in my life lately. Of course, you've  probably only heard this phrase used in the context of gays and lesbians no longer being ashamed of their sexuality. But a pastor of all people recently said, "We could all learn something from this gay and lesbian movement." While he meant it in the context of Christianity, I'm going to take it a step further and talk about it in the context of identity in general.

Coming out means you're no longer willing to hide your true identity. You are no longer ashamed of who you are. Every single one of us has things we hide from people... out of fear of rejection, lack of confidence, or because we've been broken and scarred. Regardless of the cause, we're unsure of how people will react. We're too afraid to be judged. What will he think? What will she think? What if I'm not the person everyone thinks I am? 

First, think about it in the physical sense. Ladies, do you wear makeup? Do you color your hair? What are we trying to hide? Perhaps, that imperfect skin or that hair color you perceive as boring. I'd really just like someone to think I'm just as beautiful in the morning without the makeup as I am at night with all the makeup.

Now let's look at the gym and working out. While I understand staying fit is a healthy life decision, it also sheds some light on what we think of ourselves. We not only go to the gym to be healthy, but also to change some things. Maybe we'd like a little more muscle and a little less jiggle. I'd say this plays a fairly big role for men, especially. I bet having those muscles makes you more confident when approaching a woman. I mean, wouldn't she be less interested if you didn't have those nice biceps? Would she leave you if you didn't look the way you do? I bet that's crossed a few people's minds. I was even asked in a relationship once if I'd stay if something tragic ever happened to him and he didn't look the way he did then or became paralyzed. What he was asking me was, "Do you accept me for me?" I bet you'd really just like to be accepted for who you are too.

That brings me to the more important stuff... what's on the inside. Unfortunately, we can't go to the store and buy some makeup to cover up that inner defect. It's not quite that easy. Instead, we choose not to share things about ourselves. Or sometimes we get defensive, and don't explain why. Either way we're hiding our true identity. We want to be perceived as perfect and happy. We're not perfect. We'll never be perfect. And we can't always be happy. Shit happens.

One thing that comes to mind is the front couples put on. Have you ever been shocked to see a seemingly happy couple get a divorce or breakup? "I had no idea! I thought they were happy!" We want to maintain the best outward appearance for people when on the inside we're actually crying out for help!

I wish we could all be a little more honest with each other. Stop judging one another. Who likes to be judged? Certainly, not me. And I bet you don't either. I'd even bet some of you are judging me this very moment. But instead of judging, I ask you to be a little more transparent.

How about this? I'll start. So, what are some things in my closet? One, I'm a Christian. That's not news to many of you. But I am fairly quiet about my beliefs. I don't feel it's necessary to preach to people. But I do believe in God and it is important to me. When good things happen in my life, I know why or who put them there. I know they are really just answered prayers. I don't often say that. Rather, I just share the good news. Sometimes, I'm afraid to share what I actually believe for fear of being judged by non-Christians. I really shouldn't be ashamed because my beliefs make me happy. I just want people to accept that I have these beliefs and not be so hostile about it.

Two, I'm hiding behind a mask of fear when it comes to dating. A lot of things in my life are where they should be. I feel like I have everything I need and pretty much want right now with one exception- I have no one to share it with. Again, I feel ashamed for feeling lonely sometimes. I feel ungrateful for wanting more, for asking for more. I feel people judge me as being desperate for wanting to be in relationship. And that mask of fear... I'm afraid that the next attempt at dating will be just like all the others. Honestly, I'm so tired of dating a guy for a few weeks, and it failing. I'm tired of meeting men who pressure me and don't respect "Let's wait and get to know each other." And I haven't been in an actual relationship in almost three years now. I've definitely done my share of dating, but I rarely feel a true spark. And I miss that spark. I miss being able to call someone and share my day with him. I miss being able to call someone to come over and watch a movie spur of the moment. So, yeah, I miss being in a relationship, and I'm afraid I won't meet a nice, God-fearing, educated, attractive, respectful guy. Bottom line, I just want to be respected, adored, and accepted for the crazy, quirky chick I am. And I want to feel in love again. I don't think that's all that crazy. It's human nature to want share your life with someone.

So, there. There's some transparency, some honesty. Now, what's hiding in your closet? What would you like people to truly accept about you?