To Feel Important

So, here I am again - wine, brownies, and a piece of my mind. Last night I was watching a 20/20 tribute to 9/11. Part of the segment interviewed men who had served in Iraq and are now helping rebuild Ground Zero. When asked why they joined the military or why they wanted to help rebuild, they had one thing in common - they wanted their children to look up to them and say, "My daddy is a hero."

I'm not a parent, but I am a child, and I can see this need in my dad too. This last Saturday I spent the day with my parents at an airshow. Afterwards, mom and dad stayed at my apartment for a bit. My dad had noticed some things that weren't "safe" in the house like my several extension cords extending across the room (there's only one outlet working in several of the rooms). Then he notices me using a chair to get something off the top shelf in the kitchen. His response, "You know. I'm going to go get you a few surge plugs, and a ladder - You're going to start a fire, and I don't want you falling because you didn't have a ladder. Oh, and let me know when you want me to fix your door." Me, "Dad, it's okay, I'll pick that stuff up this weekend. You don't need to worry." Earlier in the day we had a similar conversation in which I tried to explain to my dad that he did such a good job raising me and teaching me things that I'm independent and can do things on my own. I've been weened. But while my dad was busy complaining about my many household hazards, I remembered something, the same thing that dawned on me when the soldiers were being interviewed - all they want is to be looked up to and needed.

Now, I know I've been talking about this in the context of a father-child relationship, but can't that be expanded to romantic relationships?  Don't we all want to feel important and needed by another person? And I'd say especially men. Geez, just take a look at those egos in law school. "Look at me. Look at me. I'm so smart. Tell me I'm smart!" Haha. But seriously, I think nurturing his ego goes a long way. And I'm not talking about lame compliments like, "Oh man, you're such a tall, strong man" while looking deep into his eyes and twirling your hair. Well, actually, that will probably work. But I mean genuine interest in his goals, accomplishments, etc. Compliment him on how well he does something, take in interest in his hobbies, ask him about his goals, tell him you love the way he kisses... tell him he's important and needed.

I think this is my biggest hurdle in a relationship. I don't compliment enough. I have a really hard time expressing my feelings verbally. I'm more of a "do-er." I'll bake you cookies, make you lunch, leave you notes wishing you a good day, and even wash your smelly socks. But I probably won't tell you how much I admire that you're a great teacher or how good you look with your shirt off. I know it's important. It's not that these things don't run through my head, they do! And they're genuine. But because I know it's so important (and simple!) I am making a conscious effort to verbalize my admirations. :-)

I also don't accept help often enough. Instead, I try to figure everything out on my own. I remember a few times when a guy I was seeing or whatnot would want to take my carry-on luggage while on one of my many travel adventures. I often refused, "Oh, no, it's okay, I got it." My friend scolded me, "Let him be a man!" I'm much better in the luggage department. I really do appreciate the men who have gotten out of their seats to help me with stuffing it in the overhead bin. Sometimes, I don't mind the gender roles.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's all for today. Don't forget to make each other feel important and loved. Besides, who doesn't like checking their phone to find a text message saying, "Just thinking of you."