Coming Out

Yes, I'm coming out of the closet! But not in the sense you're thinking. This figure of speech has been a reoccurring theme in my life lately. Of course, you've  probably only heard this phrase used in the context of gays and lesbians no longer being ashamed of their sexuality. But a pastor of all people recently said, "We could all learn something from this gay and lesbian movement." While he meant it in the context of Christianity, I'm going to take it a step further and talk about it in the context of identity in general.

Coming out means you're no longer willing to hide your true identity. You are no longer ashamed of who you are. Every single one of us has things we hide from people... out of fear of rejection, lack of confidence, or because we've been broken and scarred. Regardless of the cause, we're unsure of how people will react. We're too afraid to be judged. What will he think? What will she think? What if I'm not the person everyone thinks I am? 

First, think about it in the physical sense. Ladies, do you wear makeup? Do you color your hair? What are we trying to hide? Perhaps, that imperfect skin or that hair color you perceive as boring. I'd really just like someone to think I'm just as beautiful in the morning without the makeup as I am at night with all the makeup.

Now let's look at the gym and working out. While I understand staying fit is a healthy life decision, it also sheds some light on what we think of ourselves. We not only go to the gym to be healthy, but also to change some things. Maybe we'd like a little more muscle and a little less jiggle. I'd say this plays a fairly big role for men, especially. I bet having those muscles makes you more confident when approaching a woman. I mean, wouldn't she be less interested if you didn't have those nice biceps? Would she leave you if you didn't look the way you do? I bet that's crossed a few people's minds. I was even asked in a relationship once if I'd stay if something tragic ever happened to him and he didn't look the way he did then or became paralyzed. What he was asking me was, "Do you accept me for me?" I bet you'd really just like to be accepted for who you are too.

That brings me to the more important stuff... what's on the inside. Unfortunately, we can't go to the store and buy some makeup to cover up that inner defect. It's not quite that easy. Instead, we choose not to share things about ourselves. Or sometimes we get defensive, and don't explain why. Either way we're hiding our true identity. We want to be perceived as perfect and happy. We're not perfect. We'll never be perfect. And we can't always be happy. Shit happens.

One thing that comes to mind is the front couples put on. Have you ever been shocked to see a seemingly happy couple get a divorce or breakup? "I had no idea! I thought they were happy!" We want to maintain the best outward appearance for people when on the inside we're actually crying out for help!

I wish we could all be a little more honest with each other. Stop judging one another. Who likes to be judged? Certainly, not me. And I bet you don't either. I'd even bet some of you are judging me this very moment. But instead of judging, I ask you to be a little more transparent.

How about this? I'll start. So, what are some things in my closet? One, I'm a Christian. That's not news to many of you. But I am fairly quiet about my beliefs. I don't feel it's necessary to preach to people. But I do believe in God and it is important to me. When good things happen in my life, I know why or who put them there. I know they are really just answered prayers. I don't often say that. Rather, I just share the good news. Sometimes, I'm afraid to share what I actually believe for fear of being judged by non-Christians. I really shouldn't be ashamed because my beliefs make me happy. I just want people to accept that I have these beliefs and not be so hostile about it.

Two, I'm hiding behind a mask of fear when it comes to dating. A lot of things in my life are where they should be. I feel like I have everything I need and pretty much want right now with one exception- I have no one to share it with. Again, I feel ashamed for feeling lonely sometimes. I feel ungrateful for wanting more, for asking for more. I feel people judge me as being desperate for wanting to be in relationship. And that mask of fear... I'm afraid that the next attempt at dating will be just like all the others. Honestly, I'm so tired of dating a guy for a few weeks, and it failing. I'm tired of meeting men who pressure me and don't respect "Let's wait and get to know each other." And I haven't been in an actual relationship in almost three years now. I've definitely done my share of dating, but I rarely feel a true spark. And I miss that spark. I miss being able to call someone and share my day with him. I miss being able to call someone to come over and watch a movie spur of the moment. So, yeah, I miss being in a relationship, and I'm afraid I won't meet a nice, God-fearing, educated, attractive, respectful guy. Bottom line, I just want to be respected, adored, and accepted for the crazy, quirky chick I am. And I want to feel in love again. I don't think that's all that crazy. It's human nature to want share your life with someone.

So, there. There's some transparency, some honesty. Now, what's hiding in your closet? What would you like people to truly accept about you?

What a Man Wants

 A bitter woman would say,  “All a man wants is sex.” Of course men want sex, and I may be going out on a limb here, but I don’t think that’s all they want from a woman. And you know what the bitter man would say? The same thing as the bitter woman, “All I want is sex, baby.” I’ve definitely ran into a few of these guys, and I’ve found that these men are more often than not scorn by girlfriends of the past, and use sex as a cover-up. 

That reminds me of a song I heard today - “All the pretty girls involved with me. Makin’ pretty love to me. Pretty pity. I can’t feel a thing. I can’t feel her. Novocain for the pain." (“Novocain” by Frank Ocean).  I’ve heard it before, but it just made more sense to me today. My interpretation is that he’s caught up on this one girl and he feels nothing for these other girls when he’s well… fucking them. See, even rappers write about this stuff. 

Now, I realize that I’m not a man. But I’ve had enough experience dating them to conclude that men want more than just sex. (And keep in mind that I was once that bitter woman ;-)). So, what on earth can a woman give (besides sex) that his buddies can’t? First, a man wants someone to boost his ego. I’ve talked about this before in a previous post ("To Feel Important"), but for those of you who missed it, I will elaborate. 

Ego boosts can make him feel many different ways: Important… Sexy… Smart…Strong… Needed. Yes, his buddies can do a little of this for him, but it’s nothing like a what a woman can do. Think about it - when you meet a new friend, you probably don’t disappear from the world. But men and women alike seem to fall off the face of the earth when they meet someone special. 

So, back to the ego. Men have bigger egos to fill than women. I don’t necessarily mean that in a condescending way… we all need a boost now and then, but I think it’s particularly important for men. Men really don’t get that positive reinforcement as much as women do. For example, men are not in the business of giving each other compliments… not like women. When’s the last time you heard a guy say, “Bro, I just love your hair. How’d you do it?” Or “Man, those jeans look so good on you!” Or “You smell so good! What are you wearing?” To us women, this is completely normal and we get a lot of compliments from our friends... and even from our “frienemies.” We also get them from the opposite sex. When you go out for a date, the first thing a guy usually says is, “You look great tonight.” And you’ll probably hear it over and over.  This complimenting is mostly one-sided for men, that is,  most of what they hear is from the opposite sex. 

And I’m not just talking about complimenting on the physical. He’d love to hear about how much you admire his baseball skills. Or how smart you think he is. Or how safe you feel when you’re around him. Men don’t quite get that much attention when it comes to compliments, but they like them no less. So, lesson one: He wants an ego boost.

Lesson two: He wants a woman! He wants femininity. The gender roles can vary with each guy, but I’d bet that most men would prefer a woman who is clean, knows how to cook, can be a great mother, dresses feminine, and has long hair (yes, most men prefer long hair). Now, this doesn’t mean you have to be a stay-at-home mom, but I think the ability to play those gender roles goes a long way. Reverse it. What kind of man do you like? I know I like a man who can play the gender role if need be. First, I like men who are built like a man. He's got some muscle. Muscle that would be far too gross on a woman. Second, he can also get the stuff off the top shelf for me and can open those damn jars that never seem to want to come off. He knows how to change a tire.  He’ll kill spiders for me (remember the Sex in the City episode where Charlotte dates the guy who jumps up on a chair at the first sight of a mouse and tells her to kill it! That was about the time she put him in "the friend zone."). I can do all those "manly" things on my own, but I like a man to be able to do these things if I don't feel like being Miss Independent 24/7. So, yes, a man wants a woman because well… she’s a woman.

Lesson three: He wants someone to share his life with. Okay, so guys don’t like to talk as much as we do, but they would still like someone to be there to listen when they do want to talk. Maybe he’s had a bad day and wants to vent. Or he might want to see that new Kids movie coming out or listen to soft, sensual music like Sade, but he sure as hell isn’t going to do that with the boys because they’ll tease him for weeks about it. Or maybe he’s really in need of a vacation and wants to spend a calm week away in Hawaii.  Or maybe he doesn’t feel like spending the weekend in bars and just wants to sit home with someone. Chances are that someone he wants to sit home with is a chick.

I’m sure there are a ton more things a man wants. What 99% of them will have in common is an emotional/psychological component. So yes, men have emotions- they are just a hell of a lot better at hiding them than we are.  Alas, I’ll leave you with a quote I heard on an episode of one of my favorite shows:

“There are distinct differences between male and female brains. Female brains have a larger hippocampus, which usually makes them better at retention and memory. Male brains have a bigger parietal cortex, which helps when fending off an attack. Male brains confront challenges differently than female brains. Women are hard-wired to communicate with language… detail… empathy. Men... not so much. But it doesn’t mean [they are] any less capable of emotion.”

Online Dating

I just activated an online profile yesterday. I'm finding that I still have some weird resistance to online dating. I have no idea what it is, but it freaks me out a little. I think part of it is that you are meeting through a dating site. We're all there for that very reason. Contrast that with casually meeting someone through school, an organization, a friend, etc. It's usually unexpected. You go about your business, then then POOF he's there, and before you know it you're having a great conversation and wondering if he's feeling the same way. Things progress, and the rest is history.

I guess I feel less pressure with the good old-fashioned way. In all honesty, I'd much prefer it that way. However, it's just not working for me. I've never been into meeting someone at a bar. And I suppose that in the back of my mind, I kinda expected to meet someone at school or through friends. I'm really not trying to be rude, but it's slim-pickin' at my school. The average law school guy has a ridiculous ego, is very insecure and socially awkward. There are some decent guys, however, I tend to find out they all have girlfriends or wives. Of course! Bottom line: what I've been doing isn't working.

Back to online dating. I'm actually surprised to hear that quite a few people I know have found good relationships through online dating. So far it's only been through eharmony and match. So, I'm going to have to try that out next. (Currently, my only profile is on a free site that shall remain nameless). Slowly, I think online dating has become more acceptable. I hear so many girls with the same complaints about dating the normal way. And with our busy schedules, it's really hard to take the time out to just sit on the couch and wait for prince charming to come knock on our doors. ;-) So, I figure what do we have to lose? It's working for some people, and they're happy. I guess it doesn't really matter how you meet just as long as you found someone compatible and you're both happy.

With that said, I'd like to share what little experience I do have. I figure it's a good laugh. I'd say the majority of guys are so far from my expectations. The following are all worthy of the DELETE button:

1) "Sup" - really? You think that's going to get a response? Grow up, buddy.
2) "Ur so beautiful" - "Ur" is spelled "You're"
3) Spelling and sentence structure in general - No one is perfect, but you should have some basics down. You only get one first impression.
3) Messaging several times - If I didn't respond the first time, I'm not going to respond the second... or third time either... and I'm going to label you as desperate and creepy.
4) Your pictures consist of you taking a picture of yourself in the mirror with your shirt off.
5) Too old or too young - I do not have daddy issues, and I'm also not looking for a Frat boy.
6) Non-Religious/Atheist - I clearly mentioned faith was important to me. Did you not read my profile?
7) You have pictures of your ex-girlfriend on your profile... or you blur out her face. That's weird, dude.
8) You send me a private message with pictures of your car.

I could go on and on, I'm sure. On a positive note, I've probably seen maybe one or two guys that may fit. I guess it only takes one, right?

Non-Negotiables & Red Flags

Now that I’m ready to go back out into the dating scene, I thought it’d be a good idea to sit down and figure out what qualities I’m looking for. You may ask, “Why not just go with the flow?” Because I’ve done that and it doesn’t work. I’m the girl who gives too many fellas a chance. I’m too nice. Even if I know I’m not all that attracted to someone or there’s something that really bothers me about him, I might give ‘em a chance anyway just to see how things go. In reality, no amount of time is going to change the things I’ve already decided I don’t like. And it’s only going to get worse from there. Think about it. When you first meet someone you like, you know very little about him/her. You tend to dwell on the good things, and forget the bad things. You tell yourself, “So what. He’s got a kid. He hates his mom. He’s never had a long-term relationship. Maybe it won’t be so bad.” Or even worse… you think you can change him. Get this through your head: there is no changing a man! That little thing that bothers you will be come a HUGE thing that bothers you later. So, just don’t go down that road in the first place. Not to mention, you’re wasting your time!

So, this list. I started with the past. I wrote down the names of the last few boyfriends or guys I was seeing. Then I wrote down their good qualities and bad qualities. I tried to understand if I had any patterns or whatnot. From the list of good qualities, I wrote down 5-10 qualities that were really important to me. (I had to add a few because apparently I wasn’t dating people with qualities that are actually really important to me. Ha!) Your first 5-6 are your non-negotiables! DO NOT NEGOTIATE! One of mine is being Christian/Believing in God. The funny thing is I rarely date Christians. I’m not saying that’s the answer to all my problems, but I have been in serious relationships where my beliefs were actually made fun of. What kind of a relationship is one where you don’t respect each other’s beliefs and values? A belief system and moral foundation is so important to me. I not only want that tolerated, but shared in a relationship. If you’re having trouble, think of qualities in terms to categories: religion/spiritual, physical appearance, finances, Emotional IQ, Intellect.

What about the physical? Isn’t that shallow to make that a non-negotiable? No, it’s not. Let’s be real here, attraction is important. If you plan to be with someone for a while, it’s gotta be there. As for me, being fit/healthy is important to me. I take the time to work out and I’d like someone to do the same. And I'm not saying he needs to be ripped.  But if I want to go hiking, I’d really like my boyfriend to be able to make the trek without complaining 20ft in. When I walk the dog, I’d like someone to want to come along with me. And for you tall ladies, if you really can't stand being taller than your man - write it down, make it a non-negotiable. Just remember to be reasonable. Let's not be too picky by writing down something like eye color. And don't make the list too long. Again, I recommend 5-6 non-negotiables.

I also highly recommend making a Red Flags list. Ladies, we’ve all seen these flags. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve even seen some neon flashing DO NOT ENTER signs as well. For example, there’s that time after a few dates when you start to talk about what you’re looking for. You’re looking for a relationship, and he just wants to “have fun.” RUN! Your big brown eyes, beautiful long hair, bubbly personality, and gorgeous figure aren’t gonna change a thing. "But if I could only show him how sweet I am. How much I care. How smart I am." No! He's not going to care about those things because he's not looking for them. And pouring your heart out isn't going to make him see the light! But I will tell you what will happen- you're going to end up with a broken heart. This is such a basic concept, but we’ve all fallen prey to this in one way or another. Don't let it happen again! So no matter how hot he is, RUN (the other direction that is) when you see a red flag.

 So, don't forget: 1) Write a list of 5-6 Non-negotiables. If he doesn't have all on that list, don't even think about going out with him. Do not let yourself get attached. 2) Write a list of your red flags, and at the first sight of any of them, RUN! 

You're a strong woman, and should never settle for less than you deserve. If all else fails, ask yourself, "Is this the best I can do?"

Time Out!

Well, my Sabbatical is almost over. This is week four (I chose to do 30 days), and I'd like to update you on my progress. First, I must say that I highly, highly recommend intentionally taking time out for yourself. So many people serial date and lose themselves along the way- going from person to person searching for something that they'll never find because they never took the time to figure out what they were searching for in the first place!

Over the past four weeks, I've challenged myself. I went to the movies alone, to dinner alone. I took ballroom dancing lessons. Learned some jiu jitsu. Heck, I created this blog and put some of my most personal thoughts out for people to see. I challenged myself to intentionally decline dates, and instead stay in on a Saturday night so I could learn even more about myself. And guess what? It was fabulous!

And I did learn things about myself. I learned that I'm much better at Salsa than Cha Cha. I learned to call my mom more... because well, now that I don't see them as much, I really do miss my family. They are a pretty awesome bunch. I learned that I like Oldies a lot more than I remember. In fact, I'm listening to a Michael Buble + Oldies Pandora station right now. I also really like Bob Marley and the like, but I kinda already knew that. :-) Either way, I've exposed myself to a greater variety of music. And the top 40 crap that plays on the radio in the car is really getting on my nerves! They play the songs over and over and over and over... you get the picture. I learned that a lot of young Christians struggle with the same things I do, and aren't perfect either. I learned that I'm really not that alone in my views. There's always someone close to you who understands how you feel, you just gotta find out who! ;-) And I learned to love myself even more than I already did. I feel centered, and confident in who I am and what I'm looking for.

I'll leave you with this:

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous!"

Enough of the Bar Scene

I know I’m only 25, but I’m getting kinda tired of the bar scene. Maybe it’s one of those phases we all go through. Maybe it’s the fact that one of my jobs requires me to be in bars. Or maybe I’m finally growing up. Either way, I really miss spending quality time with people. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good girls’ night out dancing! But I’m kinda over having a “conversation” that consists of yelling over loud music, drunk guys trying to score some ass, and waking up way too late and getting nothing done.

I feel kinda lame wanting to spend my Friday and Saturday nights not drinking the night away. But lately… well, I’ve just really enjoyed staying home and watching tv premieres and movies, reading/writing (not homework), cooking, and having my own little dance party.  It’s not that there’s nothing going on. In fact, I’ve been finding myself choosing to stay in rather than take someone up on an invite… which is so different from my first year of law school. I was constantly getting people together to go out, and I made almost all Bar Reviews. And I had a ton of fun doing it. But two years later, I think the bar scene got old, and so very predictable.

I think my favorite way to spend time with friends and dates is doing something. Taking dance lessons, working out, going to the driving range or gun range, boating or even just going to the pool and tanning. I love me some activities! Plus, I think activities are best dates! I love it when someone can teach me something new. I’m more impressed that you are a really good pool-player or can teach me how to fly a plane/ride a motorcycle than by the fact that you can down 10 beers in only a matter of minutes.

In fact, this past summer I got pretty busy going out. I was around a ton of different people several nights a week. Yet I still found myself pretty unhappy most of the time (there were some pretty fun nights too). But it’s funny how you can be surrounded by people yet feel alone. I’m not sure what it was, but if I’m in a group or even on a date I much prefer doing an activity together than just going to a bar to sit and drink. At the very least I know I can’t do it every weekend. I have to do the bar scene in moderation or I get way too bored. Maybe that’s my problem, I get bored easily. I need change every now and then. I need challenge. I need intellectual stimulation. I need adventure. And I just don’t get any of that at bars. That reminds me, one of my friends did mention that I’m a little more “high maintenance “ when it comes to dates. I don’t need to spend hours on my makeup or nails, but I do need a creative mind to hold my interest.

Well, I may sound like an old lady trapped in a young woman’s body, but the bottom line is I’m happy doing what I’m doing, and I'm probably the happiest I've ever been.  So, who cares what you are "suppose" to do at 25, do what truly makes you happy and you'll be happy. Alrighty, readers, I’ve gotta get ready for some ballroom dancing lessons!

Another Sabbatical

Good evening, ladies and gents. I'm having a blast right now dancing in my kitchen to some girly music while drinking some Menage a Trois and baking chocolate chip cookies. Yum! Never underestimate the simple things in life. I think the kitchen is my favorite place to be alone. And that's what this post is about - enjoying my own company. I'm actually doing another "Dating Detox/Sabbatical." I figured I could use some time to center myself. I want to find a way to get in touch with my feelings again. I know, a girl not in touch with her feelings, who knew?

So far it's been about 2 weeks. The first week, I felt a little lonely. I was asked on several dates, but as part of the plan, I declined. That may sound silly to most, but I'd rather make things right with myself before I go trying out any new people. And quite frankly, I'm not into anyone right now. I could also use some discipline. I'm fairly ruthless as it is when it comes to douchebags, but I could use some more practice dismissing those who don't meet my "non-negotiables" or being a little more honest when I don't like someone. Eh, that's always hard. 

This week is week two, and I'm feeling pretty fabulous right now. I really do like who I am, and I know how to enjoy my own company - but that's never really been the problem. I made a list of simple things that make me happy (cooking, baking, sushi, dancing, traveling, watching a good movie, being fit and active, enjoying a good cup of coffee, good conversations, fun activities, and massages). Last week alone, I ordered "Something Borrowed" and watched it with yours truly. Great movie! I experimented with a lemon, garlic sauce for pasta. Also very good. I baked a ton of cookies, as usual. I got a massage. Drank coffee and worked out- duh. I even went to a movie alone! I've always wanted to do that. It was a little awkward going and coming from the theater, but hey, I tried something I've always wanted to do. I also went to dinner alone. It was just the sushi bar, but still. The service was awful, so that probably won't happen again. Nonetheless, I challenged myself. Lord knows I like a challenge every now and then... otherwise, I get destructive... like pick a fight over something stupid. Yep, I've been known to do that. ;-) But this time is really about me and making me happy. There's pros and cons, but on the positive side, I do like not worrying about another person and how he may or may not feel about me. My anxiety is pretty low in that department, and it's so nice. And truly, if it's the right person, I shouldn't have much anxiety. Playing games is either a sign of insecurity or disrespect. Two things I don't want to deal with... two things I'm not dealing with right now.  It also gives me time to focus on school and friends. Though, most of my girl friends seem to have left me for men. Eh, what else is new with girls.

So, ladies or even you fellas too - if you find yourself going in circles, I highly recommend getting off that "sick cycle carousel" and giving yourself a break. It's really not that bad. You might even find that you enjoy your own company. :-)