Dark Horse

I just got back from Costa Rica, which was a-mazing! And, I was in desperate need of a vacation. It has been about 10 months since my last vacation, which was the last time I’d taken more than a paid day off from work. Instead of taking time off here and there, I save my time up to take at least one big vacation a year. First world problems, I know, but that doesn't mean there aren't serious consequences from overworking yourself. The combination of not taking bits of time off between vacations, allowing myself to feel guilty anytime I left the office before 6 p.m. (even though I’m usually at work by 7:45/8 a.m.), and just not taking care of myself physically and mentally definitely took its toll this winter.

What I love about taking a week or two off and getting the hell out of the country is the rejuvenating effect it has. The vacation high doesn’t last as long as it should, but I usually come back so much happier, confident, and energized. Vacations also give me time to reflect – sometimes those reflections bring about frustration and sadness, but in the end, I usually reach some kind of joy and inner peace.

The frustration and sadness came when I realized that even in a foreign country, I seem to embody something that causes me to become nearly invisible or looked over. Like having to ask three times for my first drink at a bar when everyone else was served immediately. Or, trying to participate in the group conversation only to be unheard. And, I know I don't speak in a quiet tone. My immediate family is loud since my dad has always had severe hearing loss. Or, someone bumping into me as they pass through a line I'm in - as if my being is completely transparent. Or, being cut off mid-sentence and completely changing the topic. I hate that! There were some other events that only added to the feeling that I won't get into. Eventually, I just get frustrated, say "fuck it," and go off by myself. Like the hour I spent walking along the moonlit beach listening to music with not another soul around. That alone time can be refreshing and reviving, but this time, it was a bit lonely and a cause for more over-analyzing.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't feeling this way all the time; but, I definitely had my moments. Especially, given how stressed out I've been and well, how lonely I had already been feeling. I think it occurred mostly at night. It reminds me of a song from Sara Bareilles, "I don't want to be alone. Sky, don't let the sun go. I'm not ready for darkness...."

This feeling pours over into my romantic life too. I'm not the girl who walks into a room and commands attention. I'm the girl in the group who fades into the background... that is, until you take the time to listen. The problem is that most people don't take the time to listen, so I'm usually background noise. And, by the time someone does listen, it's too late, and circumstances have changed.  

And, it's as though I can feel the surprise or sudden realization that I'm much more than what meets the eye. I often hear the words, "I didn't know you... [fill in the blank]," or "I didn't think you were that..." In other words, I'm so very underestimated. I assume it's because I don't throw out everything about myself right away. Instead, I'm multifaceted, and reveal one layer at a time. Someone on the trip offered some unsolicited, but appreciated insight into my lack of a love life... my feelings are probably not all that obvious. He said that if I had feelings for someone, they'd never know it. I do flirt, but I suppose I don't quite give a man enough attention. Oy! 

Then, there's the whole successful woman thing... someone on the trip actually laughed when I replied, "I'm an attorney" when asked what I do for a living. I'm not sure why that's funny. I highly doubt the reaction would have been the same had it been a guy my age. Another person suggested that "attorney" usually means makes a decent living and that could translate into assuming she'll try to manipulate a man 'cause that's how it tends to work when the roles are reversed. That's never crossed my mind. I think that being a financially independent woman should signal that she's into you for you, not your money or ability to provide financially. I'm not sure I can explain this issue more than this clip from Sex and the City, which hits close to home:

But, you see, the joy and inner peace came when I thought about my qualities and remembered, "Damn, I'm an awesome f*cking catch!" But, the vast majority of men want low hanging fruit - they don't want to put in much effort (tell any man this and I'd bet he'd disagree, but I'm right). In any event, I'm a bad-ass bitch, and baby, I'm coming at you like a dark horse. 

Man A, Man B, and Doubtfully Man C

So, it’s been about two months since I joined an online dating site. I’ve only met two guys in-person so far. There is just something about this round (sad that I can say that) that is extra daunting. Admittedly, I’m not very active on the site. But, I also feel that the quality of men have dwindled since the last time (two years ago).

So, Man A. Things seemed to be going really well. We went on three dates, and then I kinda got annoyed. There were a couple of other things with date three, but what took the cake was him being 30+ minutes late. I’m sitting in a wine bar excited about this third date, and when 15 minutes pass I have no idea what to do because it’s never happened to me. I guess there’s a first time for everything. About this time, he texted saying that he was sorry he was late, and that he had just left his house. Luckily, I had already started drinking without him, but it did nothing to ease my irritation.

I am lucky to have good friends who I can call on to help me figure out where to draw the line (thank you, Sarah!).  I drew my line at 25/30 minutes regardless of the fact that he had called, somewhat explained, and said he was on his way. Once 8:25 rolled around, I got up, paid my tab, and walked out the door. Just then, I saw him drive by (and, I’m pretty sure he saw me too). In any event, I kept walking… and I felt like a badass. As much as I wanted to hang out with him, I couldn’t let someone think it was okay to be that late. It’s completely unacceptable, especially in the beginning. I won’t get into the details, but we did end up on the third date. However, after talking more with him he started to sound like he was in his early 20s, not 30s. Plus, after the whole being late thing, neither of us were quite the same. Needless to say, we have not had a fourth date. By the way, I have this theory that if you make it past the third date, things are very likely to bloom into a relationship. Every guy I’ve had a fourth date with has become a boyfriend… though, some longer than others. 

So, I was also chatting with another guy who I recently went on a first date with – Man B (I only name those I've met in-person). He was a bit refreshing. He consistently kept in contact, and I didn’t ever really wonder if he was interested or not. I knew he was by our conversations. Anyway, we didn’t meet until about two weeks after we started talking. I left sort of… confused, maybe? The in-person chemistry and conversation didn’t match our behind-the-screen conversations, which was a disappointment. I’m still not completely sure how to feel about it, but it’s pretty much reaffirmed my belief that dating men around my age is a bad idea.

I’ve been described by others as an “old soul” or someone mentally older, even by those who have dated me. I’m also very analytical (Exhibit A – this blog). So, it really doesn’t surprise me that I feel this way. I have received a few messages that were clearly written by gentlemen (a rare occurrence). However, they always are divorcees with kids… sometimes several kids. I just don’t want to go down that road, but I don’t know… is that how I find the right guy? I mean, I’ve dated through the most social times of my life (college and law school), and I’m still very single. I really don’t see prospects getting any better. I’m at the age that people are getting married, having kids, and getting divorced. Statistically speaking, the odds are not in my favor.

I have one more month left on my subscription and I will not be renewing. I’ve seriously been considering a professional matchmaker. That probably sounds desperate to some of you just as online dating may be, but now that my life is in a groove, I’d kinda like someone to hang out with, share highs and lows, and a guaranteed travel buddy would be awesome.

Until next time….

"Are You Going to Walmart?" & "Do You Want Kids?"

Anyone who has entered the online dating world knows that you have to have a sense of humor, or it’ll eventually annoy the crap out of you. Well, even if you do have a good sense of humor, you find yourself saying, “What the fuck?!” often. It’s been a month, and I’ve hit that point. For example, this one guy, we’ll call him “The Texan”, didn’t receive a reply after a few messages. So, he sends me his phone number. I don’t reply or call or text. He messages, “I’m still waiting on that text.” I still don’t reply. Naturally, the next thing you might do is comment on one of my photos (a professional vintage-esque photo): “I'm interested to know the story behind the outifit...or were you just going to Walmart for the day?” I actually said, “What the fuck?” out loud, then started laughing. Obviously, he can’t handle subtle rejection.

Moving on... this other guy, we’ll call him… hell, I don’t know what to call him. I haven’t exactly encountered this before. The defensiveness of men, yes, absolutely. But, this guy just straight up asked me mid-message: "I was wondering do you want kids? I do want a family in the future." Then, sends another message saying that he’s sorry for being so blunt, but he doesn’t understand my profile selection of “Not Sure” when asked whether I want kids. I’m all for getting things out in the open, but I really had to step back and scratch my head.

What alarmed me most was that I somewhat got the impression from Man A that he was wondering about that too; though, he was way more subtle and I may just be reading into it. Side note: I had a third date with Man A, but I will save that for another time. Anyway, I feel like there's been this sudden shift in gender stereotypes, if that's even the right term. I mean, guys/men usually run the other way when they can smell “baby fever” on a woman. I didn’t think that would be the case when a woman is unsure of having kids.

Unlike a lot of women, I suppose, I don’t feel my biological clock ticking at 29, and I don’t get all crazy around babies. In fact, I’m not sure what to do with them, and I really don’t like other kids (with the exception of a niece or nephew surely, but I don’t have one). And, for the last year+ I’ve been single. I’ve enjoyed waking up whenever I want, not having to consider someone else, or ask someone else for “permission” to do something. After awhile of being single, you start to get used to this freedom, and it’s hard to imagine a man and a child all of a sudden.

Call me crazy, but I know that I do not want a child without a husband. I will not be visiting a sperm bank and parenting on my own. No, thank you! I just haven’t met anyone who makes me want to start a family. I don’t doubt that that could happen, and if I met the right guy and he wanted a family (with me in particular), I’d start a family. But, I just haven’t met him.

I guess I understand a bit of what men may feel when a woman has “baby fever”. Besides the whole “I still want a life thing, and I don’t even know if I like you yet” part, I don’t want to feel like a baby-maker… like I’m just an oven to incubate your little mini-you. I’ve somewhat felt that before, and even on men, it’s not attractive.

Sadly, in the back of my mind, I’ve wondered, “Do I change my status to ‘Someday’?”

Are We Gonna Do This or Not?

Well, well, well, what do you know, I posted something after almost a year. I suppose a quick update is in order. Since the last post, I left one job, began another more in line with my education (okay, completely in line with my education – this chick ended up at a law firm), and I moved back to Sacramento. In short, I’m happy with my job, I live comfortably and in the city I plan to settle down in, I love my neighborhood – I’m truly independent and ready for whatever is next.

As I mentioned in the last few posts over the course of a few years, I’ve felt really numb. As a result, I had little to no interest in dating. My last relationship ended well over a year ago, and until recently I hadn’t gone on a date for that same amount of time. I had opportunities, but just the idea felt like a serious inconvenience. Anyway, ever so slightly I’ve become more interested in dating. I had an unexpected, but nice conversation with someone who is so wrong for me; nonetheless, it suddenly reminded me how nice it can feel to share random thoughts with a man.

I’m not cured of the apathy, but I can feel some excitement here and there. Long story short, I decided to give online dating a try again… for the fifth-ish time. Oh, Lord, help me! I was somewhat excited to see what was out there after over two years of not looking. I recall from past experiences that it wasn’t an amazing process, but either I’ve gotten pickier or the pool has gotten crappier. See, I’m a quality over quantity type of gal. I suppose it’s nice to receive messages from numerous guys, but it’s a bit like finding a needle in a haystack.  I did, however, find one that has a lot of potential. Enter Man A (sound familiar?).

Man A and I have gone out on two dates so far, and he appears to be interested in me. I won’t bore you with the details because that’s not the point. The point is that I’m 20-fucking-9 years old, and want a gentleMAN. I hate playing guessing games, and I want a man who pursues what he wants… like right now. As much as I believe in gender equality, I also enjoy some of the gender roles when it comes to dating.

So all the annoying things that come with dating again brought me to read some of my older blog posts, and it’s funny because I actually started to feel empowered. I thought, “This chick is pretty awesome. She has some good points.” I was glad to be reminded of a somewhat painful reality – “If he isn’t pursuing you like he should, it’s because he doesn’t want to. A man who is really into a woman will pursue her.” And, I completely respect that. In fact, it’s kind of sexy… unless, he doesn’t know when to stop. Fine line, guys, fine line.

I don’t mean to sound arrogant, but I do think I’m a decent catch. Slight tangent – I’m watching Barbara Walters interview Amy Schumer and she’s talking about feeling good naked, “I take my clothes off, and am like, ‘You’re welcome.’” I like that woman! My point - let’s not apologize for being awesome! Moving along…. So, I’m educated, intelligent. I have a good, stable job. I don’t need anyone to take care of me; I can do that myself (that means I’m with you because I want to be with you… imagine that). I will admit when I’m wrong. And, I’m not bad-looking.

In any event, I have no patience when it comes to dating. My thoughts – “Let’s cut the crap. Are we doing this or not?”

Only in a Dream

So, it’s been awhile since my last post – a little over a year and a half. That’s just about the time I started my current job… hmm… interesting. I’ve noticed that during this time I have stopped doing a lot of the things that once added some joy in my life - this being one of them – so I’m trying to make it a point to take some time out for myself and write. Though, if circumstances remain the same, this will continue to be a challenge.

Anyhoo, with Valentine’s Day in view I thought this would be a good time to write about love… or the lack thereof.  I had this strange dream last week. Did you know that you forget 90% of your dreams within 10 minutes upon waking? Yet, here I am still thinking of this dream.

So, what was so special about this dream? It was the way I felt that is so memorable. The circumstances were strange, but I met this amazing dude who I just completely meshed with. It’s hard to explain the feeling. It was as though we understood each other after just a few moments of being introduced. We just somehow made sense. And, the more we talked, the more we knew that the connection was not one to be ignored.

I suppose the feeling is the one I expect when I listen to the song “First Time” by Lifehouse.

I'm feeling alive all over again
As deep as the sky under my skin
Like being in love, she said, for the first time
Maybe I'm wrong, I'm feeling right
Wherever I belong with you tonight
Like being in love to feel for the first time

It’s like that naïve, first love feeling. And, I can’t remember his face. I just remember that he was white, and I think he had light hair. I know it doesn’t necessarily mean anything, but apparently the only faces that appear in our dreams are ones we have seen before whether we realize it or not. I just find that interesting. I wonder who inspired this lovely character.

I suppose the reason I find this dream so memorable is that I haven’t had strong feelings for much of anything in a long time. As I mentioned in I'm back!, I was able to somehow compartmentalize my life beginning my last semester of law school. I did begin dating later on, but I often felt like something was missing and I could never put my finger on it – I only knew that it was something within me.

It’s been about two years since this “numb” feeling began, and I can’t say I’ve ever returned to my former self. At first, the numbness was amazing because I just let idiots rolls off my shoulder. But now, it’s kind of annoying. I mean, I don’t really feel sad or anything. I’m completely fine being single, and the thought of dating again makes me feel like this: 

Although it fades more and more, I hold onto that dream because it reminds me of how good it could feel to fall in love again.

Self-Sabotage: Am I Worth it?

There’s a phenomenon that goes something like this: You attract into your life what you believe you deserve. It’s called the Law of Attraction. I’m completely fascinated by the concept. I’ve watched a documentary about it called “The Secret” (it’s probably still available on Netflix). I’ve read a book about it called “The Power of Intention” by Dr. Wayne Dyer. And, I’ve read numerous articles about it, most recently “Self Love: The Key to Breaking the Fear Barrier to Feel Safe Enough Love”.

The book and documentary talk about the law of attraction in a positive way. They both suggest that you can manifest just about anything into your life by your thoughts alone. Sounds a little kooky, right? The latest article I read doesn’t quite have the same message, but I believe it’s all connected. The article talks about “self-sabotage”. Well, the author actually denies that it’s self-sabotage, but more of the subconscious’ misguided way of protecting against a perceived threat. But, I’m still going to call it self-sabotage.

The subconscious “learns” things as we go through life. It tries to make sense of everything. It remembers how you felt when you first rode a bike, how your first kiss felt and all the breakups afterward, the millions of times you wanted to quit law school… you get the picture. So, if you’ve had particularly bad experiences in one area of your life, your subconscious will make you do what it needs you to do to get rid of the perceived threat so it doesn’t have to experience those negative feelings again. The crappy part is that you don’t even know you’re doing it… well, not usually until it’s too late.

So, what does this have to do with anything? Well, for me, I think it has a lot to do with my career and love life. I’ll start with my career. Now, I’m not trying to be boastful as this is purely illustrative. I graduated from UC Berkeley, an amazing school. I graduated from law school, something few people can do. And, I passed the CA Bar, arguably the hardest professional exam in the country (well, that’s what the letter said from the CA Bar people). I’m elated about the whole Bar thing. I will never forget the moment I found out. But, I think I triple checked the website for about three days just to make sure it was real. I’m still in a bit of shock. But, I shouldn’t be in that much shock. I mean, I graduated from an ABA accredited school, I took a commercial prep course, I followed the plan, and studied hard. I know my friends and family “knew” I’d pass, but I wasn’t so convinced. I had actually started planning for the next round of hell (I did the same thing for the MPRE). Don’t get me wrong. It’s a super hard exam and is probably the worst thing I’ve had to do. My whole point is that I lack confidence (I’m just lucky that self-sabotage didn’t get ahold of it... this time).

Where I think self-sabotage is starting to show up is in my search of a job. Well, not just a J-O-B, but, the beginning of my career! How exciting it is for me to say that. It’s also very frightening. Though, I’m still not convinced I want to actually practice law, I (consciously) know I’m probably just as prepared as the next guy who just got out of law school. Besides, law school doesn’t actually teach you how to practice law. Strange, ain’t it? But true. Yet, I am terrified to apply for an entry-level attorney position. Yes, there are openings for entry-level attorneys who have ZERO experience and I have not yet applied.

I think this is a form of self-sabotage. I can identify at least one experience that may be causing this fear. And, it’s rather ridiculous. I can completely (consciously) rationalize why the experience is not what should have happened and is not what is ordinary. I have friends who tell me that every new attorney will make a million mistakes for a while. It’s expected. How can you magically know how to do something you were never trained to do? It makes complete sense, consciously. But, I think my subconscious gets in the way. It’ll find a way, an excuse, to not pursue the lead.

As far as dating goes, my fear is more clear to me. If you’ve been reading my blog, you know I haven’t have the best experiences in dating. I’m rarely attracted to the decent guys, and I get hurt by the attractive, but not so decent guys. It’s probably the most common problem among us ladies. However, I don’t think I could date someone I’m not attracted to… isn’t that just called a friend? I had to throw that out there because I know some women who admittedly settled because the guy was safe or could financially take care of her, and tell me it's the only way to go. But, I’m a hopeless romantic. I want LOVE. I want PASSION. And, perhaps that will be the death of me.

Anyhoo, I’m back on a dating website again (a paid one this time because I just think the quality is better).  I find myself actually trying to find something wrong with the guy so I won’t have to write him back. Some things are legit (in my opinion, of course) like lives too far away (how would that ever work?), looks ghetto (No, foo!), is younger (how will we ever be on the same page), just wants to hook up (real classy, man), writes impersonal and stupid messages (who is going to reply to that?!), etc. Other things I think are legit, but I fear others would disagree are certain professions like pilots, cops, firemen, probably military too, bartenders, personal trainers (they have the highest rate of infidelity, also been there, done that); kids (relationships with one person is hard enough and I don’t need baby mama drama); weird facial hair (what is that on your face?); looks too strange in his pictures (mmm, not attracted), is way too hot for me (he’ll figure it out and stray).

And, when I do actually write back, I dread the next step… chatting on the phone and meeting. It’s just awkward. It’s not the same as meeting someone in person through friends or whatnot. It’s less natural. I still do it because I do not see myself finding someone in the usual ways.

Long story short, I think I avoid these things… these new beginnings that could lead to independence and happiness all because I’ve been burned in the past... or maybe I subconsciously don't think I'm worthy of it. I’m well aware of most of this damning behavior. I just don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to be BRAVE.

I'm back!

Wow. It’s been quite a few months since I’ve written anything on here. But, I’m happy to say that law school is officially behind me, and I’ve taken the CA Bar Exam (hopefully, that’s behind me too).  To celebrate, I went to Kauai. It was definitely a source of inspiration for this blog in many ways. Unfortunately, I have a hard time keeping inspiration, so I’m just going to write since I’ve missed blogging. Please forgive the stream of consciousness that I so dearly love.

So, as most of you know, while I was wrapping up law school and studying for the Bar I was somehow able to compartmentalize my life. My love life was neatly placed in a drawer, and it hasn’t really been touched since. I think it was the first time in my life I was able to really just push everything else aside. It was probably more out of survival than anything else, though. There were a few random moments of interest, but nothing all that exciting.

Tangent: Do you ever notice that exes contact you when you’re just fine and doing your own thing? About twice a year, I’ll get 2-3 randomly contact me all within about a week of each other. So, bizarre. Makes me want to believe more in vibes or karma or whatever it is you call it.

Anyway, I feel like that part of my life is starting to creep out of that drawer. The logical side of me wants to put a damn lock on it. Sure, I’ve finished law school and am so close to starting my career (hopefully). This is the time I’ve been waiting for. BUT, I’ve move backwards a bit. Since the last post, I’ve moved back to my parents’ house. I loved living solo, and it’s really hard for me to accept that I’m 26, have two degrees, and still live with my parents. I’m so ready to start my life already! Except that whole paying off a mortgage’s worth of student debt thing. That I can wait for. With that said, the logical part of me thinks I should continue to evade dating until I’ve moved out of this damn little town and really begun to live my life.

However, is there really a good time to start something? I read an article on a similar topic recently – having kids. Is there really a good time have kids? After you finish school? But, after school, don’t you want to start your career? When is it a good time to put your career on hold? So, like kids, I don’t think there’s actually a good time to start dating in relation to your career. Sure, I’ll have a better idea where I’ll be settling down when I land that first full-time permanent position. But, interests change, companies layoff, promotions happen, unexpected opportunities arise, so there really is no guarantee that a year from now you’ll be settled in the same place.

Logic aside, I feel like some Spring lovin’ would be fun. Today I was driving around with the windows down, the sun beaming on me through the open moon roof, and then Luke Bryan’s “Drunk on You” comes on.

I just can’t resist being around a man, a five o’clock shadow, decent arms, and a warm evening. Yum! That song just drives me crazy! Yep, that would be some pent up frustration. But, hey, with the amount of stress studying for the Bar gives a person, I’d be surprised if I was the only one.

Alright, well, I better get ready for some bowling. I’m so ready to let my hair down after all these years of crazy stress! Next time, I’ll try to tap into that more meaningful inspiration that I seem to have lost.

The Call of Fall

It’s that time of year. The leaves begin to change into vibrant hues of orange and gold. The temperature subtly drops, and the smell of rain is in the air. The days become a little shorter and the nights, a little longer. Yes, my friends, the call of Fall is upon me.

I suppose my moods change with the seasons themselves. After a cold, cloudy Winter, I find myself smiling while driving down the highway at the warmth of sun upon my skin. As Summer approaches, all I want to do is have some fun in the sun. But, as Fall and Winter approach, I find myself feeling more passionate… and tempted toward love.

But, love is the last thing I need right now. I only have a few more weeks of classes, which means finals are fast-approaching. Not to mention, after finals, I have to study for the Bar like a full-time job, but worse – 8+ hours a day, 7 days a week, for about 2 ½ months straight. Adding love to the picture sounds to me like a recipe for disaster – unless, of course, he’s extremely patient, kind, and supportive. But, experience tells me, “Keep dreaming, sister!”

Practicality aside, I find something tugging at my heartstrings in these months. I just feel more in tune with my emotional needs. It’s a sensual, passionate kind of emotion. Not necessarily a want for the very beginning stages of a relationship – but the part where it’s still somewhat new, though you know each other well and feel comfortable. An affectionate stare. Slow, passionate kisses. Being held just tightly enough that your bodies fit perfectly together like a glove clothes a hand. The need of no words, only chemistry.

And, I’m not talking about hot, primal sex either (though, that probably sounds like that’s where I’m headed). It’s that feeling you get as a result of mirror neurons when watching a romantic movie. Or listening to a song like Edwin McCain’s “I Could Not Ask For More”.

Lying here with you
Listening to the rain
Smiling just to see the smile upon your face
These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I found all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

It’s no wonder that the vast majority of my relationships have begun in the Fall or Winter. I blame the change of seasons for the sudden surge of emotion. But, for now, it is all it can be – an irrational longing… because, well, the heart isn’t rational, now, is it?

An Unexpected Date and a New Rule

As you may remember per my last post in August, dating is on hold. But, unfortunately, the world doesn’t revolve around me.

So, a few weeks ago, I received an email from a guy who I met online in the summer. We never met because we live about two hours apart. But since we enjoyed talking to one another, we exchanged email addresses. Anyhoo, it just so happened that he would to be in town for work. At first, I already had plans. But, as the date got closer (points for him for giving me a proper head’s up), my plans fell through and I thought, “What the heck… why not?”

Sounds innocent enough, right? As a result, I’m expanding and elaborating on Rule 3: Let the Man Take the Lead (see A Dating Experiment: Me as the Guinea Pig). Anyway, we were to meet where he’d be working, which was about 25 miles away from my house and at a time that was earlier than I would have liked. When I got there, the parking was a mess. Long story short, I told him it’d be better to meet up another time.

Mistake 1: Getting up earlier than I would have normally. Since I’ve been unemployed, I’ve been more of a night owl and well, I’ve never liked waking up early... unless, it’s going to the airport to go on a trip. And, I know, a “date” in the morning? Try to forget about that part.

Mistake 2: Driving 25 miles to meet.

Right move 1: Deciding I was not about to pay $10 for parking, and telling him it’d be better to meet up another time.

To some, I just sound inflexible and cheap. But, dig a litter deeper - having to set my alarm on a Saturday morning for a guy I don’t know and driving 25 miles to meet up says DOORMAT. Luckily, I already had it in my mind that if I couldn't find convenient parking, I wouldn't put any more effort into it. Besides, shouldn’t the guy be shelling out the money on the first “date”? Yeah, you heard me right. It’s 2012 and the guy still pays for dinner... or coffee or whatever.

Sidenote: a lesson to the guys out there, the correct thing to do would have been to meet me halfway… or at least, at a nearby coffee shop. I’m not necessarily mad at him for not “reading my mind” on this… I know he was there for work, but I am mad at myself for going out of my way for someone I don’t really know.

So, my elaboration on Rule 3 is this - letting him take the lead also means letting him come to you… literally. Most guys I know who really like a girl will be mindful enough of her preferences – whether there’s a certain restaurant she might like, where she wants to meet, whether it’d be okay if he picks her up. The answers don’t matter. She could want to swing at some golf balls and eat burgers or  go to a fancy restaurant (though, I’d choose the former most of the time). The point is that he’s giving her options and being accommodating (since he was the one who asked her out a.k.a. being a man).

This also leads me to a new rule:

Rule 12: Let a First Date be Date

These circumstances sounded like a good opportunity to meet, but the proper response would have been, “That’s great that you’ll be in town. If I’m not busy after you’re finished with work, we should meet up.” Simply getting across that you’re not a convenience and would like a proper date.

Please Hold

Since the last post, I went on one other date, planned another with a new guy, cancelled that date, and rejected two second dates.

So, Man D, was it? Upon meeting him, I immediately wasn’t feeling the attraction. I feel so awful when that happens. It makes me feel a bit superficial, but hey, if you’re ever going to procreate, the thought of jumping his bones has got to cross your mind at some point. I’ve definitely dated purely for personality in the past. Let me tell ya, it doesn’t work. You have to feel some kind of attraction toward the person if you want any hope of a future. To me, that doesn’t mean he has to have a six-pack or ocean blue eyes. After all, attraction comes in many forms. But, Man D, I just wasn’t feelin’ it.

About the same time, Man C asked me out again, and I declined. See, I have no problem finding crazy, insecure, or jerky men. The confident, attractive, supportive, God-fearing men… I’m convinced that there’s sign on my forehead that reads, “Normal men need not apply!”

And, remember Man A? Well, he’s texted me twice now. In the first text, he apologized for it being a while since he had made contact and said that a lot had been going on, and hoped I was doing well. After receiving no response from me, he texted last night stating that he felt he owed me an explanation. My first thought, “You mean, had I replied you weren’t going to tell me the truth?” Anyway, he logically explained that he fell off the face of the earth because an ex he had once wanted to marry came back into his life after our last date. But rest assured, she’s gone! Because he found out she was sleeping with one of his friends. And, now he has one less friend too. But, he totally understands if I have already moved on.

So, my second thoughts? “Oh, baby! I’m so glad you’re back. Yes, even after you ran back to your ex who, according to you, has a lot of psychological issues. I just love taking second place, especially when someone choses me only after he finds out his ex was screwing his friend. That's when I feel the most special.” I was busting up laughing when I read his text. “Oh, and by the way, I’m so glad you’re 30 and use text to explain your crazy-ass drama to a girl you still want to have something to do with.”

The most irritating thing is being lied to. I mean, don’t tell me you aren’t seeing other girls and are only pursuing me, then use excuses as to why you go incommunicado as an attempt to keep me as a backup. Have some respect, dude. Here’s a very critical piece of truth, ladies: if he’s not pursuing you, it’s because he doesn’t want to. It’s quite simple. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again - NOTHING will stand in a man’s way when he genuinely likes a woman.

My response to this experiment thus far is that it does make it easier to distinguish the decent men from the losers. As I said in the last post, it’s also helped to reinforce the respect I have for myself. I can’t tell you how good it feels to patiently wait for a man to prove himself… or disprove himself. How good it feels to NOT to throw all common sense aside and dive into a “relationship” with someone you don’t know. It feels so good to leave someone knowing I made no mistakes of my own and stuck to my convictions. It's very empowering.

So, I decided that the online thing has ran its course for now. In 4 months, I graduate law school. In 6 months, I take the Bar Exam.  I don’t need to take on the risk of dating drama during such an important time in my life. So, for now, I’m putting dating on hold.

Man C and Sailing

So, this was the first date with Man C. We planned on sailing, but once we got there, there was pretty much no wind. So, we kayaked instead.

As far as following the rules go, I did pretty well except we did touch on subjects every now and then concerning past dating experiences. I find this incredibly hard to avoid because it usually comes as a follow-up example to a statement. For example, we were talking about work and the time it takes away from the rest of your life. He mentioned he had dated a doctor and never wanted to date one again. Then, sorta explained it. That kind of thing. It's so hard to get around. We're on a date, and we've been shaped into who we are now by our past dating experiences. So, that's something I still need to work on.

On that note, I sorta added another rule, but it’s a minor one. I really think it’s important to avoid being half naked early on in the dating process. And, I’ve seen Patti Stanger on Millionaire Matchmaker scold a guy for taking a girl on a first date where she was required to wear a swimsuit, so I’m not making this up. The idea behind it is that you’re letting the guy check out the goods before making a purchase.  So, sailing, kayaking… it calls for swimsuits! As hot as I was I kept my shirt and shorts on when we left the dock. I did decide to take off my shorts later because I had to go somewhere after and they were getting wet (poor planning on my part). Overall, I stayed as clothed as possible under the circumstances. I know the saying goes that a man falls in love through his eyes, but I really don’t think he needs a half naked body – that’s probably going to give him a boner, not make him fall in love. Let’s be real!

So, how did the date go? Okay, so he’s got a nice car, no doubt. I think a Porsche, if I remember correctly. “But, that don’t impress me much. So you got the CAR, but have you got the touch?” Probably not. I wasn’t really feeling it. He used the words "fat" and "ugly" to describe people including random passerbys. Personally, I prefer euphemisms. I’m not saying those words don’t cross my mind, but there’s probably a more tactful way to go about it, especially when you really don’t know the other person. Ironically enough, I find people who consistently describe others in those terms to have very low self-esteem. On the flip side, power to ya for being yourself – it makes my job a lot easier in deciding whether I’d want another date.

With that said, surprisingly, we were out on the water for a few hours. I know not everyone is perfect, so I put my happy face on and made conversation. I do give him credit for bringing an ice chest and snacks. And, he wasn’t awful. We talked for a long time and I wasn't bored. I just didn’t get butterflies. I just didn’t feel that “click”.

Once I got in my car, I thought FOR SURE he was not going to contact me again. I thought, “If I’m not really feeling it, how could he?” To my surprise, I received a text from him telling me he had a good time and would like to take me out again. Isn’t it interesting how that works? Girl really likes boy, boy sorta likes girl and doesn’t pursue much. Girl doesn’t like boy, boy really likes girl and pursues her. Grrrr! When, oh, when will the planets align?

I'm slightly inclined to give people the benefit of the doubt and try for a second date, but it'll just depend on how I'm feeling that day. Lately, I've found dating to be much less exciting than it should be. Maybe I'm just more realistic. :-) 

Overall, I feel like I’m becoming a lot more confident about my beliefs, my opinions… myself in general. And also, more nonchalant about this whole dating thing. Regardless of whether any of these guys “work out”, I’m learning what works and what doesn’t… what I can handle and what I can’t… which will ultimately lead me to much better relationships. No one has really had the whole package yet, but some have come sorta close, I suppose. But, I'm still young, and I still think I deserve the whole package.

Next up... date with Man D.

Man A, Date 3

So, I did this whole no initiating contact thing, and Man A did eventually contact me again and asked for a third date… on a Saturday! YeeHa! The rules are working, right?! Well, that feeling of victory was short-lived. He somehow totally forgot his dad’s birthday and had to cancel.

Anyway, eventually we went on that third date… on a Thursday (meh). It went pretty well, and even ended in some kisses. ;-) He said he’d call, but he just texted something really short the next day. Patti Stanger says something like, "Phone calls make the man, texting make the boy, and emails make him a phantom." Good point, Patti!

After dealing with this guy, I completely appreciate a guy’s calls from the recent past. At the time, I wasn’t able to chat on the phone much and often missed calls. But now that I have more free time and have been dating different people, I totally appreciate the phone calls. It’s a little awkward when you don’t know someone too well, but once you’ve been on a few dates, it’s nice to get an old-fashioned call from a boy. ;-) By doing this, he says, “I am making an effort, and right now my attention is all yours.”

So, my conclusion with Man A is this- I’m done. Let’s face it; he’s just not that into me… or at least not for the right reasons. If a man really likes a woman, he’ll make time for her. Obstacles do not stand in a man’s way when he really likes a woman. One of my friends told me her then boyfriend, now husband made several five hour drives from the Central Valley to LA just to see her for a couple of days… just because he missed her. 

“Some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.” And I, I refuse to settle!

So, what valuable information have I learned from this experience? Well, first I’ve been surprisingly less anxious about it than usual. It kinda sucks to be subtly rejected if that’s what you want to call it, but a part of me really doesn’t care. So, I’m learning to be less anxious; I’m getting used to the feeling; my skin's getting thicker. I think that’s a good thing.

Second, you really have to watch what men say to you. And, I know this! But I tend to want to believe them when they say they are ready to get into a relationship. Though, I know a man will say ANYTHING to make you “fall in love” with him so you’ll ultimately sleep with him. I’m finally not as quick to believe ‘em. I took this one really slow, and I believe his true colors began to show before I could make any of my own mistakes. Some red flags (which I should have ran when I seen) were: he's 30 and hasn’t been in a relationship for longer than 6 months or a year (I’m still confused about that one), has had way more sexual partners than I’d like a guy to have, and asked me to stay the night on the third date (hm… I wonder if he just wanted a snuggle buddy for the night… ahahahaha- and, no, he didn't get one, I went home).

Regardless, I’m a little bit stronger and smarter. Next up, is the first date with Man C, which will involve sailing....

Man A, Man B

I forgot a rule- and a pretty important one.

RULE 11: Do Not Accept Last-Minute Dates

·      A man should respect you… and your time.  I know, men aren’t planners. But, you’ll notice that during any good summer love or in any good relationship you’ve had, the man wants to be around you more and more. Some time during the week, he’ll ask you what your plans are for the weekend – NOT It’s 5 o’clock on Friday and you get a text saying, “Hey, wanna meet up tonight?” That’s fine after you’re exclusive, but you’re not a doormat who is ready to hang out at the drop of a hat. Besides, you already have plans, silly!

·      Personally, this can be difficult because I’m fairly spontaneous. But at the same time, I like to have an idea of what my weekend looks like ahead of time – the anticipation of a good date can get me through the workweek. Not to mention, I won't take a backseat. I'm not your backup plans, buddy.

I know these rules can sound harsh. But just remember that things slightly change when you two decide to become “official.” Of course, you can initiate phone calls to your boyfriend or do something last-minute.

As for my progress, I went on a date this week. We’ll call him Man B. I followed Rule 2 (Honor Your Dating Commitments). I didn’t really feel like going on this date, but I’m not a flake. He was nice, but I could tell immediately that I wasn’t clicking with him. I feel bad too because he asked me out tonight. Oh, look! I got a Saturday night date… with the wrong dude. Story of my life. Anyway, I had to decline: ONE, because it was last minute- he asked me out this afternoon; TWO, I know I’m not interested and do not want to go out with someone just for sake of having something to do. Damn you, morals!

Man A. Well, still no mention of a date. He did let me know that he’s busy over the next few weekends, but that he’s interested in seeing only me. I’m really not sure what to think (honest or BS?). Usually, the dates start to pick up by now or the communication picks up... at the least.  I mean, I also know what busy means and have still managed to make time for a new crush even if it wasn’t a Friday, Saturday or Sunday… like my last “relationship” – but look how that turned out for me. Ha! ...Meh. It is what it is. I’d like to see him again and learn more about him, but I’m just going to go on about my life. No sense in wasting energy on it.

Regardless of how things end, I always try to look at something positive I got from the experience. Man A – I feel like we’re equally yoked, which is so important to me… so, he’s able to encourage me through the trials and tribulations that come with being a Christian. I like that he’s able to play the role the Bible asks of a man – the role of spiritual leader. So, with him I became more aware that my relationship with Christ is just that – a relationship – and, any relationship will have its tough times. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.

Man B. I haven’t gotten to know him well at all. But, Gunthers was super busy, so we strolled over to Coffee Garden. I love that place. Anyhoo, I didn’t realize there was some random “talent” happenings on Thursdays. If I get super bored on Thursday, I can head over there, grab a coffee or tea, sit outside with funky talent on a warm summer evening under their mood lighting, and read a book. Sounds awesome to me!

This is also a point that Patti Stanger makes. Yes, dating sucks! But you can learn to enjoy it by doing things you’ve always wanted to do on the date. She suggests making a list of ANYTHING you’ve wanted to do on a date – try a new restaurant, whatever. Then, suggesting one of those things to a guy for a date. One thing I still really want to do is learn more about wine! I think I would find more wines I like (and, finally graduate to red wines) if I just knew what I was looking for. So, even if the date was a complete dud, I’d at least get something good out of it. Until next time….

A Dating Experiment: Me as the Guinea Pig

After years of dating, you’d think I’d have found myself in a better dating situation by now. After all, I’m an educated, attractive, young woman who has a good head on her shoulders. And, it’s not like I’m uneducated in this subject – I mean, I’ve spent some significant time in that dreaded section of the bookstore –  SELF-HELP. 

The advice from the many books I’ve read makes sense, but I somehow fail to follow it just about every time. It appears I’m not alone. I’ve been watching a new series called “Miss Advised”, which follows three women (an advice columnist, a matchmaker, and a sex expert) through their dating lives. The advice columnist and matchmaker say that their dating rules work, yet they can’t seem to follow their own advice.

At this point, I really don’t have much to lose. So, I’ve decided to do some experimenting by  making myself the Test Subject aka "the guinea pig." I will follow the rules I’ve learned so far. For sake of simplicity, I’m going to primarily take my advice from Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Stanger. And you, my readers, are here to keep me accountable. And, please do so!

THE RULES

Rule 1: Promptly Return Calls

·      This means returning calls within 24 to 48 hours (this won’t be much of a problem).

Rule 2: Honor Dating Commitments

·      Hate your flakey friends? Me too. Don’t become like them. If you make a date, keep it! Even if you don’t want to, and even if Channing Tatum calls you up, tells you he’s dumping his wife, and demands he give you one of those sexy lap dances he seems to do so well.

Rule 3: Let the Man Take the Lead

·      HE calls YOU. HE asks you out. If you become the aggressor now, prepare to be the aggressor for the remainder of the relationship.

·      I’ve made this mistake countless times. I have very little patience, and don’t mind going after something I want. HOWEVER, that has not done a damn thing for me in the past, and I’d be crazy to think that the same actions will produce different results.

Rule 4: In the Beginning (first several dates), Keep the Past there – in the Past.

·      No talk of exes, how many dates you’ve been going on, how many losers you’ve managed to attract over the years. None of it.

·      This will be a challenge. I like to know a little about the guy’s past before I bother with potentially wasting my time. I also tend to volunteer my shitty dating experience. Ooops.

Rule 5: Be Engaging

·      Focus your attention on him, not other guys while you’re on a date. Smile and radiate positive energy.

Rule 6: Do Not Drink Too Much on a Date

·      Make sure you maintain classiness and mental clarity.

Rule 7: Act Like a Lady

·      No foul language. Sit like a lady. Say “please” and “thank you.” Thank him for the date on the date. Do not call or text saying you had a good time after the date. Do not talk of sex too early even if you're comfortable with your sexuality.

Rule 8: Express Sincerity and Appreciation

·      For every four dates he pays for, reciprocate with doing something nice like making dinner or something.

·      This might be a bit hard because I don’t want to come off as a gold digger. I think three is probably a better number.

Rule 9: No Sex until Monogamy

·      Also, assume he’s dating other people until he makes it clear you two are exclusive. With that said, make sure you date other people. Do not put all your eggs in one basket until HE initiates “that talk.”

Rule 10: Get into the Saturday Night Slot

·      If he has only has given you his Tuesday nights, you are not a priority. Saturday nights (or equivalent) are prime date nights- He doesn’t have to work and can sleep in the next day. After he’s given you a couple of crap date nights, do not settle for anything other than a Saturday night. It’s your third or fourth date and he suggests Thursday? You’re busy! You can only get together Saturday night! If he won't budge, dump him.

·      This will also be a challenge because I don’t like to give up my weekends for someone I’m not sure about either. But, after a couple of good dates, I’m probably excited to see the guy again and will give up a weekend night. So, I can let the first couple of dates go, but not when things are seemingly going well. People who really hit it off want to spend more quality time together.

That’s all the rules for now. Though, I may add more as I reread my books. Also, it’s important to note that these rules are designed to separate the good men who are looking for a long-term relationship from the douchy one-night stand guys.

As for where I’m starting off… I’m on an online dating site again. So, I will be using this as well as the real world (hopefully). I have one guy I’m particularly interested in, and we’ve been on two dates so far. I’ve actually been okay at following these rules thus far (eh, except the exes- he asked! And, sexuality). However, I’ve definitely received less phone calls lately. Other than that, everything seems to be pointing to another date. He frequently wishes me a good day, and has hinted at future dates. Though, I’ve seen many good actors. He also hasn’t tried to get in my pants… yet. ;-) The biggest obstacle is getting a weekend night. He's often out of town on the weekends. But, I’ll keep you posted. As much as I seem to like him... if I don’t get a weekend night next time, I’m going to have to let this one go… reluctantly. I want a man, after all.

Let the experimenting begin! And, wish me luck!