Non-Negotiables & Red Flags

Now that I’m ready to go back out into the dating scene, I thought it’d be a good idea to sit down and figure out what qualities I’m looking for. You may ask, “Why not just go with the flow?” Because I’ve done that and it doesn’t work. I’m the girl who gives too many fellas a chance. I’m too nice. Even if I know I’m not all that attracted to someone or there’s something that really bothers me about him, I might give ‘em a chance anyway just to see how things go. In reality, no amount of time is going to change the things I’ve already decided I don’t like. And it’s only going to get worse from there. Think about it. When you first meet someone you like, you know very little about him/her. You tend to dwell on the good things, and forget the bad things. You tell yourself, “So what. He’s got a kid. He hates his mom. He’s never had a long-term relationship. Maybe it won’t be so bad.” Or even worse… you think you can change him. Get this through your head: there is no changing a man! That little thing that bothers you will be come a HUGE thing that bothers you later. So, just don’t go down that road in the first place. Not to mention, you’re wasting your time!

So, this list. I started with the past. I wrote down the names of the last few boyfriends or guys I was seeing. Then I wrote down their good qualities and bad qualities. I tried to understand if I had any patterns or whatnot. From the list of good qualities, I wrote down 5-10 qualities that were really important to me. (I had to add a few because apparently I wasn’t dating people with qualities that are actually really important to me. Ha!) Your first 5-6 are your non-negotiables! DO NOT NEGOTIATE! One of mine is being Christian/Believing in God. The funny thing is I rarely date Christians. I’m not saying that’s the answer to all my problems, but I have been in serious relationships where my beliefs were actually made fun of. What kind of a relationship is one where you don’t respect each other’s beliefs and values? A belief system and moral foundation is so important to me. I not only want that tolerated, but shared in a relationship. If you’re having trouble, think of qualities in terms to categories: religion/spiritual, physical appearance, finances, Emotional IQ, Intellect.

What about the physical? Isn’t that shallow to make that a non-negotiable? No, it’s not. Let’s be real here, attraction is important. If you plan to be with someone for a while, it’s gotta be there. As for me, being fit/healthy is important to me. I take the time to work out and I’d like someone to do the same. And I'm not saying he needs to be ripped.  But if I want to go hiking, I’d really like my boyfriend to be able to make the trek without complaining 20ft in. When I walk the dog, I’d like someone to want to come along with me. And for you tall ladies, if you really can't stand being taller than your man - write it down, make it a non-negotiable. Just remember to be reasonable. Let's not be too picky by writing down something like eye color. And don't make the list too long. Again, I recommend 5-6 non-negotiables.

I also highly recommend making a Red Flags list. Ladies, we’ve all seen these flags. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve even seen some neon flashing DO NOT ENTER signs as well. For example, there’s that time after a few dates when you start to talk about what you’re looking for. You’re looking for a relationship, and he just wants to “have fun.” RUN! Your big brown eyes, beautiful long hair, bubbly personality, and gorgeous figure aren’t gonna change a thing. "But if I could only show him how sweet I am. How much I care. How smart I am." No! He's not going to care about those things because he's not looking for them. And pouring your heart out isn't going to make him see the light! But I will tell you what will happen- you're going to end up with a broken heart. This is such a basic concept, but we’ve all fallen prey to this in one way or another. Don't let it happen again! So no matter how hot he is, RUN (the other direction that is) when you see a red flag.

 So, don't forget: 1) Write a list of 5-6 Non-negotiables. If he doesn't have all on that list, don't even think about going out with him. Do not let yourself get attached. 2) Write a list of your red flags, and at the first sight of any of them, RUN! 

You're a strong woman, and should never settle for less than you deserve. If all else fails, ask yourself, "Is this the best I can do?"

Time Out!

Well, my Sabbatical is almost over. This is week four (I chose to do 30 days), and I'd like to update you on my progress. First, I must say that I highly, highly recommend intentionally taking time out for yourself. So many people serial date and lose themselves along the way- going from person to person searching for something that they'll never find because they never took the time to figure out what they were searching for in the first place!

Over the past four weeks, I've challenged myself. I went to the movies alone, to dinner alone. I took ballroom dancing lessons. Learned some jiu jitsu. Heck, I created this blog and put some of my most personal thoughts out for people to see. I challenged myself to intentionally decline dates, and instead stay in on a Saturday night so I could learn even more about myself. And guess what? It was fabulous!

And I did learn things about myself. I learned that I'm much better at Salsa than Cha Cha. I learned to call my mom more... because well, now that I don't see them as much, I really do miss my family. They are a pretty awesome bunch. I learned that I like Oldies a lot more than I remember. In fact, I'm listening to a Michael Buble + Oldies Pandora station right now. I also really like Bob Marley and the like, but I kinda already knew that. :-) Either way, I've exposed myself to a greater variety of music. And the top 40 crap that plays on the radio in the car is really getting on my nerves! They play the songs over and over and over and over... you get the picture. I learned that a lot of young Christians struggle with the same things I do, and aren't perfect either. I learned that I'm really not that alone in my views. There's always someone close to you who understands how you feel, you just gotta find out who! ;-) And I learned to love myself even more than I already did. I feel centered, and confident in who I am and what I'm looking for.

I'll leave you with this:

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous!"

Enough of the Bar Scene

I know I’m only 25, but I’m getting kinda tired of the bar scene. Maybe it’s one of those phases we all go through. Maybe it’s the fact that one of my jobs requires me to be in bars. Or maybe I’m finally growing up. Either way, I really miss spending quality time with people. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good girls’ night out dancing! But I’m kinda over having a “conversation” that consists of yelling over loud music, drunk guys trying to score some ass, and waking up way too late and getting nothing done.

I feel kinda lame wanting to spend my Friday and Saturday nights not drinking the night away. But lately… well, I’ve just really enjoyed staying home and watching tv premieres and movies, reading/writing (not homework), cooking, and having my own little dance party.  It’s not that there’s nothing going on. In fact, I’ve been finding myself choosing to stay in rather than take someone up on an invite… which is so different from my first year of law school. I was constantly getting people together to go out, and I made almost all Bar Reviews. And I had a ton of fun doing it. But two years later, I think the bar scene got old, and so very predictable.

I think my favorite way to spend time with friends and dates is doing something. Taking dance lessons, working out, going to the driving range or gun range, boating or even just going to the pool and tanning. I love me some activities! Plus, I think activities are best dates! I love it when someone can teach me something new. I’m more impressed that you are a really good pool-player or can teach me how to fly a plane/ride a motorcycle than by the fact that you can down 10 beers in only a matter of minutes.

In fact, this past summer I got pretty busy going out. I was around a ton of different people several nights a week. Yet I still found myself pretty unhappy most of the time (there were some pretty fun nights too). But it’s funny how you can be surrounded by people yet feel alone. I’m not sure what it was, but if I’m in a group or even on a date I much prefer doing an activity together than just going to a bar to sit and drink. At the very least I know I can’t do it every weekend. I have to do the bar scene in moderation or I get way too bored. Maybe that’s my problem, I get bored easily. I need change every now and then. I need challenge. I need intellectual stimulation. I need adventure. And I just don’t get any of that at bars. That reminds me, one of my friends did mention that I’m a little more “high maintenance “ when it comes to dates. I don’t need to spend hours on my makeup or nails, but I do need a creative mind to hold my interest.

Well, I may sound like an old lady trapped in a young woman’s body, but the bottom line is I’m happy doing what I’m doing, and I'm probably the happiest I've ever been.  So, who cares what you are "suppose" to do at 25, do what truly makes you happy and you'll be happy. Alrighty, readers, I’ve gotta get ready for some ballroom dancing lessons!

Another Sabbatical

Good evening, ladies and gents. I'm having a blast right now dancing in my kitchen to some girly music while drinking some Menage a Trois and baking chocolate chip cookies. Yum! Never underestimate the simple things in life. I think the kitchen is my favorite place to be alone. And that's what this post is about - enjoying my own company. I'm actually doing another "Dating Detox/Sabbatical." I figured I could use some time to center myself. I want to find a way to get in touch with my feelings again. I know, a girl not in touch with her feelings, who knew?

So far it's been about 2 weeks. The first week, I felt a little lonely. I was asked on several dates, but as part of the plan, I declined. That may sound silly to most, but I'd rather make things right with myself before I go trying out any new people. And quite frankly, I'm not into anyone right now. I could also use some discipline. I'm fairly ruthless as it is when it comes to douchebags, but I could use some more practice dismissing those who don't meet my "non-negotiables" or being a little more honest when I don't like someone. Eh, that's always hard. 

This week is week two, and I'm feeling pretty fabulous right now. I really do like who I am, and I know how to enjoy my own company - but that's never really been the problem. I made a list of simple things that make me happy (cooking, baking, sushi, dancing, traveling, watching a good movie, being fit and active, enjoying a good cup of coffee, good conversations, fun activities, and massages). Last week alone, I ordered "Something Borrowed" and watched it with yours truly. Great movie! I experimented with a lemon, garlic sauce for pasta. Also very good. I baked a ton of cookies, as usual. I got a massage. Drank coffee and worked out- duh. I even went to a movie alone! I've always wanted to do that. It was a little awkward going and coming from the theater, but hey, I tried something I've always wanted to do. I also went to dinner alone. It was just the sushi bar, but still. The service was awful, so that probably won't happen again. Nonetheless, I challenged myself. Lord knows I like a challenge every now and then... otherwise, I get destructive... like pick a fight over something stupid. Yep, I've been known to do that. ;-) But this time is really about me and making me happy. There's pros and cons, but on the positive side, I do like not worrying about another person and how he may or may not feel about me. My anxiety is pretty low in that department, and it's so nice. And truly, if it's the right person, I shouldn't have much anxiety. Playing games is either a sign of insecurity or disrespect. Two things I don't want to deal with... two things I'm not dealing with right now.  It also gives me time to focus on school and friends. Though, most of my girl friends seem to have left me for men. Eh, what else is new with girls.

So, ladies or even you fellas too - if you find yourself going in circles, I highly recommend getting off that "sick cycle carousel" and giving yourself a break. It's really not that bad. You might even find that you enjoy your own company. :-)

To Feel Important

So, here I am again - wine, brownies, and a piece of my mind. Last night I was watching a 20/20 tribute to 9/11. Part of the segment interviewed men who had served in Iraq and are now helping rebuild Ground Zero. When asked why they joined the military or why they wanted to help rebuild, they had one thing in common - they wanted their children to look up to them and say, "My daddy is a hero."

I'm not a parent, but I am a child, and I can see this need in my dad too. This last Saturday I spent the day with my parents at an airshow. Afterwards, mom and dad stayed at my apartment for a bit. My dad had noticed some things that weren't "safe" in the house like my several extension cords extending across the room (there's only one outlet working in several of the rooms). Then he notices me using a chair to get something off the top shelf in the kitchen. His response, "You know. I'm going to go get you a few surge plugs, and a ladder - You're going to start a fire, and I don't want you falling because you didn't have a ladder. Oh, and let me know when you want me to fix your door." Me, "Dad, it's okay, I'll pick that stuff up this weekend. You don't need to worry." Earlier in the day we had a similar conversation in which I tried to explain to my dad that he did such a good job raising me and teaching me things that I'm independent and can do things on my own. I've been weened. But while my dad was busy complaining about my many household hazards, I remembered something, the same thing that dawned on me when the soldiers were being interviewed - all they want is to be looked up to and needed.

Now, I know I've been talking about this in the context of a father-child relationship, but can't that be expanded to romantic relationships?  Don't we all want to feel important and needed by another person? And I'd say especially men. Geez, just take a look at those egos in law school. "Look at me. Look at me. I'm so smart. Tell me I'm smart!" Haha. But seriously, I think nurturing his ego goes a long way. And I'm not talking about lame compliments like, "Oh man, you're such a tall, strong man" while looking deep into his eyes and twirling your hair. Well, actually, that will probably work. But I mean genuine interest in his goals, accomplishments, etc. Compliment him on how well he does something, take in interest in his hobbies, ask him about his goals, tell him you love the way he kisses... tell him he's important and needed.

I think this is my biggest hurdle in a relationship. I don't compliment enough. I have a really hard time expressing my feelings verbally. I'm more of a "do-er." I'll bake you cookies, make you lunch, leave you notes wishing you a good day, and even wash your smelly socks. But I probably won't tell you how much I admire that you're a great teacher or how good you look with your shirt off. I know it's important. It's not that these things don't run through my head, they do! And they're genuine. But because I know it's so important (and simple!) I am making a conscious effort to verbalize my admirations. :-)

I also don't accept help often enough. Instead, I try to figure everything out on my own. I remember a few times when a guy I was seeing or whatnot would want to take my carry-on luggage while on one of my many travel adventures. I often refused, "Oh, no, it's okay, I got it." My friend scolded me, "Let him be a man!" I'm much better in the luggage department. I really do appreciate the men who have gotten out of their seats to help me with stuffing it in the overhead bin. Sometimes, I don't mind the gender roles.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's all for today. Don't forget to make each other feel important and loved. Besides, who doesn't like checking their phone to find a text message saying, "Just thinking of you."

Is it Okay to Date Multiple People at a Time?

I'm not sure I have that answer. I think it really depends on what side of the table you're on and how serious the relationships are becoming. For most of my life, I've just dated one guy at a time. But there have been other times where I have dated multiple guys at a time.

First, let's look at you being the person who's dating multiple people. I don't know about you, but I have a hard time finding people I really "click" with. So, it seems like a waste of time to date one person for a month or two to find out that we really don't belong together. Plus, it's often the case that another seemingly interesting guy comes along while I'm "talking to"/"seeing" someone else. (By the way, does anyone really know what those definitions mean?! Talking, seeing, dating?!) I also like to be a bit busy. I like to have plans, and dating multiple people keeps me busy with fun plans. In a way, it keeps me disciplined with school work. I want to go out and have fun at 8? Well, I better get that reading finished. Otherwise, I slowly waste my time throughout the day... day after day.

But perhaps, the biggest reason for me is that I don't waste my emotions on one person. Dating multiple people is almost like that spare tire in the back of your trunk - if one goes flat, there's always a back up you can rely on. It's scary dating one person and pushing all other potentially good men away in hopes this one "works out." When I'm not focused on just one person, I'm not as concerned if man #1 hasn't called in a few days or is being a bit of a d-bag. I'm not busy trying to figure out what game he's playing or if he's even playing a game. It's emotional insurance.

So, now let's look at dating just one person. First, coming from the other side of the table, that is, the person you are dating... it's kinda off-putting. I'll be honest, when I've been on a few dates with a guy, I really hope he's not seeing anyone else. I'm a Leo. I'm the center the universe (my sign is the sun, so it's true). ;-) But in all seriousness, I'm a relationship kind of girl. If you find yourself on a date with me, I'm probably trying to figure out if you're boyfriend material or friend material.

I also have an awful memory. I find it really hard to keep people's life stories apart. Several times I've said something like, "Oh, that's right! You said you're from San Francisco, right?" Guy: "Uh, no, I'm from Chicago." Oops. So, that brings to me the fact that it's really hard to truly get to know the person if you aren't at least semi-focused on him. I have a lot more respect for a guy who flat out tells me that he doesn't date more than one person at time. Luckily, I think I've mostly dated those guys.  It's a good feeling knowing that he's interested enough to focus on me only.  It doesn't mean I'd call him my boyfriend just yet, but that we can tear down some of those walls we might be hiding behind. I know I've got some of those!

So, I think if you're honest with the people you're dating and just looking for fun, date around. But I'd say if things are progressing with one of those people, or you're not just dating for sport, it might be best just to focus on one person at a time. I think it's finally time that we allow ourselves to be a little vulnerable - not stupid, but human. "If you aren't vulnerable, you won't be able to feel anything."

The Sex Market: The Cost of Sex

I'm really not sure where to start with this one, so I'll just start with this: I have fairly different views from the majority when it comes to casual sex, that is, I don't believe in it. Ladies, what has happened to making a guy work for it? Yes, women love sex too. But the one thing that separates women from men is that little love drug called oxytocin. Okay, well, it's a hormone, not a drug. It's been coined "the bonding hormone." It's produced during pregnancy to facilitate the bonding between mother and child. It's also produced when you... Ooooooo Oooohhhh Ahhhhhh Orgasm. Perhaps that's why so many of us get caught up with the wrong guy who doesn't call, doesn't follow through, and generally has no respect for us. One more dose of the big "O" and you're hooked. And that's not the only reason I don't believe in casual sex.

I've been told that guys have needs. They have desires. Well, damn it, so do I! I'm the kind of girl who really just wants to get to know you first. I'm not saying a girl needs to be a prude or an Ice Princess (as I've been called). No, I'm not a saint. I am far from perfect. But what is wrong with waiting a little while and getting to know each other? I can tell you that 9 times out of 10 I change my mind about liking a guy within the first 3 to 4 weeks of dating. Red flags start appearing. He seems to hate everyone around him. He has no goals in life. He has an awful relationship with his parents. He's never been able to maintain a long-term relationship. He belittles me. You get the picture. And by that time I can probably gauge what he's after. My point is that if I slept with every guy I dated for at least two weeks, I'd be a whore by now. That is not something I'd be proud of. And guess what, taking that time to see who he really is leaves me with NO regrets!

Overall, men have the upper hand here. Sex is cheap these days. What does it cost? A couple of drinks at a bar... so, about $15-$20? Maybe dinner... $40. I bet that's cheaper than a prostitute. And it's true, women hold keys for the most part. Men are mostly ready and willing. So, if we hold the keys, why are we selling it for so cheap? Ladies, why don't we demand more? Aren't we worth more?

Leading with the Wrong Foot

Well, this is my first post. My purpose with this blog is simply to ponder the craziness of love and dating. I imagine some people may view that as overanalytical, and I used to feel guilty about my constant ponderances. However, now, I believe it's just human nature to want to date. I mean, it's hard not to think about it. We're constantly surrounded by it. Every time I turn on the radio, it's a song about love. When I watch a tv show or movie, there's always some kind of love struggle at play, even in action movies! And I can't seem to go to the grocery store without overbuying - all the portions are geared toward families. Plus, it's what we're taught to do. Grow up, get married, have babies. I'll admit that I'm not ready for marriage, but it doesn't stop me from wanting a partner in crime from time to time.

So, with that said my first topic is "Leading with the Wrong Foot."  My friend recently sent me this:

When a woman gets frustrated because men don't' respect her, it becomes her problem, too. Men can tell how much a woman respects herself by how she dresses. If her sexual value is the first impression she gives, she's inviting the type of guys who want to use her body. They might say or do whatever is necessary to get access to it. But, after she gives in, they often lose respect for her, get bored, and leave. Meanwhile, she's left thinking, "Maybe if I had been skinnier, or had done more with him sexually, he would have liked me more and stayed longer." No, but he may have used her longer. 

Modesty is a bold statement of your worth because it invites men to consider something deeper about you. It tells a guy that he can take you seriously as a woman, because you don't need to make boys gawk at you in order to feel secure. Sure, guys will stare at a girl who wears a short skirt. But none of them respect her. As a woman, do you long to be gawked at or to be loved?

This really got me thinking about what "foot" I lead with. I think the very first thing someone will notice is looks. Let's be real, we're all visual creatures, especially men. I think what you wear sets that first impression. I recently overhead a conversation in the office this past week about what one of the interns wears to court. "Oh, the intern who looks like a prostitute!" Everyone immediately knew her name. I have seen her a couple of times in court, and nothing struck me as "hooker-ish." But it just goes to show how people perceive you by what you wear. I do hate that about the legal profession - there's little room for self-expression. But I do think there's a way to look cute (primary by wearing clothes that are tailored to your body). Eh, that's a topic for another time. But yes, clothing has so much to do with reputation. Are you going to take an attorney seriously if he strolls in with jeans and a t-shirt? Probably not.

Now onto what girls wear out, and in general. I'll be the first to admit, I dress to attract when I go out. Unfortunately, most of that attention is from the wrong kind of guys. But that's my point. If you wear a tight dress showing off your best ASSets, people are going to check it out. To everyone else, it's like, "Hey, look at my ass (boobs, whatever)!" So, as much as I don't want to admit it, I think we (ladies) cause some of this unwanted attention on ourselves. Then we sit there and complain how guys don't take us seriously! Well, how the hell is he to suppose to care what's up there in that brain of yours when you got your tits hanging out?!

Don't get me wrong. This doesn't mean you have to dress like plain Jane. You can still look cute and attractive without super short skirts, hooker thigh-high boots, and low cut shirts. The first thing that comes to mind is what Jennifer Love Hewitt wears in the show "Ghost Whisperer." She's so gorgeous, and classy. I am not at all claiming I don't do any of this, precisely the opposite. And I'm sure I won't change overnight. But it's something to think about. Clearly, dressing a certain way is attracting the wrong kind of men, so perhaps the clothes I wear should say "Classy" not "Fuck Me."

On that same note actions speak volumes. A few weeks ago I was hanging out with a group of guys. One had mentioned how he had gone out the night before and was throwing paper or whatnot in some girl's cleavage. What stuck with me the most was this, "She doesn't respect herself, so why the hell should I respect her?" Great point. "If you want to be respected by others the great thing is to respect yourself. Only by that, only by self-respect, will you compel others to respect you." -  Fyodor Dostoyevsky. I realize that's easier said than done. Everyone wants attention to some degree, especially us Leos! ;-) Unfortunately, the way most women go about it is by being doormats and letting a guy treat her like crap. But do you really want that kind of attention? The key is to be strong and confident (seems like everything revolves around confidence!). You won't get as much attention by showing self-respect, but when you do get the attention, it'll be genuine.

Well, that's my "rant" for the day. Dress classy, act with self-respect, and the rest will follow.